Happy New Year, Good People!! As we usher in a new year, I just want to want to say that for many of us, the new year offers the promise of a fresh beginning and a chance to start over. However, I want you to take some time to think of all the beautiful things you did last year and will continue to do in the new year. Too often, we look at New Year's Day as a makeover free for all and forget that we might be doing some really good things that need to carry over into the new year. Crazy, right? But it's soooo true. Here's my list of things I'm taking into the new year (in no particular order):
Working out:
I just recently started working out and I like the way it makes me feel. I was going to wait until 1/01/2011, but decided to start early. I'm loving the MJ Experience game for Wii and I could dance to it all night (well, in short bursts until I get my stamina up). I will definitely keep at it because I want to be healthier.
Drinking only tap water and diet beverages
I stopped drinking bottled water in April after being schooled by some very knowledgeable people and I will continue to do so. I need to keep my blood sugar in check, so it's been mostly diet beverages. I like that I'm focused on my health and want to set a good example for my children.
Writing more
I have been writing more since I started blogging!! I love that I get to reach out to so many people via the Web. I have been writing for a book that I want to have published soon. So, I am definitely going to write more next year!
Being a good listener
I like to help people, but one of my greatest strengths is being a good listener. When people come to me for advice or just to vent, they know that they have my full, undivided attention.
Treating others how I want to be treated
This is a big one for me. People always tell me how nice I am and I think it's because I follow the golden rule. It's that simple. I believe in the laws of reciprocity and karma...
So that's my short list. I must say that I really like the person I am. I work very hard on being better and I would like to think that it shows. So, in 2011, I want to continue my journey of enlightenment as I strive to be a better wife, mother, granddaughter, sister, friend, auntie, professor, etc...By no means am I perfect (or even close to it); however, I think it's so easy to point out what we do wrong, I wanted to point out a few things I do well. I pledge to take more time for myself, sleep more and laugh more (even when I get my braces). I want to make sure I surround myself with people I love and who love me. I want to make sure that I listen to my intuition and trust my inner voice.
What do you do well and what are you going to work on? Whatever it is, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
"New Attitude" by Patti LaBelle
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Resolutions: When People Show You Who They Are...
As the New Year approaches, I am revisiting some areas of my life that need revamping. I want to take stock of where I am and where I want to be. Considering this, I want to look at how I can still be a helpful, nurturing person without sacrificing my own self-hood. I want deal with people in ways that are mutually beneficial. All my life, I have been a nurturer. I have been the one people run to when they have needed advice, needed to be fed, needed someone to listen, needed someone to care, needed someone to make them laugh, heck, any time they needed someone to (fill in the blank). And quite honestly, I have mostly enjoyed helping people. Even when I'm tired, I get satisfaction from filling someone's cup. I like the fact that folks can count on me. As a result of my actions, I have found that most people think I'm nice, well, probably more than nice and that's okay with me. *Insert smile*
However, I do realize that there is a downside to being a nurturer--you tend to always look for the best in people. And no matter how many other folks see people as selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever, I try to see the best in them. Even when they prove themselves to be selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever. Now, I am no one's fool, but I do have a soft heart. So this year, I'm gonna do better about seeing people as they are and not how I want them to be. Because sometimes, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them. Sad to say, but sometimes, people are just who they have shown you and everyone else they are. And despite anyone's best intentions, they will continue to do what they will do and be how they will be.
This might not seem like a big revelation to some people out there, but to me: it's monumental. See, I nurture folks because I want to see them do better, have better, know better, etc. I want them to know that someone in this world is here for them. But now I'm starting to understand that some people can't be helped. That whenever you show them up, they wanna look down. You show them joy and all they see is pain. You show them love and...well, you get broken. True story.
If I could heal the world, I would. I don't mean in a superficial way where I get all the credit for being a great benefactor, a wonderful donor, an empathetic humanitarian--nope, I would do it how I do it now--on the low. See I want the best for people and sometimes, I have to understand that some things are better left broken and some people are better left alone. *insert sad face.* Maybe someone who is reading this is thinking, well, it's not about you, it's about them. If you are really helping people, then you shouldn't care how they respond. Just help. And I will tell you that that's how I've been operating...help, help, help...but you know what? I'm tired. Because I'm nurturing people not sheep. And even though I understand that people only do what they can do, I have to understand this for myself as well--I can only do what I can do.
I've always been that child who wished on stars, prayed to God, hoped against hope and believed that people will do better, be better, want better. I won't ever lose that part of myself. However, what I do know is that my desire for something doesn't make it true. Because I want the best for someone or many someones, doesn't mean it will be because maybe, just maybe this is who and how they are. And no matter how many wishes I make, this is the only way they know how to be. See, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them.
For the New Year, my resolution related to this is that I will continue to work to be a blessing in the lives of others. When I give, I will continue to do so with an open heart and a willing spirit. I will make sure that my actions match my thoughts. And (this may be most important), when someone shows me who he or she is, I will deal with them accordingly. No harm, no foul. I will protect myself and my heart and I will believe them when they show me the how and the what of the who they really are. Fareal fareal.
Peace.
"I Keep" by Jill Scott
However, I do realize that there is a downside to being a nurturer--you tend to always look for the best in people. And no matter how many other folks see people as selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever, I try to see the best in them. Even when they prove themselves to be selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever. Now, I am no one's fool, but I do have a soft heart. So this year, I'm gonna do better about seeing people as they are and not how I want them to be. Because sometimes, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them. Sad to say, but sometimes, people are just who they have shown you and everyone else they are. And despite anyone's best intentions, they will continue to do what they will do and be how they will be.
This might not seem like a big revelation to some people out there, but to me: it's monumental. See, I nurture folks because I want to see them do better, have better, know better, etc. I want them to know that someone in this world is here for them. But now I'm starting to understand that some people can't be helped. That whenever you show them up, they wanna look down. You show them joy and all they see is pain. You show them love and...well, you get broken. True story.
If I could heal the world, I would. I don't mean in a superficial way where I get all the credit for being a great benefactor, a wonderful donor, an empathetic humanitarian--nope, I would do it how I do it now--on the low. See I want the best for people and sometimes, I have to understand that some things are better left broken and some people are better left alone. *insert sad face.* Maybe someone who is reading this is thinking, well, it's not about you, it's about them. If you are really helping people, then you shouldn't care how they respond. Just help. And I will tell you that that's how I've been operating...help, help, help...but you know what? I'm tired. Because I'm nurturing people not sheep. And even though I understand that people only do what they can do, I have to understand this for myself as well--I can only do what I can do.
I've always been that child who wished on stars, prayed to God, hoped against hope and believed that people will do better, be better, want better. I won't ever lose that part of myself. However, what I do know is that my desire for something doesn't make it true. Because I want the best for someone or many someones, doesn't mean it will be because maybe, just maybe this is who and how they are. And no matter how many wishes I make, this is the only way they know how to be. See, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them.
For the New Year, my resolution related to this is that I will continue to work to be a blessing in the lives of others. When I give, I will continue to do so with an open heart and a willing spirit. I will make sure that my actions match my thoughts. And (this may be most important), when someone shows me who he or she is, I will deal with them accordingly. No harm, no foul. I will protect myself and my heart and I will believe them when they show me the how and the what of the who they really are. Fareal fareal.
Peace.
"I Keep" by Jill Scott
Friday, December 24, 2010
Hang All the Mistletoe
I am blessed to come from a family who celebrates every.single.holiday. My grandmother always made sure that we had a good time whether it was a family barbeque for the Fourth of July (her birthday) to a turkey and dressing filled Thanksgiving. We ate, laughed and had a good ole time. Christmas was particularly festive: we had stockings, decorations, a beautiful tree and a blow up Santa and all the reindeer (my grandma was and still is da' queen of holiday decorating). Our house was the spot and yup, we ate, laughed and had a good ole time.
And you know what? We still do!! Despite all of our stuff, we still hang out together for all the holidays. It's never about the gifts, it's always been about the family. I love my family, with every fiber of my being, with everything I have. I love the spirit of the season and I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love and who love me back. From my family to yours, Happy Holidays!! And to get the party started, here are a few of my must have Christmas tunes:
"Every Year Every Christmas" by Luther Vandross
"My Favorite Things" by The Supremes
"Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" by James Brown
"Silent Night" by The Temptations
"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson Five
"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown
And you know what? We still do!! Despite all of our stuff, we still hang out together for all the holidays. It's never about the gifts, it's always been about the family. I love my family, with every fiber of my being, with everything I have. I love the spirit of the season and I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love and who love me back. From my family to yours, Happy Holidays!! And to get the party started, here are a few of my must have Christmas tunes:
"Every Year Every Christmas" by Luther Vandross
"My Favorite Things" by The Supremes
"Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" by James Brown
"Silent Night" by The Temptations
"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson Five
"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown
Thursday, December 16, 2010
We Fall Down, But...Um...Get Yo'self Up
Some of us get dealt a rough hand in life. No silver spoons, no doting parents, no easy way to go...plain and simple: it's a hard knock life (in my Annie voice). Some people go through more sadness than a Lifetime movie marathon, but...they survive. And not only do they survive, some even thrive!! *Insert hand claps and fist pumps.*
Have you ever looked at someone you know has had a rocky road and wonder how he or she made it through the storm? Maybe you are that person. Maybe your friends look at your resiliency and admire your ability to bounce back from whatever is thrown your way. Considering this, have you ever questioned why some of us are able to land on our feet no matter how many curve balls life throws? I have. I often wonder what separates the people who are able to overcome life's obstacles from those who collapse at the first sign of conflict. You know them, the people who can't sustain and have limited coping skills? I'm not knocking anyone for having down moments or feeling sorry for yourself...I'm talking about the people who stay down. They're not my kind.
I come from a crew of thrivers. Folks who have been baptized by fire. Folks who hit the ground running whenever, however, wherever. I was raised by people who created the "S" that New Age Superwomen wear on our chests. Women who spoke truth to power and polished the steel in their spines by the light of the moon. I love resilient people. I love people who are able to trump downfalls, shortfalls, pitfalls, heck even Niagara Falls. I love the folks who dust themselves off and make it do what it do, baby (channeling Ray Charles).
The next time you find yourself down in the dumps, broke down and feeling as if you are coming undone, I want you to GET UP!! That's right!! Get up and proclaim that you are going to get over this hurdle and step into your new life. The life that you desire. See you only get one life--this isn't a dress rehearsal. You have to make sure that you harness your power to live out your best life. Inside of you is a thriver, someone who makes lemonade out of misery and magic out of dust. Inside of you is your strength. Be sure to tap into it!!
Erykah Badu "My Life"
Have you ever looked at someone you know has had a rocky road and wonder how he or she made it through the storm? Maybe you are that person. Maybe your friends look at your resiliency and admire your ability to bounce back from whatever is thrown your way. Considering this, have you ever questioned why some of us are able to land on our feet no matter how many curve balls life throws? I have. I often wonder what separates the people who are able to overcome life's obstacles from those who collapse at the first sign of conflict. You know them, the people who can't sustain and have limited coping skills? I'm not knocking anyone for having down moments or feeling sorry for yourself...I'm talking about the people who stay down. They're not my kind.
I come from a crew of thrivers. Folks who have been baptized by fire. Folks who hit the ground running whenever, however, wherever. I was raised by people who created the "S" that New Age Superwomen wear on our chests. Women who spoke truth to power and polished the steel in their spines by the light of the moon. I love resilient people. I love people who are able to trump downfalls, shortfalls, pitfalls, heck even Niagara Falls. I love the folks who dust themselves off and make it do what it do, baby (channeling Ray Charles).
The next time you find yourself down in the dumps, broke down and feeling as if you are coming undone, I want you to GET UP!! That's right!! Get up and proclaim that you are going to get over this hurdle and step into your new life. The life that you desire. See you only get one life--this isn't a dress rehearsal. You have to make sure that you harness your power to live out your best life. Inside of you is a thriver, someone who makes lemonade out of misery and magic out of dust. Inside of you is your strength. Be sure to tap into it!!
Erykah Badu "My Life"
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Getting to Happy...
Ok, so the title of this post invokes Terry McMillian's latest work and that's intended. Recently, I facilitated a book talk that centered around this novel. One of the things that the attendees and I spoke to was the sadness in each of the female characters' lives. We knew the title stated getting to happy, but the consensus was that the journey didn't have to be that hard or that long (no spoilers). Annnnddd, it didn't seem as if anyone was truly happy at the end (oops--slight spoiler). So that got me to thinking--what is happiness? How do you truly measure something that is so indescribable, yet so palpable? I see many people walking around and living their lives, searching for satisfaction, but falling short.
