It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Making Connections: Being Reunited Does Feel Good

Remember all of the friends that you made throughout your life? The ones you were born with because your family knew their families? Do you remember the ones you met in elementary school and laughed with during recess? You remember your secondary school friends? The ones you coordinated outfits with, confided in about your first love? The ones you shared all of your teenage angst, passion and joy with? Do you remember the friends you made in college? You studied together, pledged together, hung out together and made plans to be connected all your lives because you were going to take over the world together. What about your friends you met in church, summer camp or some other activity? Your work friends that you had at a previous job? What about the friends you made when your children were small? And your kids played with their kids? Remember that you had memories upon memories of the good times that you shared with these people? Remember, you would talk to these folks all.of.the.time? (Pause for a quick walk down memory lane).

It seemed that wherever you went, you met people who shared with you, who laughed with you and who were an important part of the landscape of your life. The very fabric of your life was woven together by your interactions with these special folks. You knew they looked out for you and had your back no matter what and you did the same in return. They made each moment in their presence that much better. These were the people that you felt connected in a myriad of ways with. Remember how we all thought that everyone we ever loved would be in our lives forever? Remember? Despite our best efforts, life happened and we didn't keep in touch. We moved away, we changed schools, mindsets and availability. And people who were once very important to us, somehow became memories--faded, tucked away in the recesses of our hearts and minds. Do you remember?

As I get older I find that, while I love to meet new people, I really I love the company of folks who were a part of my early years. The years when I fumbled in my quest for identity, voice and position. I find that I really need the people who loved me and poured into me. I find that I also need to make connections with people who were significant to me in different times in my life because I need those connections to help push me to the next level of my life. For real. I know that everyone didn't have beautiful people in their lives as they were growing up, but I did. And for some reason as I get older, I want to reach out to those people. I want to reconnect and become plugged back into to their worlds. I want to be a part of their lives and I want them to share my life with me. I feel like I need it--does that make any sense? There is something inexplicable that is stirring in my soul that is pulling me back to days past. Like an archeologist, I dig for the people who I believe will be important to my future.

Recently, I have been able to connect to some great childhood friends I hadn't seen in about 25 years. We reunited through Facebook. Online, we serve as each others' cheerleaders providing encouragement and cyber love often. We became a little sorority, a modern day Three Musketeers. The funny thing is, is that I knew them from different places, but they went to school together. Our connection was like a Venn diagram, but we overlapped in all the right places: we formed a new sisterhood. In fact, I saw both of them recently when they came to our hometown for visits. And you know what? It was like no time at all passed by. We laughed, talked, danced, laughed some more, reminisced and it felt just.right. Good times were had by us all.

I also reconnected with an old work friend online. We were so close at one point, but it was the same old story: our lives changed and we lost touch. I would see her once in awhile and we would promise to get together, but it never happened. Through Facebook, we got to know each other again and realized that we needed each other still. And so we hung out in person and once again, I found that we fell right back to our usual patterns. We laughed and continued a conversation we began about 10 years ago, like we never lost touch at all. It feels good to be back in each others' lives. For real.

Late last year, I also reconnected with my high school bff in person. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we remained connected via phone. And along came FB...we saw each other all the time online and I realized how much I missed her goofy face. And so we drove 10 hours to see her and when I saw her, it felt like no time had passed. Our families clicked and we laughed and laughed and...well, it was just perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I was driving home...and then the tears came. Tears of joy, tears of absence, tears of reconnection, just tears, tears, tears. And I vowed never to let that much time pass again without actually seeing my loved ones.

And recently, I reunited with a childhood cousin from my grandfather's side of the family. I spent long hours at her mother's house with her mom, aunts, uncles and my grandparents. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and didn't recognize her for the semester she was my student (crazy, right?), but from the day we met, we had a connection we couldn't identify. It was just strong. And then one day just last week, we became FB friends and realized through a set of circumstances that we were actually family!!!! What a blessing and a true gift. I had just written about my grandfather and it felt so good to be connected to his family again. And best of all, we even reunited her mother and my grandmother who are both in their 80's!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. *tears*

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone you used to know is someone you need to know. I'm just saying that sometimes we get so bogged down by life and we lose contact (through no fault of our own) with people who have been integral to our development. Technology can sometimes get in the way of real human contact, but in my case, technology was the bridge to human contact. Hurray for FB because without it, I would never have been able to reconnect with so many of the good folks in my life. I have found other former classmates, work friends and family online; it is truly remarkable and nourishes my spirit. I encourage you to try to reestablish severed ties and make your way back to the people who remember you "when". I know that my life has been enriched in indescribable ways by these reignited connections. With each reunion, I am able to give and receive love and we all could use a bit more of that. Here's wishing you find your way back to the relationships that fed your soul and that you blossom from the love you receive. Peace.

