Update: Below is the original post in its entirety. I would just like to acknowledge my husband on our anniversary. Here's to life, love and US!!!
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In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connection, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy, breathless, "do me baby, I gotta have you" way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind." In fact, "[He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
Here are a few of our favorite songs:
"Anniversary" by Tony Toni Tone (I think it's obvious why)
"If This World Were Mine" Remake by Luther Vandross and Cheryl Lynn (This was our wedding song)
"A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway (Because he always sang this to me when we first started dating)
"Kissing You" by Faith Evans (First song we kissed to)
"Where Would I Be?" by Kindred the Family Soul (Because, um, well...where would we be if we didn't have each other?)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
When I Move...You Move...
The law of reciprocity states that if I give to you, you give back to me. Although the terms are negotiable, the mutual exchange of goodwill isn't. How many of us find ourselves always giving, giving, giving? And I don't mean of just money or things, but of our energy, our time, our love, etc. When I speak of reciprocity, I'm not talking about donating to charity or volunteering for a good cause--that's your honor to be able to serve others who are in need and cannot (not will not ) help themselves. I'm talking about when you help someone and he/she is able bodied and just selfish--always (as the old folks say) "with a mouthful o' sugar and a handful o' gimme."
Do you find yourself giving to the same people over and over again with little effort on their part to reciprocate? How do you feel? Are you sick and tired of the lack of return on your output? Or do you just chalk it up to ignorance and just keep it moving? Do you find that you are the person that folks rely on to loan them money, give them rides, help plan this event or that thing, etc.? Are you often referred to as "loyal", "reliable", "dependable", "a good friend (cousin, sister, colleague...)"? But, as good as the folks on the receiving end of your kind actions think you are, do they get mad if/when you say, "no"? Hmmmm....because that is what has me thinking that your kindness (or mine) is being taken for weakness. You know why? Because it is my decision about how I want to help and if I can. It is not my responsibility to do for any able bodied being who feels entitled to my stuff. Okay?! (Insert high fives, side eyes and neck rolls for emphasis).
If I can be there all of the time for you, I expect (rightfully so), that when I am down and out you will be there to help me as well. Or if I am one of the people who never seem to need anyone because my stuff is in order, you can still show me that you appreciate me. For example: I give you rides everyday because you don't have a car or money for the bus. And you seem appreciative because I have never treated you funny or tried to hold it over your head. Now you are happy because I have done something for you. Now where does reciprocity come in? I know you don't have any money, so I am not expecting anything and it truly is my pleasure to help, but you know what? You can show me that you appreciate me by offering to babysit, making me a cake, doing my hair, anything... Because you know what? That shows me that you understand that my generosity is a choice and that even though I could be doing anything else, I am choosing to help you.
Surprisingly, we only think about reciprocity (if we think about it at all) when we navigate personal relationships, but reciprocity is key in business dealings as well. Consider this, if I am a business owner and you have supported my business, why wouldn't I give you a free ticket, a coupon or a better table at an event? If you have supported my business and you own a business, shouldn't I support yours? Because business dealings, like personal relationships are all about connections. You give a little and usually, you get a whole lot. One hand washes the other--reciprocity at its best. And it is a win-win situation.
Unfortunately, in this dog eat dog world full of "I gotta get mine" mentality, we often position ourselves as top dog or lone wolf (gotta keep the metaphor going) and because of this we lose out. Why? Well, because people need people. It's as simple as that. One day, you may need me and conversely, I may need you. And what a beautiful world when we are able to help each other out. In the end, it comes down to the golden rule: stop acting like somebody owes you something and treat folks with some reciprocity (well, maybe that's the brass rule, but you get my point). Basically, if someone has shown you a kindness, you should try to find a way to reciprocate that kindness. You know how good you feel when someone treats you with consideration, so make sure to spread that feeling to others. Peace.
"What Goes Around" by Lalah Hathaway (video stops abruptly at end, but images were so powerful, I still decided to use it...enjoy)
Do you find yourself giving to the same people over and over again with little effort on their part to reciprocate? How do you feel? Are you sick and tired of the lack of return on your output? Or do you just chalk it up to ignorance and just keep it moving? Do you find that you are the person that folks rely on to loan them money, give them rides, help plan this event or that thing, etc.? Are you often referred to as "loyal", "reliable", "dependable", "a good friend (cousin, sister, colleague...)"? But, as good as the folks on the receiving end of your kind actions think you are, do they get mad if/when you say, "no"? Hmmmm....because that is what has me thinking that your kindness (or mine) is being taken for weakness. You know why? Because it is my decision about how I want to help and if I can. It is not my responsibility to do for any able bodied being who feels entitled to my stuff. Okay?! (Insert high fives, side eyes and neck rolls for emphasis).
If I can be there all of the time for you, I expect (rightfully so), that when I am down and out you will be there to help me as well. Or if I am one of the people who never seem to need anyone because my stuff is in order, you can still show me that you appreciate me. For example: I give you rides everyday because you don't have a car or money for the bus. And you seem appreciative because I have never treated you funny or tried to hold it over your head. Now you are happy because I have done something for you. Now where does reciprocity come in? I know you don't have any money, so I am not expecting anything and it truly is my pleasure to help, but you know what? You can show me that you appreciate me by offering to babysit, making me a cake, doing my hair, anything... Because you know what? That shows me that you understand that my generosity is a choice and that even though I could be doing anything else, I am choosing to help you.