How many of us know someone who, no matter what they have, still never seems satisfied? I don't mean the "go-gettas" who are the movers and shakers always aspiring to get the next big break. Who I am speaking about are the folks who are abundantly blessed but seem to be cursed with the Eeyore gene. No matter how good life is, they only see the hardships or the struggle or the pain or the...(insert any sad noun). Now I am not suggesting that one should run around like Pollyanna and be super de-duper happy about ev.er.y.thing. What I am suggesting is that we try to tap into the things that give us pleasure.
Full disclosure: I have been through some thangs in my life (insert violins and tears)--for real. I have experienced enough sadness to bring down a small town, enough disappointments to cripple a tiny village. But guess what? As many times as I have seen heartbreak, I have experienced joy tenfold. As much as I have seen darkness, I have taken comfort in the sun ten times over. See, because I understand that in each life a little rain must fall (old school R&B reference) and I understand that I don't deserve to have it any easier than the next person. I might sound crazy, but I promise you that I am so serious. See, I want to have it easy, to skip through life with no pain or sorrow. But really I don't. Because the truth is: the woman I am is mostly defined by my scabs and scars. I'm not suggesting that we should ask for hard times, but I am suggesting that we make peace with the knowledge that we all will go through some stuff. And how we handle that stuff, shows who we truly are.
In those moments of hardship, we get to develop our character, our compassion and our humanity. We get to sift through the muck of life and pick out the things that truly benefit us, enrich us or sustain us. As we move towards happy, we have to embrace the journey, as beautiful and as broken as it may be. We have to understand that it's the getting to that truly defines the "happy." I'm happy, are you?
Earth, Wind and Fire "Keep Your Head to the Sky"
How many of us know someone who, no matter what they have, still never seems satisfied? I don't mean the "go-gettas" who are the movers and shakers always aspiring to get the next big break. Who I am speaking about are the folks who are abundantly blessed but seem to be cursed with the Eeyore gene. No matter how good life is, they only see the hardships or the struggle or the pain or the...(insert any sad noun). Now I am not suggesting that one should run around like Pollyanna and be super de-duper happy about ev.er.y.thing. What I am suggesting is that we try to tap into the things that give us pleasure.
Full disclosure: I have been through some thangs in my life (insert violins and tears)--for real. I have experienced enough sadness to bring down a small town, enough disappointments to cripple a tiny village. But guess what? As many times as I have seen heartbreak, I have experienced joy tenfold. As much as I have seen darkness, I have taken comfort in the sun ten times over. See, because I understand that in each life a little rain must fall (old school R&B reference) and I understand that I don't deserve to have it any easier than the next person. I might sound crazy, but I promise you that I am so serious. See, I want to have it easy, to skip through life with no pain or sorrow. But really I don't. Because the truth is: the woman I am is mostly defined by my scabs and scars. I'm not suggesting that we should ask for hard times, but I am suggesting that we make peace with the knowledge that we all will go through some stuff. And how we handle that stuff, shows who we truly are.
In those moments of hardship, we get to develop our character, our compassion and our humanity. We get to sift through the muck of life and pick out the things that truly benefit us, enrich us or sustain us. As we move towards happy, we have to embrace the journey, as beautiful and as broken as it may be. We have to understand that it's the getting to that truly defines the "happy." I'm happy, are you?
Earth, Wind and Fire "Keep Your Head to the Sky"
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Welcome to the Holiday Season 2010. This is our chance to buy, buy, buy, more, more, more! This is the time for mass consumption of food, beverage and material purchases!! Black Friday, Cyber Monday, BOGO--sales, sales, sales!! My head spins with the thought of the number of bargains I could be taking advantage of even. as. I. type. Here is my chance to get that big screen t.v, that leather work bag, that brand new microwave, game systems for my kids and a computer for the husband!!! Ca--ching!!!! I am sure by now you have recognized my sarcasm--oh, you were about to call to see if I needed a shopping partner? o_O Well then this post is for YOU!!
Full disclosure: I love this time of year!! The parties, the family, the food, the fun, the joy, the music, the tree, the lights, the...everything! What I don't like about this time of the year is the mad dash for over consumption. The non-stop commercials to buy more, as if love can be measured by dollars spent. Hey, I am not begrudging anyone who wants to go out and spend his/her hard earned money on gifts for family and friends (another disclosure: I love gifts). What I do not like is buying for buying's sake. What's that? I repeat, I do not like buying for buying's sake. I cannot stand to see people running to the malls, lining up outside of stores just because someone has said that there is a deal to be found. I cannot stand the thought of brand new things piling up in people's basements, attics, closets, crawl spaces, car trunks, etc. never to be used because there is just soooo much to wade through and so we forget we even have all that stuff.
All that stuff that could be getting used by someone else, all that stuff that could benefit someone else. All that stuff--stuff we buy to cover up our feelings of inadequacy, our lack of self-worth, our need for love, our desire to be the Joneses...a space that needs filling in our lives, so we became super consumers--"did you see what I just bought?" What about what you have done to help someone, change someone, impact someone? In these times of want, there are so many people in need--right in our backyards is someone who can benefit from our generosity, our kindness, our charity.
Listen, I am not saying that you shouldn't buy gifts or spend money on wanted items. What I am suggesting is that we all take stock of our lives and see where we overspend on frivolous things. Especially during these economic times. Especially during this time of the year. Especially...aw shucks, y'all--just help someone, somewhere, somehow. Peace.
Give Love on Christmas Day--Jackson 5
Full disclosure: I love this time of year!! The parties, the family, the food, the fun, the joy, the music, the tree, the lights, the...everything! What I don't like about this time of the year is the mad dash for over consumption. The non-stop commercials to buy more, as if love can be measured by dollars spent. Hey, I am not begrudging anyone who wants to go out and spend his/her hard earned money on gifts for family and friends (another disclosure: I love gifts). What I do not like is buying for buying's sake. What's that? I repeat, I do not like buying for buying's sake. I cannot stand to see people running to the malls, lining up outside of stores just because someone has said that there is a deal to be found. I cannot stand the thought of brand new things piling up in people's basements, attics, closets, crawl spaces, car trunks, etc. never to be used because there is just soooo much to wade through and so we forget we even have all that stuff.
All that stuff that could be getting used by someone else, all that stuff that could benefit someone else. All that stuff--stuff we buy to cover up our feelings of inadequacy, our lack of self-worth, our need for love, our desire to be the Joneses...a space that needs filling in our lives, so we became super consumers--"did you see what I just bought?" What about what you have done to help someone, change someone, impact someone? In these times of want, there are so many people in need--right in our backyards is someone who can benefit from our generosity, our kindness, our charity.
Listen, I am not saying that you shouldn't buy gifts or spend money on wanted items. What I am suggesting is that we all take stock of our lives and see where we overspend on frivolous things. Especially during these economic times. Especially during this time of the year. Especially...aw shucks, y'all--just help someone, somewhere, somehow. Peace.
Give Love on Christmas Day--Jackson 5
Sunday, November 21, 2010
All I Do Is Win...
Recently, I was talking to someone who mentioned that people often said she acted as if she were "better" than them. Uh-oh. I'm sure some of you have heard that phrase before from someone who thought you were "bourgie", "siddity", "stuck up" or some other such descriptor that alluded to your perceived worth. I can't tell you the numbers of times I have heard someone (or me) being accused of acting like he/she was better than the speaker of the words: "you think you're better than me because you have (insert some arbitrary measure they have used to determine your worth)." Pause tape. What do you do when someone accuses you of putting on airs or acting "better?"
I used to cringe every time someone accused me of "talking white" or thinking I was better than he/she was. Now I know better. Puh-lease. I do think I'm better than that. If that is sitting on my butt, not doing anything, speaking broken English, not reading books, not getting an education, not volunteering, not taking care of my family, not being happy in my marriage. D*mn straight!! Notice I didn't say I thought I was better than them; I said I was better than that. Let me tell you something--the world does not begin or end with your success or your failure. Yup, I said it. I repeat: the world does not begin or end with your success or your failure. What you choose to do with yourself may only impact those in your circle. A lucky few of us will be able to impact people in greater numbers. That being said, Do YOU!!
Who cares what the next person says about who and how you are? Heck yeah, you should think you are better; you might even think you fancy, huh? Good stuff!! You should!! In every moment, you should strive to do your best, be your best and live your best life! You don't owe folks any explanations about wanting more for you and yours. You don't owe folks any reasons for wanting to do more and be more. You should set the bar high for your personal success and do what it takes to achieve your goals.
Let me tell you about me and I say this with no arrogance or snootiness: all I do is win!! Yup, I said it. Chest out, full bravado intact: all I do is win. I make no small work of winning because I work hard for all I have and do. Wait--I'm not talking about material possessions; I am talking about how I live my life. There are very few things that I have wanted to do and I haven't. You know why? 'Cause all I do is win!! And the more I win, the more I can help other people tap into their abilities to win. The more I win, I can work towards doing more, being more, helping more, living more, seeing more, more, more, more...I dream big and so I live out loud, I color outside the lines and I enjoy myself in the small moments. I determine my worth, I define my value, I set the benchmark for who and how I am. All I do is win--do you?
Hate On Me by Jill Scott
I used to cringe every time someone accused me of "talking white" or thinking I was better than he/she was. Now I know better. Puh-lease. I do think I'm better than that. If that is sitting on my butt, not doing anything, speaking broken English, not reading books, not getting an education, not volunteering, not taking care of my family, not being happy in my marriage. D*mn straight!! Notice I didn't say I thought I was better than them; I said I was better than that. Let me tell you something--the world does not begin or end with your success or your failure. Yup, I said it. I repeat: the world does not begin or end with your success or your failure. What you choose to do with yourself may only impact those in your circle. A lucky few of us will be able to impact people in greater numbers. That being said, Do YOU!!
Who cares what the next person says about who and how you are? Heck yeah, you should think you are better; you might even think you fancy, huh? Good stuff!! You should!! In every moment, you should strive to do your best, be your best and live your best life! You don't owe folks any explanations about wanting more for you and yours. You don't owe folks any reasons for wanting to do more and be more. You should set the bar high for your personal success and do what it takes to achieve your goals.
Let me tell you about me and I say this with no arrogance or snootiness: all I do is win!! Yup, I said it. Chest out, full bravado intact: all I do is win. I make no small work of winning because I work hard for all I have and do. Wait--I'm not talking about material possessions; I am talking about how I live my life. There are very few things that I have wanted to do and I haven't. You know why? 'Cause all I do is win!! And the more I win, the more I can help other people tap into their abilities to win. The more I win, I can work towards doing more, being more, helping more, living more, seeing more, more, more, more...I dream big and so I live out loud, I color outside the lines and I enjoy myself in the small moments. I determine my worth, I define my value, I set the benchmark for who and how I am. All I do is win--do you?
Hate On Me by Jill Scott
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Something Like a Circle of Sisters
Sister, you've been on my mind,
Sister, we're two of a kind,
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you...
I want to dispel a myth that women can't and don't get along. Ever since I can remember, I have had a wonderful sisterhood with a diverse group of women who have my back, my front and everything in between. I know I have been fortunate to have so many supportive women in my life. You wanna meet them? Start some mess with me and and what feels like a nation of strong women will begin braiding their hair, vaselining their faces and removing their earrings to settle a score with someone/anyone who has done me wrong. Why, you ask? Well, because I am one of their own. And they know it's reciprocal...I will do and have done it for them.
I love all my sisters even when we don't see to eye to eye. Who wants to hang with sheep? I love differences of opinions because that means that we all have pulses. See, I run with a crew of battle ready, intellectually armed, community minded, supersistas. Women who have their stuff to-gethuh (insert cool '70's posturing). And even when they struggle or flounder or stumble...they know enough to reach out to one of their own to be the hand they fan with, the leg they stand on, the shoulder they lean on. Because supersistas recognize that having the whole world in your hands can be hard and sometimes, you need someone who speaks your language to help you out (Insert sister signals).
Yeah, I have a husband, a great one in fact, but let me tell you, baaaaaaaaaby, ain't nothin' like your true blue, bonafide, sister crew. I mean, if you have a good crew because there is nothing like the connection between women who know. Women who are fierce, dynamic, kind, nurturing, informed, engaging, intelligent...women who are women.
Recently my husband, my children and I drove over 800 miles so that I could see a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. There wasn't anything wrong with her or our relationship. Although we had remained connected, we hadn't seen each other in a long time. And I wanted to change that. I needed to change that. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. And so I did. And we fell right back in step...we joked, we teased, we reminisced, we laughed and we connected like no time had elapsed since our last face to face visit. You know why? Because we are supersistas.