"Love Train" by the (Mighty, Mighty) O'Jays

Defining Fatherhood: A Tribute

I didn't meet my father until I was 17. Sure I heard about a man with similar coloring, the same prominent nose and identical sense of humor, but I didn't know him. I remember being at a local shopping center with my aunt. I was about 9 years old and quite impressionable. We had gone into a shoe store and upon our exit, a slim, handsome man stopped my aunt and they chatted. She tried to encourage me to speak to him, but an unfamiliar shyness took over me and I hid (inexplicably) behind her. I would later find out that that man was my father. Even though I saw him, I never considered that "meeting" him until we were formally introduced almost nine years later. Can you imagine? Being formally introduced to your father? It defies all logic.

Despite my father's absence, I grew up with a loving father figure in my house--Frank Mitchell, my grandfather. He was an old, old man from the South. He had limited education, but what he lacked in traditional schooling, he made up for with his mastery of carpentry. He also had a sharp fashion sense. Monday through Friday, he wore his uniform of tattered dungarees with a variety of holes and stains. He would have an old cap on his head, weathered boots and a red and black square carpenter's pencil tucked behind one ear. But on the weekends? He was sharp as a tack, clean as a whistle. He would get out his old fashioned shaving kit (with the soap brush and straight razor) and proceed to groom his thin mustache to perfection. He always smelled so good and his suits? They fit him to a tee. He would put on the socks that had to be held up with sock garters; his pants even had suspenders!! Well dressed, indeed. He would put on a jaunty hat and some well polished shoes and he would look more elegant than gentlemen half his age. In fact, he taught me how to tie a tie when it was in fashion for women to wear them. He scoffed when I said that I could just buy a clip on. I'm smiling now thinking of the memory.

He had one brown eye and one blue one...how that happened I never knew. He did odd jobs and carpentry work for many people in our neighborhood and beyond. I loved those odd jobs because he would always bring me little treasures: a doll, some books, etc. These weren't old things; they were new things that someone had given to him. They knew he had a granddaughter and so they gave him things for me. Another thing I remember about him is that he LOVED baseball. I mean, loved it!! He would take his old black and white portable television and sit in our enclosed side patio watching hours of games at a time. He loved to laugh and would throw his head back to reveal some empty spaces where teeth used to be. He also loved the blues. In fact, I was the only child I knew who sang blues songs like nursery rhymes. He was a flawed man (who isn't), but he never wavered in his love for me. Never. And he was a constant figure in my life. I could always count on him up until his death when I was 18. I even eulogized him at his funeral. My family still laughs about that funeral. It was wild and crazy, just like him. Just like his life.

I don't have any memories of my father. He never came to see about me or to check on me. He didn't know if I was being treated well or if I was being misused. He never came to any of my activities and never influenced me in any way. We've tried to build a relationship over the years, but we can't seem to connect in the ways that matter. I must say that he's a phenomenal father to his other children. But with me? We are like familiar strangers who struggle to find the words to say at the right times. I know it's because I hold his feet to the fire and make him accountable for his words. He resents that, but I'm grown now. I don't need him like I used to and I won't allow him to lie to me like I don't know any better. We've talked; he's promised and sadly, he's fallen short. So this year I decided to cut him out of my life for good. It's a self-preservation tactic that is my last resort to save my heart from further damage. Sad, but necessary. I don't wish him any ill and I don't harbor too much anger about his lack of presence in my life. It took me awhile to come to this decision and I really don't regret it. You know why? Because the truth is, my real father died when I was 18.

But this isn't a sad testament to Father's Day. Because of my vastly different experiences with "fathers", I want to acknowledge the father of my children, my husband. So here is an open letter to him on the day that we celebrate the fathers in our lives:

Happy Father's Day. I want to thank you for all that you have poured into our children. I love that you push them beyond the boundaries of the expectations they have for themselves. I love that you encourage artistic expressions and intellectual pursuits with equal fervor. Thank you for showing them that being there isn't enough--sharing yourself with them fully is the only way that you parent. I appreciate that you have taken my nephew into our fold and that you treat him like one of your own. And no one can tell the difference. I thank you for showing your true self (flaws and all) to our sons so they can have a model for manhood. I appreciate that you talk with our daughter about what she should expect from future suitors. I love that you enjoy these kids with everything you have, calling them "your crew" as you run rampant around the city with them in tow. I laugh just thinking about the numbers of people who say they've seen you at (insert event or location) with the kids and that you looked like you were having fun. Overall, I want to thank you for not allowing your own absentee father to turn you into a bitter, distant man who abandoned his own children. You are a man beyond measure, a father extraordinaire. Thank you for blessing our family with your love.