Surprisingly, we only think about reciprocity (if we think about it at all) when we navigate personal relationships, but reciprocity is key in business dealings as well. Consider this, if I am a business owner and you have supported my business, why wouldn't I give you a free ticket, a coupon or a better table at an event? If you have supported my business and you own a business, shouldn't I support yours? Because business dealings, like personal relationships are all about connections. You give a little and usually, you get a whole lot. One hand washes the other--reciprocity at its best. And it is a win-win situation.
Unfortunately, in this dog eat dog world full of "I gotta get mine" mentality, we often position ourselves as top dog or lone wolf (gotta keep the metaphor going) and because of this we lose out. Why? Well, because people need people. It's as simple as that. One day, you may need me and conversely, I may need you. And what a beautiful world when we are able to help each other out. In the end, it comes down to the golden rule: stop acting like somebody owes you something and treat folks with some reciprocity (well, maybe that's the brass rule, but you get my point). Basically, if someone has shown you a kindness, you should try to find a way to reciprocate that kindness. You know how good you feel when someone treats you with consideration, so make sure to spread that feeling to others. Peace.
"What Goes Around" by Lalah Hathaway (video stops abruptly at end, but images were so powerful, I still decided to use it...enjoy)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Easy Like...Well, Like Sunday Morning...
This morning, I had the best time waking up in my husband's arms. I rolled over into his warmth and felt his chest hairs tickle my nose. I snuggled in closer and sighed. Hello, Sunday morning...I listened and outside of our door, I heard little activity; our children were lounging, as well. Each had snuggled into a cocoon of sheets and covers. All was quiet and settled. Even our house seemed as if it had paused to enjoy the morning's stillness. The effect was calming.
Birds were chirping, but their music was muted this morning. It was a soundtrack to the day, embedded into the fiber of every movement. Each breath I took felt cleansing as if I was ridding my spirit of the toxins of the past week. Ahhh...Sunday morning. I listened to the rhythm of my husband's heartbeat and its music intertwined with the music of the birds and the movement of the clouds. With each lu-dup of his heart, I was eased into the serenity of the moment. I felt his breath tickle my ear and the birds were chirping and his heart was beating and my heart was beating and the birds were chirping and...ahhh...Sunday morning. The sun peaked in, a cloud passed by, a still wind blew and all felt right in the world. In this space, in this moment, I felt as if everything was on slow motion and I was so grateful.
Too often, in our ever busy existences, we run over the roses and don't take the time to stop and smell them. We are scheduled, I mean overscheduled to within an inch of our lives. We have so much to do and far too little time. Every hour, every minute, every second seems to belong to someone or something else and then...here comes Sunday... ahhh... A cup of tea, a folded newspaper, a morning hymn, a gentle breeze, a warm touch, a stolen glance...a Sunday morning exhale...ahhh.
Sunday morning can set the barometer for how your week will go. It can be a lazy time in bed or a rousing morning spent in a house of worship. Sunday mornings offer the promise of what the next six days of the week can be like. Sunday is not really the weekend; it is the week beginning. It is a time to plan the activity and set the tone of the upcoming days. To make your mental checks and balances about what to do as you move into the hectic activity of the work week. Some people toil on Sundays and use another day as their "Sunday." But I must admit, there is something spectacular about being in sync with the calendars of most of the people around me. I can count on our collective sighs as I languish in the solitude of Sunday...Ahhh...
Nature by India Arie
Birds were chirping, but their music was muted this morning. It was a soundtrack to the day, embedded into the fiber of every movement. Each breath I took felt cleansing as if I was ridding my spirit of the toxins of the past week. Ahhh...Sunday morning. I listened to the rhythm of my husband's heartbeat and its music intertwined with the music of the birds and the movement of the clouds. With each lu-dup of his heart, I was eased into the serenity of the moment. I felt his breath tickle my ear and the birds were chirping and his heart was beating and my heart was beating and the birds were chirping and...ahhh...Sunday morning. The sun peaked in, a cloud passed by, a still wind blew and all felt right in the world. In this space, in this moment, I felt as if everything was on slow motion and I was so grateful.
Too often, in our ever busy existences, we run over the roses and don't take the time to stop and smell them. We are scheduled, I mean overscheduled to within an inch of our lives. We have so much to do and far too little time. Every hour, every minute, every second seems to belong to someone or something else and then...here comes Sunday... ahhh... A cup of tea, a folded newspaper, a morning hymn, a gentle breeze, a warm touch, a stolen glance...a Sunday morning exhale...ahhh.
Sunday morning can set the barometer for how your week will go. It can be a lazy time in bed or a rousing morning spent in a house of worship. Sunday mornings offer the promise of what the next six days of the week can be like. Sunday is not really the weekend; it is the week beginning. It is a time to plan the activity and set the tone of the upcoming days. To make your mental checks and balances about what to do as you move into the hectic activity of the work week. Some people toil on Sundays and use another day as their "Sunday." But I must admit, there is something spectacular about being in sync with the calendars of most of the people around me. I can count on our collective sighs as I languish in the solitude of Sunday...Ahhh...
Nature by India Arie
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