So let me give a public shout out to my supergirl crew who sustains me in every moment of my existence. To the biological ones (sisters and sistercousins) who share my DNA--thank you. To the ones I grew up with who still remain my friends--thank you. To the ones I met in high school--thank you. To the ones I met at work or in college--thank you. To the ones I met through my children, for my children or dealing with some children--thank you. To the ones who listen to my rants, laugh at my jokes, fuel my dreams, encourage my ambitions, extinguish my doubts, analyze my fear, recognize my worth, cherish my love--thank you, thank you, and a million times--THANK YOU! I love you more than words can express and I love you more than you will ever know.
Miss Celie's Blues
Sister, we're two of a kind,
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you...
I want to dispel a myth that women can't and don't get along. Ever since I can remember, I have had a wonderful sisterhood with a diverse group of women who have my back, my front and everything in between. I know I have been fortunate to have so many supportive women in my life. You wanna meet them? Start some mess with me and and what feels like a nation of strong women will begin braiding their hair, vaselining their faces and removing their earrings to settle a score with someone/anyone who has done me wrong. Why, you ask? Well, because I am one of their own. And they know it's reciprocal...I will do and have done it for them.
I love all my sisters even when we don't see to eye to eye. Who wants to hang with sheep? I love differences of opinions because that means that we all have pulses. See, I run with a crew of battle ready, intellectually armed, community minded, supersistas. Women who have their stuff to-gethuh (insert cool '70's posturing). And even when they struggle or flounder or stumble...they know enough to reach out to one of their own to be the hand they fan with, the leg they stand on, the shoulder they lean on. Because supersistas recognize that having the whole world in your hands can be hard and sometimes, you need someone who speaks your language to help you out (Insert sister signals).
Yeah, I have a husband, a great one in fact, but let me tell you, baaaaaaaaaby, ain't nothin' like your true blue, bonafide, sister crew. I mean, if you have a good crew because there is nothing like the connection between women who know. Women who are fierce, dynamic, kind, nurturing, informed, engaging, intelligent...women who are women.
Recently my husband, my children and I drove over 800 miles so that I could see a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. There wasn't anything wrong with her or our relationship. Although we had remained connected, we hadn't seen each other in a long time. And I wanted to change that. I needed to change that. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. And so I did. And we fell right back in step...we joked, we teased, we reminisced, we laughed and we connected like no time had elapsed since our last face to face visit. You know why? Because we are supersistas.
So let me give a public shout out to my supergirl crew who sustains me in every moment of my existence. To the biological ones (sisters and sistercousins) who share my DNA--thank you. To the ones I grew up with who still remain my friends--thank you. To the ones I met in high school--thank you. To the ones I met at work or in college--thank you. To the ones I met through my children, for my children or dealing with some children--thank you. To the ones who listen to my rants, laugh at my jokes, fuel my dreams, encourage my ambitions, extinguish my doubts, analyze my fear, recognize my worth, cherish my love--thank you, thank you, and a million times--THANK YOU! I love you more than words can express and I love you more than you will ever know.
Miss Celie's Blues
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Throwing Words Like Stones
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
How many of us have used this phrase and been so certain that we were making a good point? How many of us used this as our personal motto in order to move through the aftermath of someone else's verbal venom? I have. I didn't understand that this statement is sooo incorrect and has no true value in terms of making one feel better. You know why? Because words do hurt. I know that the intention of this oft uttered phrase is to give one strength, a layer of armor. However, it doesn't fully address the hurt that's left after someone says something that's downright disturbing. You know why? Because words do hurt.
Sticks and stones do break bones, but words can break hearts. I know that you can kill someone with a well aimed stick or stone, but guess what? A well aimed verbal assault can kill someone's spirit, destroy his/her soul. You know why? BECAUSE WORDS DO HURT. Words have value, important value in fact. It's the reason why you yell, "FIRE!!!" when your house is in flames, rather than yelling, "YOGURT!!" It's why you say, "I love you" and not, "I bungle you."
Too often, we speak without thinking, and cast words like stones. We fire words like weapons. We condemn, spite, demean, degrade, denigrate and...we destroy. And the sad part is, we don't always recognize it. We say it's who we are, we didn't mean it, I'm sorry, but...You know what, though? Words hurt and we need to be mindful of how we use them.
The next time you feel yourself about to deliver a verbal beat down, give a scathing commentary or make a disparaging remark, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with the person you are speaking to. If it's someone you love, like, care about, may need in the future, may cross professional paths with, etc., take a second to gather yourself before you speak. Because although you may feel like you have to get it off your chest, you may not get the results you intended. Because words hurt and people remember and they may not forgive you when you try to use your words to apologize.
Maya Angelou says, “Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning.” When you have the opportunity to speak your words, use them to empower, to encourage, to enlighten because at the end of the day, words have power. Use yours wisely.
India Arie "Talk to Her"
How many of us have used this phrase and been so certain that we were making a good point? How many of us used this as our personal motto in order to move through the aftermath of someone else's verbal venom? I have. I didn't understand that this statement is sooo incorrect and has no true value in terms of making one feel better. You know why? Because words do hurt. I know that the intention of this oft uttered phrase is to give one strength, a layer of armor. However, it doesn't fully address the hurt that's left after someone says something that's downright disturbing. You know why? Because words do hurt.
Sticks and stones do break bones, but words can break hearts. I know that you can kill someone with a well aimed stick or stone, but guess what? A well aimed verbal assault can kill someone's spirit, destroy his/her soul. You know why? BECAUSE WORDS DO HURT. Words have value, important value in fact. It's the reason why you yell, "FIRE!!!" when your house is in flames, rather than yelling, "YOGURT!!" It's why you say, "I love you" and not, "I bungle you."
Too often, we speak without thinking, and cast words like stones. We fire words like weapons. We condemn, spite, demean, degrade, denigrate and...we destroy. And the sad part is, we don't always recognize it. We say it's who we are, we didn't mean it, I'm sorry, but...You know what, though? Words hurt and we need to be mindful of how we use them.
The next time you feel yourself about to deliver a verbal beat down, give a scathing commentary or make a disparaging remark, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with the person you are speaking to. If it's someone you love, like, care about, may need in the future, may cross professional paths with, etc., take a second to gather yourself before you speak. Because although you may feel like you have to get it off your chest, you may not get the results you intended. Because words hurt and people remember and they may not forgive you when you try to use your words to apologize.
Maya Angelou says, “Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning.” When you have the opportunity to speak your words, use them to empower, to encourage, to enlighten because at the end of the day, words have power. Use yours wisely.
India Arie "Talk to Her"
Saturday, October 30, 2010
What's A Little Blackface Between Friends?
Recently, on a friend's FB page, she posted pics of the outfits she and her husband wore for a Halloween party. (SN: Every year, she posts pics and their costumes are usually fabulous). This year, they decided to go as reality tv personalities--her costume (Brett Michaels from Rock of Love) was fine; his? Well, he decided to go as Flavor Flav. No problem, right? Um, erra, well...I forgot to mention that he's white...and he went in Blackface. Yup!! You got it--he painted his white skin to portray a black man and so...the birth of this post (don't miss the Birth of a Nation reference).
I feel a public service announcement coming on: (tapping mic). "Hello?? Can anyone out there hear me? It is never a good idea when someone from the majority culture (read: White) dresses up as a member of an oppressed minority group (read: Black, LBGT, etc.). I repeat, if you are white, don't paint your skin black!!" (Ok, well maybe I didn't actually repeat it, but...I'm sure you get my point).
I don't care what people have you thinking about this so-called Post-Racial America foolishness, but America has had and still has a problem with RACE. I don't care if you want to believe that we should be color blind (we shouldn't be...color makes for a vibrant tapestry; it's discrimination that's problematic), you cannot dress in Black face and think it's okay. Somewhere, someone who is reading this is saying, "What's your problem? It's a costume. Lighten up!! Why can't I wear Blackface?" (insert a smug sarcastic look that most donkeys have). Well, I am glad you have asked. Here are my top 10 reasons about why one shouldn't wear Blackface (or tell racist jokes, or use racial epithets or do demeaning ish):
Top 10 Reasons You Shouldn't Wear Blackface:
10. It's Racist/ Prejudiced
9. It speaks to your ignorance about the history of minstrelsy in America
8. Everyone who just thought you were stupid, now knows you are--keep 'em guessing
7. It's a risk to your physical safety and well being
6. It's a risk to someone else's physical safety and well being
5. It's 2010 and you should know better
4. The Civil Rights Era
3. Lynching
2. Slavery
1. Because doing so undermines an entire race of people who have been denigrated throughout the history of this country. Because doing so keeps us that much farther from ever being the United States of America. Because doing so is Wrong...plain and simple.
In case you have any questions, watch the following clip from Spike Lee's brilliantly satirical, beautifully controversial movie Bamboozled:
Blackface
I feel a public service announcement coming on: (tapping mic). "Hello?? Can anyone out there hear me? It is never a good idea when someone from the majority culture (read: White) dresses up as a member of an oppressed minority group (read: Black, LBGT, etc.). I repeat, if you are white, don't paint your skin black!!" (Ok, well maybe I didn't actually repeat it, but...I'm sure you get my point).
I don't care what people have you thinking about this so-called Post-Racial America foolishness, but America has had and still has a problem with RACE. I don't care if you want to believe that we should be color blind (we shouldn't be...color makes for a vibrant tapestry; it's discrimination that's problematic), you cannot dress in Black face and think it's okay. Somewhere, someone who is reading this is saying, "What's your problem? It's a costume. Lighten up!! Why can't I wear Blackface?" (insert a smug sarcastic look that most donkeys have). Well, I am glad you have asked. Here are my top 10 reasons about why one shouldn't wear Blackface (or tell racist jokes, or use racial epithets or do demeaning ish):
Top 10 Reasons You Shouldn't Wear Blackface:
10. It's Racist/ Prejudiced
9. It speaks to your ignorance about the history of minstrelsy in America
8. Everyone who just thought you were stupid, now knows you are--keep 'em guessing
7. It's a risk to your physical safety and well being
6. It's a risk to someone else's physical safety and well being
5. It's 2010 and you should know better
4. The Civil Rights Era
3. Lynching
2. Slavery
1. Because doing so undermines an entire race of people who have been denigrated throughout the history of this country. Because doing so keeps us that much farther from ever being the United States of America. Because doing so is Wrong...plain and simple.
In case you have any questions, watch the following clip from Spike Lee's brilliantly satirical, beautifully controversial movie Bamboozled:
Blackface
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sick and Tired of Being...
How many of us are feeling the weight of the economy? Depressed about education in the United States? The housing crisis? The job market? Student loan debt? Taxes? Racism? Sexism? Violence? or (fill in the blanks)? How many of us are tired of turning on the news and seeing how terrible life is for most people? How bad so many people have it? I am!!
I think I may have reached my limit in my capacity to tolerate one more piece of bad news, sad news, or gonna make me mad news!! (Insert screams, foot stomping, pouty lips and furrowed brows). I got up this morning feeling like...I don't know...I just felt like...Blah! Bah! Gah! Waaaaaaaaaaaah! And then, I remembered...I woke up this morning!! Imagine that, I took another breath, saw another sight, felt another feel...I woke up this morning!!! And you know what? That is a blessing in and of itself. I woke up this morning and in the words of my mother in law: "my bed was not my cooling board and my sheet was not my shroud" (look up Gullah sayings).
Here I was lying in bed, under the weight of everything and I forgot to count my blessings. I know that the world is hard out here for sooooooo many people and this is not the best time in a lot of folks' lives, but I am here. And I know that as long as I have breath in my body, I am able to touch another life, reach another soul, walk another mile and help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I can inspire another being, cultivate another mind and I can help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I CAN HELP ANOTHER PERSON!!!! And then I realized that life ain't so bad at'all.
Today I wish that you are able to find the motivation to do better and be better! Today I wish that you are able to tap into your spirit and find whatever it takes in order to propel you forward!! Today I wish you hope. Peace!
R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly"
I think I may have reached my limit in my capacity to tolerate one more piece of bad news, sad news, or gonna make me mad news!! (Insert screams, foot stomping, pouty lips and furrowed brows). I got up this morning feeling like...I don't know...I just felt like...Blah! Bah! Gah! Waaaaaaaaaaaah! And then, I remembered...I woke up this morning!! Imagine that, I took another breath, saw another sight, felt another feel...I woke up this morning!!! And you know what? That is a blessing in and of itself. I woke up this morning and in the words of my mother in law: "my bed was not my cooling board and my sheet was not my shroud" (look up Gullah sayings).