I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of the men who are fathers to their children or someone else's. May you enjoy all of the best that the universe has to offer. Your love and guidance will impact your children in ways that cannot be defined. Peace.

"Be a Father to Your Child" by Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs

Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

Funky, Chunky and the Rest of Those Non-Show Stopping Monkeys

* Please note that the monkeys that I am talking about are not intended to infer the racially insensitive monkey/ape references used to diminish the character of Black folks. I'm speaking to the old African proverb that directly addresses metaphorical monkeys. #sonowyouknow

Today I posted a Facebook (FB) status that included the following side note (SN): one monkey don't stop no show. This colloquial manifesto has aided many folks throughout the times to let other folks know that their actions won't deter progress. In Broadway-esque terms: the show must go on. After posting this "stat" (learn FB lingo), I was surprised at how quickly my friends "liked" my message. I got many cyber daps, fist pumps, and hallelujah hand waves (that's from the Chu'uch) in agreement. This seemingly last minute addition to my morning greeting empowered folks with its simplicity and its profundity. I know how relevant it was in my own experience, but I guess it surprised me that folks had been dealing with the same sort of inflated egos that I had been dealing with.

I am often amazed by how many adults exhibit child-like behaviors when things don't go their way. They have the equivalent of a temper tantrum by shutting you out and trying to shut you up. These are the same adults who will let you know how grown they are, but really they are too tall toddlers. Seriously...Where dey do dat at? (Translation: why do you find that behavior acceptable?) Instead of sitting down like rational beings and trying to come to a compromise, they play the victim role and try to impede your actions (Passive Aggression 101). That's not kosher. In my understanding, adults disagree. That's expected. But it's not the disagreement that's problematic; it's the way it's handled. For example: I love my husband, but we don't always have the same viewpoints on stuff and so we disagree (surprise!). But (and this is important), he's not cussing me out and I'm not cussing him out. Neither one of us is calling each other names or talking about the other's mother. You know why? Because we respect each other. However, we do disagree and then we discuss. And you know what? Most times we even come to a compromise that allows us both to protect our self-hood and be whole people. That's grown up.

Now, them showstopping monkeys? Well, they don't want to do that. Some of them cuss, scream, shout, etc. Monkeys acting like donkeys...this leaves me shaking my head. I can't stand dramatic donkey (er, um...monkey) antics. But not all monkeys act up out loud. Some of them just quit. Or try to get you to quit. Or walk away. Some of them try to interrupt your flow (and maybe even your money), by trying to pull rank and closing down shop. *Insert side-eye.* Once again, where dey do dat at? What would make someone (or several somebodies) think that they had that much power over your life or your actions? Get over yourself. Fareal fareal. And why would you even want to try to control someone with "bully-baby" strategies? It's ridiculous to the point that it's laughable. But you know what? It's actually pretty sad. You know why? Because everybody has his/her own something. We each have stuff that we are dealing with. That's the truth of the world. Now another truth is that no one wants to deal with showstopping monkeys because you can't trust their actions or reactions. I know I don't. I don't like quitters, but I can't stand emotional bullies. I don't want anyone to think that they can force my hand by trying to press my buttons. #it'snotthateasy.

See, I believe in living an untethered life. This means that I don't want to owe anybody anything. But (and this is a big but), I understand that people need people. And so I treat people the way that I want to be treated. Considering this, I learn to compromise. I learn to work in spaces that allow other people to grow and prosper. It isn't my mission to diminish or control. That's not how I live my life. I want all beings to have the right to full governance of self. Seriously. Who wants to hang with a bunch of sheep who can't make up their own minds? I don't. I love rolling with a crew of folks with sharpened minds who move in their own spaces. I love hanging with confident people who trust me enough to know that I love them even in disagreement. My loyalty isn't fickle and neither am I. Remember that you should never allow anyone's actions to dictate the framework of your existence. You are powerful in your independent thoughts and actions. You should always have a fall back plan if things fall apart. Never construct your dreams based on anyone else's definitions. And remember: one monkey don't stop no show. Peace.

Lauryn Hill "Forgive Them Father"