Here I was lying in bed, under the weight of everything and I forgot to count my blessings. I know that the world is hard out here for sooooooo many people and this is not the best time in a lot of folks' lives, but I am here. And I know that as long as I have breath in my body, I am able to touch another life, reach another soul, walk another mile and help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I can inspire another being, cultivate another mind and I can help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I CAN HELP ANOTHER PERSON!!!! And then I realized that life ain't so bad at'all.
Today I wish that you are able to find the motivation to do better and be better! Today I wish that you are able to tap into your spirit and find whatever it takes in order to propel you forward!! Today I wish you hope. Peace!
R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly"
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday Flirt: Our Love
In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connections, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy breathless, do me baby, I gotta have you way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind. [He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
"Our Love" by Natalie Cole
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connections, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy breathless, do me baby, I gotta have you way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind. [He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
"Our Love" by Natalie Cole
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Body Love
Too often, women feel as if they have to ascribe to an unrealistic standard of beauty that is one size fits all. The idea that a woman's beauty only fits into one mold is one that I find insulting and at the same time, laughable. What boggles my mind even more is why we have allowed men to dictate the ins and outs of a woman's beauty. Puh-leaze. Let them focus on their own physical images and leave ours alone (singing "I am woman, hear me roar").
Why do women let men define our standards of beauty? And since we allow men to determine the baseline for what is attractive, why are we surprised that the so-called ideal image involves a Barbie prototype that doesn't even exist in real life? I mean it's ludicrous. As women, we agonize over every gray hair in our scalps, chins and nether regions. We stress over crows' feet and smile lines. Meanwhile, men start to bald and/or go gray and they're led to believe that they look distinguished. Crows' feet somehow allegedly make them look wiser. But women? Um, er, well...let's just say that there are aisles and aisles of wrinkle removers, age spot fade creams, hair dyes and the like waiting...
And our bodies? Well, some of us inject botox or get silicone implants in our breasts and our buttocks to give an image of sexiness that we feel can't be achieved naturally. Now, I'm all for women doing whatever they want in order to make themselves happy, but only if it's for oneself. Seeking external validation beyond a compliment (we all like flattery), is not the way to go for true self-fulfillment. I mean I love makeup and I've been known to wear foundation garments daily. However, if my husband insisted on either...Well I would be bare faced in a hot minute AND everything that's being held up and in, would have free rein to expand or scrape the ground or... (sorry for the visuals, but I have a point to make).
I'm not suggesting that women shouldn't take care of ourselves or try to look our best (whatever we define it as individually). What I am stating, emphatically, is that we should be who we feel we need to be. No person has the right to tell us how our bodies are supposed to be shaped or should look. We cannot continue to allow external elements to extinguish our voices about our physical landscapes. If you act of your own accord,then by all means, pluck it, fill it, shape it, dye it, wax it, nip it, tuck it, extract it, minimize it, control it, lift it, etc...as long as it's YOU who is defining it.
"Video" by India Arie
Why do women let men define our standards of beauty? And since we allow men to determine the baseline for what is attractive, why are we surprised that the so-called ideal image involves a Barbie prototype that doesn't even exist in real life? I mean it's ludicrous. As women, we agonize over every gray hair in our scalps, chins and nether regions. We stress over crows' feet and smile lines. Meanwhile, men start to bald and/or go gray and they're led to believe that they look distinguished. Crows' feet somehow allegedly make them look wiser. But women? Um, er, well...let's just say that there are aisles and aisles of wrinkle removers, age spot fade creams, hair dyes and the like waiting...
And our bodies? Well, some of us inject botox or get silicone implants in our breasts and our buttocks to give an image of sexiness that we feel can't be achieved naturally. Now, I'm all for women doing whatever they want in order to make themselves happy, but only if it's for oneself. Seeking external validation beyond a compliment (we all like flattery), is not the way to go for true self-fulfillment. I mean I love makeup and I've been known to wear foundation garments daily. However, if my husband insisted on either...Well I would be bare faced in a hot minute AND everything that's being held up and in, would have free rein to expand or scrape the ground or... (sorry for the visuals, but I have a point to make).
I'm not suggesting that women shouldn't take care of ourselves or try to look our best (whatever we define it as individually). What I am stating, emphatically, is that we should be who we feel we need to be. No person has the right to tell us how our bodies are supposed to be shaped or should look. We cannot continue to allow external elements to extinguish our voices about our physical landscapes. If you act of your own accord,then by all means, pluck it, fill it, shape it, dye it, wax it, nip it, tuck it, extract it, minimize it, control it, lift it, etc...as long as it's YOU who is defining it.
"Video" by India Arie
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Living Like We're Bulletproof
Despite the tone of the following words, I promise you that this post is about love. It's about the search for satisfaction and the desire to be better. Ultimately, this post is about hope.
If I turn on the news and hear of another young black male getting shot, stabbed, killed...I don't know what I will do because I can't take it...*insert tears*. I am the mother of sons and I have a husband, brothers, nephews and male cousins, friends and students who all mean the world to me. The world. And that is why it breaks my heart that young, black men feel as if they are born into the world with expiration dates on their foreheads, that they are born to live only until they die. It saddens me beyond measure that these boys feel that 21 is the new "winter" of life. What the heck is going on?
There are so many young black men who struggle with identity (sexual and racial), with image (self and public), with violence (internal and external), with subjugation (cultural, intellectual and financial), with *insert -ism*. It is HARD out here to be young, black and male. Say what you want, but it's the truth.
If I hear another woman say that she is both father and mother to her child, I am gonna holler *a la Marvin Gaye style*. Women, we can't be mother and father to our children, but I get what you mean. You mean that you have had to fulfill all parenting responsibilities alone because the proverbial "baby daddy" or ex-husband has left you and baby high and dry. I know your pain because I have been there.
I see you struggling raising little Jr. to be the man of the family, but he can't be. Let that child be a boy. Let that child be a child who is not bumping his head on the ceiling of his so-called actual possibilities (James Baldwin "Sonny's Blues" reference). Don't poison that child with stories of the man who left; that has no bearing on who he will become. Water him with stories of greatness and possibility. Shame on the males (I can't say men) who leave their sons (and daughters) without the benefit of their influence. (SN: This is not a post about women who deny their children relationships with their fathers; that's a different post).
This post is a post about love because I love Black men and boys, but I am afraid for all of my brothers. I know some great men (I'm married to one) and I know there are some beautiful brothers who are triumphing over the struggle in every moment (I'm surrounded by them). But I am scared because we are living in a world where race is a factor in the high numbers of black male deaths even as we claim to move forward in a so-called Post-Racial America. I know that there are black boys and men who speak truth to power and who excel in every moment. I even wrote about one here. I know about the beauty and strength of black males.
I envision a world where mentors for Black boys are plentiful. I envision a world where fathers are present in their sons' lives whether they live with them or not. I envision a world where manhood is as natural as breathing. I envision a world where Black men aren't hunted, but where they are celebrated for all that they contribute. I envision a world where black boys get past the fourth grade in school and don't give into the fourth grade failure syndrome (check out Jawanza Kunjufu). I envision a world where Black boys remember the Tuskegee Airmen or the baseball players of the Negro Leagues or W.E.B DuBois or Paul Laurence Dunbar or... *insert any positive Black male reference that we learn too little about in schools*.
I want to challenge folks to get involved in the life of a young Black boy. Mentor a young man today and present options to him that may not be apparent. Feed his soul with the taste of success. Stoke his mind with interaction that is intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and mentally satisfying. I envision a world where young Black men return to the kingly positions of their ancestors. What will you do to help?
The Future
If I turn on the news and hear of another young black male getting shot, stabbed, killed...I don't know what I will do because I can't take it...*insert tears*. I am the mother of sons and I have a husband, brothers, nephews and male cousins, friends and students who all mean the world to me. The world. And that is why it breaks my heart that young, black men feel as if they are born into the world with expiration dates on their foreheads, that they are born to live only until they die. It saddens me beyond measure that these boys feel that 21 is the new "winter" of life. What the heck is going on?
There are so many young black men who struggle with identity (sexual and racial), with image (self and public), with violence (internal and external), with subjugation (cultural, intellectual and financial), with *insert -ism*. It is HARD out here to be young, black and male. Say what you want, but it's the truth.
If I hear another woman say that she is both father and mother to her child, I am gonna holler *a la Marvin Gaye style*. Women, we can't be mother and father to our children, but I get what you mean. You mean that you have had to fulfill all parenting responsibilities alone because the proverbial "baby daddy" or ex-husband has left you and baby high and dry. I know your pain because I have been there.
I see you struggling raising little Jr. to be the man of the family, but he can't be. Let that child be a boy. Let that child be a child who is not bumping his head on the ceiling of his so-called actual possibilities (James Baldwin "Sonny's Blues" reference). Don't poison that child with stories of the man who left; that has no bearing on who he will become. Water him with stories of greatness and possibility. Shame on the males (I can't say men) who leave their sons (and daughters) without the benefit of their influence. (SN: This is not a post about women who deny their children relationships with their fathers; that's a different post).
This post is a post about love because I love Black men and boys, but I am afraid for all of my brothers. I know some great men (I'm married to one) and I know there are some beautiful brothers who are triumphing over the struggle in every moment (I'm surrounded by them). But I am scared because we are living in a world where race is a factor in the high numbers of black male deaths even as we claim to move forward in a so-called Post-Racial America. I know that there are black boys and men who speak truth to power and who excel in every moment. I even wrote about one here. I know about the beauty and strength of black males.
I envision a world where mentors for Black boys are plentiful. I envision a world where fathers are present in their sons' lives whether they live with them or not. I envision a world where manhood is as natural as breathing. I envision a world where Black men aren't hunted, but where they are celebrated for all that they contribute. I envision a world where black boys get past the fourth grade in school and don't give into the fourth grade failure syndrome (check out Jawanza Kunjufu). I envision a world where Black boys remember the Tuskegee Airmen or the baseball players of the Negro Leagues or W.E.B DuBois or Paul Laurence Dunbar or... *insert any positive Black male reference that we learn too little about in schools*.
I want to challenge folks to get involved in the life of a young Black boy. Mentor a young man today and present options to him that may not be apparent. Feed his soul with the taste of success. Stoke his mind with interaction that is intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and mentally satisfying. I envision a world where young Black men return to the kingly positions of their ancestors. What will you do to help?
The Future
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Purposeful Expression: Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?
An important part of purposeful expression is communication which consists of written, non-verbal and verbal components. How you act can be just as significant as what you say. When you walk into a room, people automatically take stock of who they think you are. You don’t have to like the same music, be from the same neighborhood, have the same job, go to the same church, have the same friends in order to communicate. In fact, with effective communication, you can connect with people from all walks of life.
How you dress, how you speak, how you carry yourself and how you treat others are all mechanisms of communication. Each of these elements can give observers valuable insight into who you are. Too many of us say that we don’t care what others think of us, but I am telling you that it is important to be mindful of our outward appearances and expressions. You want to make sure that you are sending the right cues. You might not think that it matters if you curse in the hallways at school or that it might not matter if you curse your kids out in public. You might not think it matters if you wear tight and revealing clothes or that it might not matter if your pants sag below your bottom. You might not think it matters if you roll your eyes when your parents try to give you good advice or it might not matter if you tune out when your children are talking. But I am telling you, it does matter. Communication is not just talking…it is also effective listening and presentation of your character.
Too many people hide behind masks and communication is hampered by unnecessary roadblocks. You need to be sure that your oral communication is effective as well. Learn proper sentence structure. Read well-written books and articles. Read the newspaper and then practice constructing sentences that mimic those that are well written. Unfortunately, because of text messaging we have been far too casual in our written communication. I have students who use numbers for words and acronyms for sentences. (#4-for; B-be; idk-I don’t know; brb-be right back) and they don't understand why they are being marked off on essays. Wut? R u kiddn me? But seriously, it's a shame that they believe the these shortcuts are appropriate substitutes for traditional spelling. Being an effective written communicator can mean the difference between being successful and failing.
It is imperative that you know how to develop paragraphs and outline your thoughts in written form. It sounds so cliché, but reading and writing are fundamental. In order to be a great communicator, carry yourself with dignity. Listen when you are spoken to. Speak when folks are listening. Dress appropriately. Be mindful of your mannerisms and gestures and speak proper English. No one wants to decipher your slanguage or your colloquialisms in order to get to your message. Articulate your thoughts clearly and speak with conviction. Please know that speaking well is not attributed to one race, one nationality, one gender or one social class. We should all have full command of proper English!! We don't live in isolation and it is important that we find ways to build bridges to connect with other people.
P.S: Conversate is not a word; it's converse (but not like the sneaker)...
Be purposeful in your expression for improved communication. Peace.
Dr. Garrard McClendon "Lessons in Proper English"
How you dress, how you speak, how you carry yourself and how you treat others are all mechanisms of communication. Each of these elements can give observers valuable insight into who you are. Too many of us say that we don’t care what others think of us, but I am telling you that it is important to be mindful of our outward appearances and expressions. You want to make sure that you are sending the right cues. You might not think that it matters if you curse in the hallways at school or that it might not matter if you curse your kids out in public. You might not think it matters if you wear tight and revealing clothes or that it might not matter if your pants sag below your bottom. You might not think it matters if you roll your eyes when your parents try to give you good advice or it might not matter if you tune out when your children are talking. But I am telling you, it does matter. Communication is not just talking…it is also effective listening and presentation of your character.
Too many people hide behind masks and communication is hampered by unnecessary roadblocks. You need to be sure that your oral communication is effective as well. Learn proper sentence structure. Read well-written books and articles. Read the newspaper and then practice constructing sentences that mimic those that are well written. Unfortunately, because of text messaging we have been far too casual in our written communication. I have students who use numbers for words and acronyms for sentences. (#4-for; B-be; idk-I don’t know; brb-be right back) and they don't understand why they are being marked off on essays. Wut? R u kiddn me? But seriously, it's a shame that they believe the these shortcuts are appropriate substitutes for traditional spelling. Being an effective written communicator can mean the difference between being successful and failing.
It is imperative that you know how to develop paragraphs and outline your thoughts in written form. It sounds so cliché, but reading and writing are fundamental. In order to be a great communicator, carry yourself with dignity. Listen when you are spoken to. Speak when folks are listening. Dress appropriately. Be mindful of your mannerisms and gestures and speak proper English. No one wants to decipher your slanguage or your colloquialisms in order to get to your message. Articulate your thoughts clearly and speak with conviction. Please know that speaking well is not attributed to one race, one nationality, one gender or one social class. We should all have full command of proper English!! We don't live in isolation and it is important that we find ways to build bridges to connect with other people.
P.S: Conversate is not a word; it's converse (but not like the sneaker)...
Be purposeful in your expression for improved communication. Peace.
Dr. Garrard McClendon "Lessons in Proper English"
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
...When You Need a Hand
On the way to work today, the original version of "Lean on Me" came on the radio. I have always had a fondness for this song because I love the idea of having a soft place to land in times of need. As I sang along, I was reminded of how many people are in need--especially at this time of the year.
Throughout our nation, we hear of so many people who are going without the basic necessities: food, clothing, and/or shelter. This isn't a Third World country (not that those citizens deserve to suffer either); this is the United States. The United States is supposed to be first world and first rate. It makes me ache to the very core of my being to know that somewhere there is a child, a man, a woman, a person who has to do without. I don't mean without steak, without Polo or without a mansion. Those things that I mention are trappings of privilege. I'm talking about good nourishment, appropriate clothing and safe housing. The very basic of the very basic necessities it takes to sustain a society; the very basic of what it takes to build a nation...the very basic.
Too many people are using food cupboards, clothing closets and homeless shelters. Too many families cannot provide for the everyday needs of their children in the current economic situations. Even the fabled "Joneses" can't keep up with their past imitable lifestyles. We allegedly live in a land of plenty, but the only plenty is the plenty of folks who can't keep their heads above water.
How many of us, in our daily lives, think about ways that we can enrich the lives of others? How many of us work to better the lives of those who are less fortunate? How many of us are willing to split our daily bread if we are able? If you are able, are you willing to share yours with someone in need? Someone whose "enough" never seems to be?
And let me ask another thing--are you that someone in need? Are you suffering in silence, too afraid to ask for assistance? Too ashamed to seek help? Well, as my grandmother has said over and over, "a closed mouth don't get fed." And that is in the literal and figurative sense. Let me tell you something, I will pile my house floor to ceiling in order to help the people I love if they are in need.
I know that times are tough for everyone and many don't know how they are going to make it to the next week. I get that, but I'm talking to the folks who have extra and won't share; who have extra and won't give. When you go grocery shopping, buy a couple of extra canned goods to donate to a food cupboard. If you catch some linens on sale, buy them and donate them to a homeless shelter. If you get a chance, go lobby for suitable low income housing. Do something. Because you know what? There will be a time when you need something from someone because as Bill Withers sings, "We ALL need somebody to lean on." So if you are able, stand up with your back braced against the need and be that person for someone to lean on.
Peace.
"Lean on Me" by Kirk Franklin
Throughout our nation, we hear of so many people who are going without the basic necessities: food, clothing, and/or shelter. This isn't a Third World country (not that those citizens deserve to suffer either); this is the United States. The United States is supposed to be first world and first rate. It makes me ache to the very core of my being to know that somewhere there is a child, a man, a woman, a person who has to do without. I don't mean without steak, without Polo or without a mansion. Those things that I mention are trappings of privilege. I'm talking about good nourishment, appropriate clothing and safe housing. The very basic of the very basic necessities it takes to sustain a society; the very basic of what it takes to build a nation...the very basic.
Too many people are using food cupboards, clothing closets and homeless shelters. Too many families cannot provide for the everyday needs of their children in the current economic situations. Even the fabled "Joneses" can't keep up with their past imitable lifestyles. We allegedly live in a land of plenty, but the only plenty is the plenty of folks who can't keep their heads above water.
How many of us, in our daily lives, think about ways that we can enrich the lives of others? How many of us work to better the lives of those who are less fortunate? How many of us are willing to split our daily bread if we are able? If you are able, are you willing to share yours with someone in need? Someone whose "enough" never seems to be?
And let me ask another thing--are you that someone in need? Are you suffering in silence, too afraid to ask for assistance? Too ashamed to seek help? Well, as my grandmother has said over and over, "a closed mouth don't get fed." And that is in the literal and figurative sense. Let me tell you something, I will pile my house floor to ceiling in order to help the people I love if they are in need.
I know that times are tough for everyone and many don't know how they are going to make it to the next week. I get that, but I'm talking to the folks who have extra and won't share; who have extra and won't give. When you go grocery shopping, buy a couple of extra canned goods to donate to a food cupboard. If you catch some linens on sale, buy them and donate them to a homeless shelter. If you get a chance, go lobby for suitable low income housing. Do something. Because you know what? There will be a time when you need something from someone because as Bill Withers sings, "We ALL need somebody to lean on." So if you are able, stand up with your back braced against the need and be that person for someone to lean on.
Peace.
"Lean on Me" by Kirk Franklin
Friday, September 17, 2010
Friday Flirt: Femininity
Recently, my husband told me that he loves the way I carry myself and how I'm so feminine. Not that he hasn't said it before, but something about the way that he said feminine resonated differently. In a good way. I love being called feminine as much as I love being acknowledged as being smart. Sometimes, women might look at being feminine as a negative or as a euphemism for being weak. But, I recognize that the strength of some women is uniquely feminine.
I love painted nails, fragranced lotions, pretty underwear, pointy heels and all things makeup. However, I know that costuming and dress up don't necessary define femininity. I feel just as feminine fresh out of tub in a t-shirt, no makeup and sweatpants. Because, you see, I'm feminine on the inside to my marrow and that just enhances the external appeal.
Can you be a sports loving mama and be feminine? Absolutely. Can you be a machine gun toting sister soldier and be feminine? Without a doubt. It's in the way that you carry yourself, the indescribable something that makes people stop and take stock of you and your actions. Your throaty laugh, the way you curl your hair around a finger, your signature perfume, the way your hips move when you dance, the way you walk, the way you talk...basically, the way you do the things you do.
So ladies, celebrate your femininity; take stock of all of your appealing characteristics and showcase them. Never let anyone make you feel as if you are not strong because you are feminine or that you can't be considered intelligent. Femininity is not about too tight clothing, garish makeup or spilling over breasts. Femininity is understated, yet obvious; indescribable, yet tangible. Femininity is ... you.
"Femininity" by Eric Benét
I love painted nails, fragranced lotions, pretty underwear, pointy heels and all things makeup. However, I know that costuming and dress up don't necessary define femininity. I feel just as feminine fresh out of tub in a t-shirt, no makeup and sweatpants. Because, you see, I'm feminine on the inside to my marrow and that just enhances the external appeal.
Can you be a sports loving mama and be feminine? Absolutely. Can you be a machine gun toting sister soldier and be feminine? Without a doubt. It's in the way that you carry yourself, the indescribable something that makes people stop and take stock of you and your actions. Your throaty laugh, the way you curl your hair around a finger, your signature perfume, the way your hips move when you dance, the way you walk, the way you talk...basically, the way you do the things you do.
So ladies, celebrate your femininity; take stock of all of your appealing characteristics and showcase them. Never let anyone make you feel as if you are not strong because you are feminine or that you can't be considered intelligent. Femininity is not about too tight clothing, garish makeup or spilling over breasts. Femininity is understated, yet obvious; indescribable, yet tangible. Femininity is ... you.
"Femininity" by Eric Benét
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Poetic Pleasures
I am a Poet by nature and I find much comfort in the written word. Sometimes, no explanation is needed. Many times the images speak for themselves. I would like to share a wonderful poem by the courageously bold Audre Lorde. I am particularly fond of "Coal" and have often recited it aloud just to hear the images reverberate in the air. You might also want to read "A Woman Speaks".
Audre Lorde was undefined by conventional standards of beauty, of sexuality, of the so-called Black voice. Her sharply sensuous descriptions dance and explore and punctuate and excite and challenge and...
I hope you enjoy what is one of my favorite poems:
Coal
by Audre Lorde
I
Is the total black, being spoken
From the earth's inside.
There are many kinds of open.
How a diamond comes into a knot of flame
How a sound comes into a word, coloured
By who pays what for speaking.
Some words are open
Like a diamond on glass windows
Singing out within the crash of passing sun
Then there are words like stapled wagers
In a perforated book—buy and sign and tear apart—
And come whatever wills all chances
The stub remains
An ill-pulled tooth with a ragged edge.
Some words live in my throat
Breeding like adders. Others know sun
Seeking like gypsies over my tongue
To explode through my lips
Like young sparrows bursting from shell.
Some words
Bedevil me.
Love is a word another kind of open—
As a diamond comes into a knot of flame
I am black because I come from the earth's inside
Take my word for jewel in your open light.
Audre Lorde was undefined by conventional standards of beauty, of sexuality, of the so-called Black voice. Her sharply sensuous descriptions dance and explore and punctuate and excite and challenge and...
I hope you enjoy what is one of my favorite poems:
Coal
by Audre Lorde
I
Is the total black, being spoken
From the earth's inside.
There are many kinds of open.
How a diamond comes into a knot of flame
How a sound comes into a word, coloured
By who pays what for speaking.
Some words are open
Like a diamond on glass windows
Singing out within the crash of passing sun
Then there are words like stapled wagers
In a perforated book—buy and sign and tear apart—
And come whatever wills all chances
The stub remains
An ill-pulled tooth with a ragged edge.
Some words live in my throat
Breeding like adders. Others know sun
Seeking like gypsies over my tongue
To explode through my lips
Like young sparrows bursting from shell.
Some words
Bedevil me.
Love is a word another kind of open—
As a diamond comes into a knot of flame
I am black because I come from the earth's inside
Take my word for jewel in your open light.
Friday, September 10, 2010
In Search of Satisfaction--Choosing You
Because you never know where life is gonna take you
and you can't change where you've been
But today, I have the opportunity to choose... India Arie in "I Choose"
For many of us, there may be a voice in our heads that keeps us from doing what we NEED to do for our own happiness. I don't mean your conscience that serves to keep you from making poor decisions, I mean that lingering, nagging self-doubt that manifests itself into dissatisfaction. Somewhere at the core of you is someone who wants to dream bigger, soar higher, shine brighter but...you can't. Because of something you did a long time ago or yesterday and someone or some folks said that you can't or you shouldn't so you don't. And then you are paralyzed in the graveyard of dreams with a poor outlook for yourself.
But I implore you to claim your right to satisfaction. Satisfaction doesn't equal wealth or more friends or... Satisfaction does not equal easy living, but at the end of the day you can be satisfied because you know that you did what you NEEDED to survive and even, thrive.
Listen, I made some poor decisions when I was younger and I made some mistakes that I felt that I could never come back from. I wanted to give up and just fade away. But something inside of me challenged me to do what I NEEDED to do and to follow the path that I wanted. I was in search of satisfaction and although I didn't know it then, I would go down an irreversible path of reclaiming my life. I would forge my own path shaped by my own understanding of who I wanted to become. I know now that the saying to thine ownself be true is a necessary component to who becoming yourself, to choosing yourself.
Never let anyone make you feel bad because you are in search of personal satisfaction through self-definition. Don't give your power away. The following song by India Arie was my manifesta last year; I even used it as my ring tone. I wanted everyone to know that when they came in contact with me, they were dealing with a fully developed and aware being. I know who and how I am and I make no apologies for that. I want the best for myself and am purposeful in my actions when I am working on myself. I choose me. Do you choose you?
India Arie "I Choose"
and you can't change where you've been
But today, I have the opportunity to choose... India Arie in "I Choose"
For many of us, there may be a voice in our heads that keeps us from doing what we NEED to do for our own happiness. I don't mean your conscience that serves to keep you from making poor decisions, I mean that lingering, nagging self-doubt that manifests itself into dissatisfaction. Somewhere at the core of you is someone who wants to dream bigger, soar higher, shine brighter but...you can't. Because of something you did a long time ago or yesterday and someone or some folks said that you can't or you shouldn't so you don't. And then you are paralyzed in the graveyard of dreams with a poor outlook for yourself.
But I implore you to claim your right to satisfaction. Satisfaction doesn't equal wealth or more friends or... Satisfaction does not equal easy living, but at the end of the day you can be satisfied because you know that you did what you NEEDED to survive and even, thrive.
Listen, I made some poor decisions when I was younger and I made some mistakes that I felt that I could never come back from. I wanted to give up and just fade away. But something inside of me challenged me to do what I NEEDED to do and to follow the path that I wanted. I was in search of satisfaction and although I didn't know it then, I would go down an irreversible path of reclaiming my life. I would forge my own path shaped by my own understanding of who I wanted to become. I know now that the saying to thine ownself be true is a necessary component to who becoming yourself, to choosing yourself.
Never let anyone make you feel bad because you are in search of personal satisfaction through self-definition. Don't give your power away. The following song by India Arie was my manifesta last year; I even used it as my ring tone. I wanted everyone to know that when they came in contact with me, they were dealing with a fully developed and aware being. I know who and how I am and I make no apologies for that. I want the best for myself and am purposeful in my actions when I am working on myself. I choose me. Do you choose you?
India Arie "I Choose"
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Education Paves the Way
One of the things that I know to be true is that education opens the door to a world of opportunities. Education comes in many forms but is broken into two major categories--informal and formal. The most well educated of us will have a good mix of informal and formal education. We will be able to code shift as necessary and navigate through many arenas.
Informal education can be absorbed from what you learn from reading, tasting, seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, experiencing and so on. It is not based on academics or what you learn in school. How you "read" people, your sense of discernment, your "sixth sense"--these are all examples of informal education. Sometimes we discount informal education and dismiss it, but our elders know the value of "common sense" as it is often known. Good old fashioned common sense can help you make thoughtful decisions that may benefit you and perhaps your larger community. In fact, informal education can be the thing that whets your appetite for learning. In many ways, it works in tandem with formal education.
As for formal education, the benefits can be endless. You can learn about other cultures, expand your mind, earn degrees, be granted titles, secure licensing and increase your earning potential. The process of participating in formal education allows you to interact with different people and maybe even travel the world. With rates of high joblessness, many of us may not see the benefit of getting into debt to get an education. The possibility of not getting a job is cause for alarm, but it still stands that you have a greater chance of getting a job if you have a college degree. But let me give you a piece of advice--try to do something that you love.
Another key element in formal education is developing critical thinking skills based on inquiry (asking questions), analysis (interpreting information) and synthesis (combining findings into intelligent output). Being able to converse in an educated manner is an underestimated skill. Engaging in an intelligent exchange of ideas with equally yoked peers is something to behold. Trust me.
Considering this, a high premium is placed on education. Or rather, there should be. Unfortunately, in many segments of our community, when we pursue degrees, we are considered as sellouts. But it’s never the people who have made it who promote this notion. It’s the folks who feel disconnected and disenfranchised from traditional means of education. Listen, education is no free ticket to financial wealth or the answer to all things. However, the pursuit of intellectualism is a lost art. There are plenty of educated fools in this world. Learning for knowledge’s sake, needs to be brought back to the center of our culture. We need to recognize that folks DIED for the right to get an education and far too many of us are not taking advantage of these opportunities. I’ll be the first one to admit that the educational system has flaws, but you have to be in the system in order to fix the system. You can’t fix it from the outside.
P.S.: If you need a reminder about the power of education, see this earlier post.
Finally, let me leave you with this quote from Marian Wright Edelman: Education is for improving the lives of others and for leaving your community and world better than you found it.
Informal education can be absorbed from what you learn from reading, tasting, seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, experiencing and so on. It is not based on academics or what you learn in school. How you "read" people, your sense of discernment, your "sixth sense"--these are all examples of informal education. Sometimes we discount informal education and dismiss it, but our elders know the value of "common sense" as it is often known. Good old fashioned common sense can help you make thoughtful decisions that may benefit you and perhaps your larger community. In fact, informal education can be the thing that whets your appetite for learning. In many ways, it works in tandem with formal education.
As for formal education, the benefits can be endless. You can learn about other cultures, expand your mind, earn degrees, be granted titles, secure licensing and increase your earning potential. The process of participating in formal education allows you to interact with different people and maybe even travel the world. With rates of high joblessness, many of us may not see the benefit of getting into debt to get an education. The possibility of not getting a job is cause for alarm, but it still stands that you have a greater chance of getting a job if you have a college degree. But let me give you a piece of advice--try to do something that you love.
Another key element in formal education is developing critical thinking skills based on inquiry (asking questions), analysis (interpreting information) and synthesis (combining findings into intelligent output). Being able to converse in an educated manner is an underestimated skill. Engaging in an intelligent exchange of ideas with equally yoked peers is something to behold. Trust me.
Considering this, a high premium is placed on education. Or rather, there should be. Unfortunately, in many segments of our community, when we pursue degrees, we are considered as sellouts. But it’s never the people who have made it who promote this notion. It’s the folks who feel disconnected and disenfranchised from traditional means of education. Listen, education is no free ticket to financial wealth or the answer to all things. However, the pursuit of intellectualism is a lost art. There are plenty of educated fools in this world. Learning for knowledge’s sake, needs to be brought back to the center of our culture. We need to recognize that folks DIED for the right to get an education and far too many of us are not taking advantage of these opportunities. I’ll be the first one to admit that the educational system has flaws, but you have to be in the system in order to fix the system. You can’t fix it from the outside.
P.S.: If you need a reminder about the power of education, see this earlier post.
Finally, let me leave you with this quote from Marian Wright Edelman: Education is for improving the lives of others and for leaving your community and world better than you found it.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Every Little Step You Take...
For so long, I have been struggling with losing weight. I make plans to work out or to eat better and as soon as something happens, my plans get put on the back burner. But guess what? I've found a way to lose some weight quickly: forgiveness. What? You thought this was a post about weight loss, didn't you? Theoretically it is...old grudges and past gripes were adding unnecessary stress to my already over stressed life. Old grudges and past gripes were adding pounds to the proverbial albatross around my neck, monkey on my back and pain in my ____. For all my talk about positive living, I had been holding on to some past hurts that people had done, things that wounded me to my core. But guess what? Me holding on to anger and ill will wasn't hurting them...IT WAS HURTING ME!! The person I loved beyond all things (myself) was the one who carried the burden of others' transgressions.
I had been done wrong by a few people (some who had apologized, mind you), but I couldn't move past their actions: "hmmph, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not gonna forget." However, I didn't truly forgive them. I held on to my hurt feelings, bruised ego, foolish pride (whatever you want to call it) and waited for them to try something again. Because you know I was ready, hand on hip, neck roll waiting..."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But see, I didn't understand that if you anger me, you can control me. Simple as that. If you anger me, you CONTROL me. I don't like the idea of someone's actions dictating my own. It's as if I'm being pulled by strings and you are the puppeteer. I don't like that at all.
Anytime I would get angry, I would add someone to the LIST. I would silently check off his/her latest wrong and file it later for instant recall. I know better than that, but I'm a fool when I get mad. In fact, the Tazmanian devil could take pointers on destruction from me. That's why I work so hard on myself because I don't want to take it here. Seriously.
Although I knew that I needed to free myself from the hurtful effects of holding on to anger, I still had to deal with handling folks who had done me wrong. I have truly come to understand that because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to deal with you. I can forgive you and keep it moving. Forgiveness and closeness are not one and the same. I don't have to let you into my personal space because I have forgiven your actions. Forgiveness simply means that I am not going to let you or your mess live rent free in my head. Forgiveness can mean that you give someone a second chance to prove him/herself. That's your personal choice. And it is YOUR choice. You can forgive someone you may never see again. Child's father left you and the baby...forgive him. Mother abandoned you as a child...forgive her. People mistreating you at work...forgive them. That's just my story. Forgiving them makes me a better person. I may never have a chance to sit down with all of the folks who do/ have done me wrong, but I release them. True forgiveness rids your soul, spirit, heart, mind and body of the toxic residue of someone's misdeeds. And you know what? Sometimes you have to forgive yourself from bad decisions you've made. Forgiveness is a universal action and you can employ it externally and internally.
Try this: compile a list of people you feel have done you wrong. Next to their names, write down how you think they've done you wrong. Marinate on the list. Read it over again. Then put it down. Stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale. And repeat these words:
Today I am freeing myself from the burden of your indiscretions, your misdeeds and/or your faulty actions. Today I am reclaiming my heart, my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body and myself. Today I am stepping into the greatness that has been claimed for my life. Today I am healing myself from yesterday's pain so that I can live tomorrow's promise. I release all fear, anger, hurt, sadness, disrespect and hate into a black hole in the universe and I ask that in its place confidence, intelligence, joy, knowledge, respect, patience and love be restored. Forgiveness is mine to give and so it is granted
Take another deep breath and repeat as necessary. When it sinks in, TEAR THE LIST UP!!! Take another deep breath and exhale again. Soon you will believe your words and you will be better for it. Peace.
"Get It Together" by India Arie
I had been done wrong by a few people (some who had apologized, mind you), but I couldn't move past their actions: "hmmph, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not gonna forget." However, I didn't truly forgive them. I held on to my hurt feelings, bruised ego, foolish pride (whatever you want to call it) and waited for them to try something again. Because you know I was ready, hand on hip, neck roll waiting..."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But see, I didn't understand that if you anger me, you can control me. Simple as that. If you anger me, you CONTROL me. I don't like the idea of someone's actions dictating my own. It's as if I'm being pulled by strings and you are the puppeteer. I don't like that at all.
Anytime I would get angry, I would add someone to the LIST. I would silently check off his/her latest wrong and file it later for instant recall. I know better than that, but I'm a fool when I get mad. In fact, the Tazmanian devil could take pointers on destruction from me. That's why I work so hard on myself because I don't want to take it here. Seriously.
Although I knew that I needed to free myself from the hurtful effects of holding on to anger, I still had to deal with handling folks who had done me wrong. I have truly come to understand that because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to deal with you. I can forgive you and keep it moving. Forgiveness and closeness are not one and the same. I don't have to let you into my personal space because I have forgiven your actions. Forgiveness simply means that I am not going to let you or your mess live rent free in my head. Forgiveness can mean that you give someone a second chance to prove him/herself. That's your personal choice. And it is YOUR choice. You can forgive someone you may never see again. Child's father left you and the baby...forgive him. Mother abandoned you as a child...forgive her. People mistreating you at work...forgive them. That's just my story. Forgiving them makes me a better person. I may never have a chance to sit down with all of the folks who do/ have done me wrong, but I release them. True forgiveness rids your soul, spirit, heart, mind and body of the toxic residue of someone's misdeeds. And you know what? Sometimes you have to forgive yourself from bad decisions you've made. Forgiveness is a universal action and you can employ it externally and internally.
Try this: compile a list of people you feel have done you wrong. Next to their names, write down how you think they've done you wrong. Marinate on the list. Read it over again. Then put it down. Stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale. And repeat these words:
Today I am freeing myself from the burden of your indiscretions, your misdeeds and/or your faulty actions. Today I am reclaiming my heart, my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body and myself. Today I am stepping into the greatness that has been claimed for my life. Today I am healing myself from yesterday's pain so that I can live tomorrow's promise. I release all fear, anger, hurt, sadness, disrespect and hate into a black hole in the universe and I ask that in its place confidence, intelligence, joy, knowledge, respect, patience and love be restored. Forgiveness is mine to give and so it is granted
Take another deep breath and repeat as necessary. When it sinks in, TEAR THE LIST UP!!! Take another deep breath and exhale again. Soon you will believe your words and you will be better for it. Peace.
"Get It Together" by India Arie
Sunday, August 22, 2010
It Is Truly the Little Things That Sustain Us
As I type this, it's raining outside and my family is lounging around the house in various stages of activity. I hear little people laughter, girly giggles, teen age guffaws and grown man chuckles...it's the little things...I am comforted by the sounds of my family's movement. Pages of a book are being turned and I smile knowing that my 10 year old is reading to the 3 year old. The joy of reading is being passed from one child to the next. Even when the older child admonishes the younger one about trying to tear the pages of that same book...I smile. A household hierarchy is in full effect.
This morning we relaxed in bed before coming downstairs to make breakfast together that we all shared and enjoyed...it's the little things...Although milk got spilled on the table, we were together. What a blessing!
As I type this, I have mountains of work to do to prepare for the next semester, but I can look around me and see my family: living, breathing, doing, smiling, laughing, shouting, dancing, rejoicing...it's truly the little things.
Just this morning I was sending freshly made tomato sauce to my neighbors. Sauce that I made with my children from tomatoes that were picked from my neighbors' garden...it's the little things. A small gesture of community that feeds us (literally and figuratively).
When was the last time that you stopped to enjoy the little things? Minor happenings that might otherwise be overlooked. The little things that make our hearts smile and our spirits soar. Your baby's eyelashes on your cheek, your little boy riding his bike without training wheels. Your little girl doing her first somersault. Your husband playing with the children. Your grandmother telling stories of her childhood. An unexpected card in the mail. Fresh flowers on the table. A kind word. A warm smile...the little things. For it truly is the little things that sustain us and help us grow.
Peace.
India Arie "Little Things"
This morning we relaxed in bed before coming downstairs to make breakfast together that we all shared and enjoyed...it's the little things...Although milk got spilled on the table, we were together. What a blessing!
As I type this, I have mountains of work to do to prepare for the next semester, but I can look around me and see my family: living, breathing, doing, smiling, laughing, shouting, dancing, rejoicing...it's truly the little things.
Just this morning I was sending freshly made tomato sauce to my neighbors. Sauce that I made with my children from tomatoes that were picked from my neighbors' garden...it's the little things. A small gesture of community that feeds us (literally and figuratively).
When was the last time that you stopped to enjoy the little things? Minor happenings that might otherwise be overlooked. The little things that make our hearts smile and our spirits soar. Your baby's eyelashes on your cheek, your little boy riding his bike without training wheels. Your little girl doing her first somersault. Your husband playing with the children. Your grandmother telling stories of her childhood. An unexpected card in the mail. Fresh flowers on the table. A kind word. A warm smile...the little things. For it truly is the little things that sustain us and help us grow.
Peace.
India Arie "Little Things"
Monday, August 16, 2010
Living Your Life...
Too many of us toil away at our daily chores without stopping to enjoy the little things. We work to pay bills and to buy more things, but how many of us really enjoy the lives we've created for ourselves? If you could get a redo, what would you change about your choices? Would you do anything differently? Would you change the things you value and the people you've given your heart to? Although you can't go back in time to correct any of the missteps you might have taken, trust that each new day offers a chance for a do over.
Have you always wanted to go back to school, but were too afraid? Wanted to change careers, but your loved ones told you that you were crazy? Have you ever wanted to step outside of how people know you to be, but worried what they would think? Now is the time to reclaim your right to be satisfied and ignore the naysayers.
Each morning, you can reevaluate the path that your life can take. If there is something inside of you that yearns for another experience, what are you doing to speak to that longing? I don't mean making foolish decisions without regard to their implications; I'm speaking to diligent planning and purposeful action. This can lead you to the life you want; not just the one you have.
As you move forward in your life and look to the next chapters, I wish that you can unlock the secret that will lead you to your golden existence. Living your life like it's golden doesn't mean living a life that is perfect. It means simply carving out a life that is perfect FOR YOU. Of course you're going to have to make compromises and sacrifices, but what you compromise or sacrifice should be on your terms. You deserve happiness, joy and a golden existence...Peace.
Jill Scott "Golden"
Have you always wanted to go back to school, but were too afraid? Wanted to change careers, but your loved ones told you that you were crazy? Have you ever wanted to step outside of how people know you to be, but worried what they would think? Now is the time to reclaim your right to be satisfied and ignore the naysayers.
Each morning, you can reevaluate the path that your life can take. If there is something inside of you that yearns for another experience, what are you doing to speak to that longing? I don't mean making foolish decisions without regard to their implications; I'm speaking to diligent planning and purposeful action. This can lead you to the life you want; not just the one you have.
As you move forward in your life and look to the next chapters, I wish that you can unlock the secret that will lead you to your golden existence. Living your life like it's golden doesn't mean living a life that is perfect. It means simply carving out a life that is perfect FOR YOU. Of course you're going to have to make compromises and sacrifices, but what you compromise or sacrifice should be on your terms. You deserve happiness, joy and a golden existence...Peace.
Jill Scott "Golden"
Thursday, August 12, 2010
From the Soul: Of Caged Birds and Longing
Sometimes a poem can speak to you in ways that prose cannot. I've already professed my love for the great Maya Angelou here and here. Today, I thought her words would be a wonderful lift for a sagging spirit. There are times when we feel as if we are trapped and don't know how to get back on track. We get overwhelmed by our daily lives and toil in misery and sorrow: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." However, we must recognize that with each new day, there is the possibility of something greater, of something more suited to the destiny that we were intended to meet:
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou
The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill, for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Here is a poem called "Sympathy" by Paul Laurence Dunbar which was published in 1899. This work inspired the poem you have just read by Maya Angelou. Enjoy:
Sympathy
by Paul Laurence Dunbar
I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!
I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!
I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!
Poems courtesy of poemhunter.com
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou
The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill, for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Here is a poem called "Sympathy" by Paul Laurence Dunbar which was published in 1899. This work inspired the poem you have just read by Maya Angelou. Enjoy:
Sympathy
by Paul Laurence Dunbar
I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!
I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!
I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!
Poems courtesy of poemhunter.com
Monday, August 9, 2010
Soundtrack to My Life (Part 1)
Soundtracks are added to movies to enhance the main story or even, at times, to tell the story. If your life is an ever developing movie, what are the songs that are on your soundtrack up until this point? Here are a few of the songs that I would add to my soundtrack(in no particular order):
"We Are Family" by Sister Sledge (because I LOVE my family):
"My Life" by Mary J. Blige...(this song speaks to my experience on so many levels, as she says, "if you look at my life, you'll see what I've seen." That gets me every. single. time.):
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson on Motown 25 (loved the man and the music...RIP MJ):
"Eric B. is President" by Eric B. and Rakim...(rap music was everything while I was growing up. This song takes me back to Saturday nights at the rollerskating rink doing the wop):
"To Zion" by Lauryn Hill (I was a young mother and some were disappointed in me, but I knew that my unborn child held a world of promise...I was right):
What a walk down Memory Lane!! This is just the beginning of my list. I hope you enjoyed my selections. Watch this space for more soundtracks.
"We Are Family" by Sister Sledge (because I LOVE my family):
"My Life" by Mary J. Blige...(this song speaks to my experience on so many levels, as she says, "if you look at my life, you'll see what I've seen." That gets me every. single. time.):
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson on Motown 25 (loved the man and the music...RIP MJ):
"Eric B. is President" by Eric B. and Rakim...(rap music was everything while I was growing up. This song takes me back to Saturday nights at the rollerskating rink doing the wop):
"To Zion" by Lauryn Hill (I was a young mother and some were disappointed in me, but I knew that my unborn child held a world of promise...I was right):
What a walk down Memory Lane!! This is just the beginning of my list. I hope you enjoyed my selections. Watch this space for more soundtracks.
Soul Food: Words for Your Soul
The following quote is one that sustains me in some of my most uncertain moments. Although it is often attributed to Nelson Mandela (the great), it is from a book written by Marianne Williamson What are some of the tried and true motivational words that help you get over? What are some of the passages that you turn to in times of self-doubt or in moments of turmoil? Hopefully, the following words will be added to your list of comforting phrases.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Conquering fear is an important first step in making our dreams come true. I actually addressed this topic in a past blog post.
Here's to a Happy Day and hoping that you let the best of yourself shine today.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Conquering fear is an important first step in making our dreams come true. I actually addressed this topic in a past blog post.
Here's to a Happy Day and hoping that you let the best of yourself shine today.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
That's What Friends Are For...
Friendships are an often studied and discussed topic. They are the subject of movies, books, poems, plays, and songs. In fact, one of my favorite rap songs addressing the issue of friends is by the legendary group Whodini. In their hip hop classic, "Friends", they address their opinions about friends:
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Ones we can depend on?
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Before we go any further, lets be...
Friends is a word we use everyday;
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up, again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends
Although the dictionary strives to give a usable definition for the word friend, it can't properly define what a good friend is. As Whodini goes on to say, "a friend is somebody you judge for yourself." Each friendship has its own requirements to be satisfying and each person may require different things from different friends.
Do you have a crew of folks that you can count on when the going gets tough or do you have just one true blue dyed in the wool friend? Do you still hang with the folks you grew up with or is your current inner circle made up of people from college or your career? In many ways, it doesn't even matter when or how you met your friends. It is more important that you have relationships that sustain you. However, you must realize that friendship is a two way street. Reciprocity should be the main objective when working towards a relationship that strives to be mutually satisfying. With that in mind, ask yourself if you are a good friend. Are you tending to your friendships with care and concern? Do you treat your friends with the same consideration that you want to be shown?
How do you learn to be a good friend? I have found that the most important things for maintaining good friendships are to avoid toxic people and to avoid being a toxic person. All relationship come with a level of complexity, but complexity doesn't equal conflict. One of the things that we do sometimes is to surround ourselves only with people who are just like us. What fun is that? While there is definitely comfort in dealing with the familiar, it is a wonderful thing to be able to learn and grow from your friendship.
If you are struggling in your relationships with your friends, perhaps it is time to reevaluate them. There is an often repeated adage that "you don't have to change friends if you realize that friends change." This is true to a certain extent; perhaps your friendships just need to be redefined. I believe that everyone can benefit from at least one solid and supportive friend. Unfortunately, social networking sites have taken the word "friend" to a new level where any random stranger can automatically be added to your inner circle as a "friend."
The challenge is that in order to get a good friend, you must be a good friend. As our lives get busier, it is sometimes hard to maintain the level of contact that you once had with your friends. I know that in my own life, I haven't had a chance to sit down with some of my closest friends in the ways that I want--I am working on that now. However, as we all know, the best friendships are the ones that pick right back up whenever you talk like no time was ever missed. I have been blessed with a wonderfully diverse crew of friends who are like family to me. My life is enriched by the fact that I have friends who serve different roles in my life and allow me to serve many roles in their lives as well. To my friends, in the words of the Golden Girls theme song: "thank you for being a friend." Open your heart to the possibilities that a strong friendship can offer and enjoy the richness that fully fleshed out friendships can bring.
"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and Friends
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Ones we can depend on?
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Before we go any further, lets be...
Friends is a word we use everyday;
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up, again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends
Although the dictionary strives to give a usable definition for the word friend, it can't properly define what a good friend is. As Whodini goes on to say, "a friend is somebody you judge for yourself." Each friendship has its own requirements to be satisfying and each person may require different things from different friends.
Do you have a crew of folks that you can count on when the going gets tough or do you have just one true blue dyed in the wool friend? Do you still hang with the folks you grew up with or is your current inner circle made up of people from college or your career? In many ways, it doesn't even matter when or how you met your friends. It is more important that you have relationships that sustain you. However, you must realize that friendship is a two way street. Reciprocity should be the main objective when working towards a relationship that strives to be mutually satisfying. With that in mind, ask yourself if you are a good friend. Are you tending to your friendships with care and concern? Do you treat your friends with the same consideration that you want to be shown?
How do you learn to be a good friend? I have found that the most important things for maintaining good friendships are to avoid toxic people and to avoid being a toxic person. All relationship come with a level of complexity, but complexity doesn't equal conflict. One of the things that we do sometimes is to surround ourselves only with people who are just like us. What fun is that? While there is definitely comfort in dealing with the familiar, it is a wonderful thing to be able to learn and grow from your friendship.
If you are struggling in your relationships with your friends, perhaps it is time to reevaluate them. There is an often repeated adage that "you don't have to change friends if you realize that friends change." This is true to a certain extent; perhaps your friendships just need to be redefined. I believe that everyone can benefit from at least one solid and supportive friend. Unfortunately, social networking sites have taken the word "friend" to a new level where any random stranger can automatically be added to your inner circle as a "friend."
The challenge is that in order to get a good friend, you must be a good friend. As our lives get busier, it is sometimes hard to maintain the level of contact that you once had with your friends. I know that in my own life, I haven't had a chance to sit down with some of my closest friends in the ways that I want--I am working on that now. However, as we all know, the best friendships are the ones that pick right back up whenever you talk like no time was ever missed. I have been blessed with a wonderfully diverse crew of friends who are like family to me. My life is enriched by the fact that I have friends who serve different roles in my life and allow me to serve many roles in their lives as well. To my friends, in the words of the Golden Girls theme song: "thank you for being a friend." Open your heart to the possibilities that a strong friendship can offer and enjoy the richness that fully fleshed out friendships can bring.
"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and Friends
Monday, August 2, 2010
Purposeful Expression
As we get to be a more technologically savvy society, we forget how to connect to/with people. I remember someone telling me that can they spend hours talking to their friends via Facebook or that they would often text their friends when they were in the same room. However, when the gadgets were removed, they would have nothing to talk about. How sad is that? You can communicate through an online or electronic persona, but you can’t establish a connection face to face. That’s a poor reflection on us as a people.
Sadly, folks have begun to misuse online and electronic communication. Affairs are planned via Facebook; naked pictures are sent via text messages. We say and do things electronically that we would NEVER do in real life. We actually start to believe our own contrived hype (cue Public Enemy). We hide behind deceptive personas and express ourselves in ways that are not authentic. That is a bad move!! You need to be mindful of the ways that you exchange information and present your ideas to the larger world because whether you want to believe it or not, much of what we say or do is being observed.
I remember my grandmother telling me that “the walls have eyes and ears.” As a child, I always felt that I had to be on my best behavior or risk being ratted out by my surroundings. I never wanted anyone to see me disrespecting myself or others. In addition to my grandmother's words, an oft repeated piece of old school advice is “what you do in the dark, will come to the light.” In this age of YouTube videos and cell phone cameras, at anytime you could be filmed in a compromising situation.
Therefore, in order to build a more purposeful existence, you must be diligent about what you say and what you do. You must endeavor to have your character (who you are on the inside) and your reputation (who folks know you to be on the outside) be in sync. The internal you and the external you must be one and the same. Are you defining yourself with purpose? Are you defining yourself through purposeful expression?
Sadly, folks have begun to misuse online and electronic communication. Affairs are planned via Facebook; naked pictures are sent via text messages. We say and do things electronically that we would NEVER do in real life. We actually start to believe our own contrived hype (cue Public Enemy). We hide behind deceptive personas and express ourselves in ways that are not authentic. That is a bad move!! You need to be mindful of the ways that you exchange information and present your ideas to the larger world because whether you want to believe it or not, much of what we say or do is being observed.
I remember my grandmother telling me that “the walls have eyes and ears.” As a child, I always felt that I had to be on my best behavior or risk being ratted out by my surroundings. I never wanted anyone to see me disrespecting myself or others. In addition to my grandmother's words, an oft repeated piece of old school advice is “what you do in the dark, will come to the light.” In this age of YouTube videos and cell phone cameras, at anytime you could be filmed in a compromising situation.
Therefore, in order to build a more purposeful existence, you must be diligent about what you say and what you do. You must endeavor to have your character (who you are on the inside) and your reputation (who folks know you to be on the outside) be in sync. The internal you and the external you must be one and the same. Are you defining yourself with purpose? Are you defining yourself through purposeful expression?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday Flirt: Are You Ready For Love?
Are YOU ready for love? Have you taken inventory of all of the qualifications that you want in a mate? Done a checklist about all of the things it will take to win your heart? Have you written it down? Prayed over it? Memorized it? Good, now that's the easy part. Yup, as hard as it may have been to streamline your list, you are not even half way there yet. Why? Well, because the law of attraction states that YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU PROJECT. So considering that, it doesn't matter what you say you want if you are not prepared to attract what you want. That is not an external process; it's an internal one.
You have to do the excavation work to get to your core to find out who you are and what you deserve. You have to tear off all of your layers and be your most organic, authentic self. Are you prideful? Work on it! Are you selfish? Deal with it! Are you mean? Get it together! You can't say you want someone who is funny if you won't laugh out loud; you can't say you want someone who selfless and you won't share anything you have. It doesn't work like that because the law of attraction says that you draw to you who you are.
Someone is reading this post and saying, "Not me! I have __________ and ___________. And everyone who knows me says that I am the __________________ person they know. And I keep meeting people who are not worthy of my time." I'm sure that there is some truth to that, but consider this: if a person is not worth your time, why are you letting him/her take up your valuable time? Seriously, if someone is not up to your standards, why would you waste both of your time? If you go to a store looking for an item of clothing, would you purchase something that didn't fit (well, some people might, but that's a different post for a different day)? If you went to a restaurant, would you be satisfied if they put your meal on a garbage can lid (Cosby Show reference) and served it to you? Probably not, so why would you allow someone to occupy your heart, mind, body and/or soul who doesn't fit? Then when it doesn't work out or end in your favor you get upset, when you should have seen it coming all along. See, this harkens back to self-awareness and self-appreciation: you won't allow anyone who can't add to you, subtract from you. I'm not talking about at work or at school or anywhere where you have to interact with less than desirable folks. I'm talking about your own personal and valuable space, where only you get to hand out the VIP cards and NO ONE can tell you who to allow at your heart's table.
Are you ready for love? Have you done the work on yourself to attract someone who is suitable and deserving of your time? Have you made a commitment to deal only with folks who serve to better you and would have you do the same (See my last post on being loved...the right way)? Moving forward, be more selective about the people you let into your space. After clearing away the clutter or debris in your heart, mind, body and/or soul, you will find true love--even if it's only with yourself!
India Arie "I Am Ready For Love"
You have to do the excavation work to get to your core to find out who you are and what you deserve. You have to tear off all of your layers and be your most organic, authentic self. Are you prideful? Work on it! Are you selfish? Deal with it! Are you mean? Get it together! You can't say you want someone who is funny if you won't laugh out loud; you can't say you want someone who selfless and you won't share anything you have. It doesn't work like that because the law of attraction says that you draw to you who you are.
Someone is reading this post and saying, "Not me! I have __________ and ___________. And everyone who knows me says that I am the __________________ person they know. And I keep meeting people who are not worthy of my time." I'm sure that there is some truth to that, but consider this: if a person is not worth your time, why are you letting him/her take up your valuable time? Seriously, if someone is not up to your standards, why would you waste both of your time? If you go to a store looking for an item of clothing, would you purchase something that didn't fit (well, some people might, but that's a different post for a different day)? If you went to a restaurant, would you be satisfied if they put your meal on a garbage can lid (Cosby Show reference) and served it to you? Probably not, so why would you allow someone to occupy your heart, mind, body and/or soul who doesn't fit? Then when it doesn't work out or end in your favor you get upset, when you should have seen it coming all along. See, this harkens back to self-awareness and self-appreciation: you won't allow anyone who can't add to you, subtract from you. I'm not talking about at work or at school or anywhere where you have to interact with less than desirable folks. I'm talking about your own personal and valuable space, where only you get to hand out the VIP cards and NO ONE can tell you who to allow at your heart's table.
Are you ready for love? Have you done the work on yourself to attract someone who is suitable and deserving of your time? Have you made a commitment to deal only with folks who serve to better you and would have you do the same (See my last post on being loved...the right way)? Moving forward, be more selective about the people you let into your space. After clearing away the clutter or debris in your heart, mind, body and/or soul, you will find true love--even if it's only with yourself!
India Arie "I Am Ready For Love"
Monday, July 26, 2010
I Want You...The Right Way
"I want you...the right way...", so sings Marvin Gaye in his pleading love song "I Want You." These are very important words: "the right way", because they signify something that is not just a fleshly desire, but an understanding of good old fashioned love. "I want you...the right way"--not just any old kind of way, but a special kind of way. His want has standards and is not your garden variety want. He is saying that he is looking for reciprocity in his love and wants to receive as good as he is willing to give. (Lyrics here)
When was the last time you professed your love to someone? Seriously. And not just in a subliminal "sorta kinda" way. Remember in elementary school when we put our feelings out there? When we secretly passed notes with "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes or No." The more patient of us might have added a "maybe", just in case our intended was undecided. However, as we get older, we don't necessarily want to be upfront with our want. I want you. Seemingly simple, but within that short phrase is an air of vulnerability. Are you willing to take the risk? Maybe some of us have experienced an unrequited love that has left us questioning our suitability for a relationship. And that fear may get in the way of us being able to reveal our hearts to another.
How many of you have standards about what you will and will not accept in your romantic relationships? Or do you just take what you can get? Putting your feelings out there can be risky, but, oh the benefits of a good response to your desire. This is not just for single folks either, because the committed couples and married folks have to make sure that they are not taking each other for granted. Expressing your desire or want can be a wonderful way to jump start a relationship. The right way.
Marvin Gaye "I Want You" (The classic)
Erykah Badu "I Want You" (another take on expressing desire...)
When was the last time you professed your love to someone? Seriously. And not just in a subliminal "sorta kinda" way. Remember in elementary school when we put our feelings out there? When we secretly passed notes with "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes or No." The more patient of us might have added a "maybe", just in case our intended was undecided. However, as we get older, we don't necessarily want to be upfront with our want. I want you. Seemingly simple, but within that short phrase is an air of vulnerability. Are you willing to take the risk? Maybe some of us have experienced an unrequited love that has left us questioning our suitability for a relationship. And that fear may get in the way of us being able to reveal our hearts to another.
How many of you have standards about what you will and will not accept in your romantic relationships? Or do you just take what you can get? Putting your feelings out there can be risky, but, oh the benefits of a good response to your desire. This is not just for single folks either, because the committed couples and married folks have to make sure that they are not taking each other for granted. Expressing your desire or want can be a wonderful way to jump start a relationship. The right way.
Marvin Gaye "I Want You" (The classic)
Erykah Badu "I Want You" (another take on expressing desire...)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Understanding Fear: The Root and the Resolution
A friend and I recently had a conversation about overcoming fear. He wanted to do something new, but was afraid to take the essential first steps. As I tried to encourage him by speaking power into his dream, he said, "Thanks, sis. That sounds good, but I gotta make myself believe it." And then a light bulb went on...
Often when we talk about fear, we try to address the fear, to make sure that we identify what is at the root of what is holding us back. But, thanks to my friend, I know that fear, like faith, is rooted in belief...let me repeat that: FEAR, LIKE FAITH, IS ROOTED IN BELIEF. What that means simply is that we deal with fear like it is its own entity. We ask questions (valid ones, no doubt) about the who, the why, the how, the where and the what about fear. However, what we might overlook is that fear (as it relates to progress) is you believing that something isn't possible.
You want to be successful, but you are afraid to do the necessary things to make this a reality. Why? Because you believe that you don't deserve to be successful...WHAT? (I hear you yelling!!). It might seem crazy, but it is true. You have to recognize that if you believed that you deserved to be successful, your fears would be minimized if not resolved. Your belief puts you ahead of the pack because it allows you to see you as your full self.
I am not trying to tell you that being fearful is the only obstacle to achieving your dreams. I am not suggesting that fear and faith are one and the same. What I want you to take away from this is that fear is just you believing that something isn't possible for you. If you can retrain your mind to know that you deserve the best of all things, your fear can be redirected as faith. With hard work and planning, many of the things that you have identified for yourself can become a reality.
To all of you who are standing on the cusp of your dreams, please take that essential first step by believing that what you have designed can manifest itself into diligent action. And to my friend, who inspired this: when you believe, you will be unstoppable. I wish you this.
Often when we talk about fear, we try to address the fear, to make sure that we identify what is at the root of what is holding us back. But, thanks to my friend, I know that fear, like faith, is rooted in belief...let me repeat that: FEAR, LIKE FAITH, IS ROOTED IN BELIEF. What that means simply is that we deal with fear like it is its own entity. We ask questions (valid ones, no doubt) about the who, the why, the how, the where and the what about fear. However, what we might overlook is that fear (as it relates to progress) is you believing that something isn't possible.
You want to be successful, but you are afraid to do the necessary things to make this a reality. Why? Because you believe that you don't deserve to be successful...WHAT? (I hear you yelling!!). It might seem crazy, but it is true. You have to recognize that if you believed that you deserved to be successful, your fears would be minimized if not resolved. Your belief puts you ahead of the pack because it allows you to see you as your full self.
I am not trying to tell you that being fearful is the only obstacle to achieving your dreams. I am not suggesting that fear and faith are one and the same. What I want you to take away from this is that fear is just you believing that something isn't possible for you. If you can retrain your mind to know that you deserve the best of all things, your fear can be redirected as faith. With hard work and planning, many of the things that you have identified for yourself can become a reality.
To all of you who are standing on the cusp of your dreams, please take that essential first step by believing that what you have designed can manifest itself into diligent action. And to my friend, who inspired this: when you believe, you will be unstoppable. I wish you this.
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