Every Little Step You Take...

For so long, I have been struggling with losing weight. I make plans to work out or to eat better and as soon as something happens, my plans get put on the back burner. But guess what? I've found a way to lose some weight quickly: forgiveness. What? You thought this was a post about weight loss, didn't you? Theoretically it is...old grudges and past gripes were adding unnecessary stress to my already over stressed life. Old grudges and past gripes were adding pounds to the proverbial albatross around my neck, monkey on my back and pain in my ____. For all my talk about positive living, I had been holding on to some past hurts that people had done, things that wounded me to my core. But guess what? Me holding on to anger and ill will wasn't hurting them...IT WAS HURTING ME!! The person I loved beyond all things (myself) was the one who carried the burden of others' transgressions.

I had been done wrong by a few people (some who had apologized, mind you), but I couldn't move past their actions: "hmmph, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not gonna forget." However, I didn't truly forgive them. I held on to my hurt feelings, bruised ego, foolish pride (whatever you want to call it) and waited for them to try something again. Because you know I was ready, hand on hip, neck roll waiting..."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But see, I didn't understand that if you anger me, you can control me. Simple as that. If you anger me, you CONTROL me. I don't like the idea of someone's actions dictating my own. It's as if I'm being pulled by strings and you are the puppeteer. I don't like that at all.

Anytime I would get angry, I would add someone to the LIST. I would silently check off his/her latest wrong and file it later for instant recall. I know better than that, but I'm a fool when I get mad. In fact, the Tazmanian devil could take pointers on destruction from me. That's why I work so hard on myself because I don't want to take it here. Seriously.

Although I knew that I needed to free myself from the hurtful effects of holding on to anger, I still had to deal with handling folks who had done me wrong. I have truly come to understand that because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to deal with you. I can forgive you and keep it moving. Forgiveness and closeness are not one and the same. I don't have to let you into my personal space because I have forgiven your actions. Forgiveness simply means that I am not going to let you or your mess live rent free in my head. Forgiveness can mean that you give someone a second chance to prove him/herself. That's your personal choice. And it is YOUR choice. You can forgive someone you may never see again. Child's father left you and the baby...forgive him. Mother abandoned you as a child...forgive her. People mistreating you at work...forgive them. That's just my story. Forgiving them makes me a better person. I may never have a chance to sit down with all of the folks who do/ have done me wrong, but I release them. True forgiveness rids your soul, spirit, heart, mind and body of the toxic residue of someone's misdeeds. And you know what? Sometimes you have to forgive yourself from bad decisions you've made. Forgiveness is a universal action and you can employ it externally and internally.

Try this: compile a list of people you feel have done you wrong. Next to their names, write down how you think they've done you wrong. Marinate on the list. Read it over again. Then put it down. Stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale. And repeat these words:

Today I am freeing myself from the burden of your indiscretions, your misdeeds and/or your faulty actions. Today I am reclaiming my heart, my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body and myself. Today I am stepping into the greatness that has been claimed for my life. Today I am healing myself from yesterday's pain so that I can live tomorrow's promise. I release all fear, anger, hurt, sadness, disrespect and hate into a black hole in the universe and I ask that in its place confidence, intelligence, joy, knowledge, respect, patience and love be restored. Forgiveness is mine to give and so it is granted

Take another deep breath and repeat as necessary. When it sinks in, TEAR THE LIST UP!!! Take another deep breath and exhale again. Soon you will believe your words and you will be better for it. Peace.


"Get It Together" by India Arie

It Is Truly the Little Things That Sustain Us

As I type this, it's raining outside and my family is lounging around the house in various stages of activity. I hear little people laughter, girly giggles, teen age guffaws and grown man chuckles...it's the little things...I am comforted by the sounds of my family's movement. Pages of a book are being turned and I smile knowing that my 10 year old is reading to the 3 year old. The joy of reading is being passed from one child to the next. Even when the older child admonishes the younger one about trying to tear the pages of that same book...I smile. A household hierarchy is in full effect.

This morning we relaxed in bed before coming downstairs to make breakfast together that we all shared and enjoyed...it's the little things...Although milk got spilled on the table, we were together. What a blessing!

As I type this, I have mountains of work to do to prepare for the next semester, but I can look around me and see my family: living, breathing, doing, smiling, laughing, shouting, dancing, rejoicing...it's truly the little things.

Just this morning I was sending freshly made tomato sauce to my neighbors. Sauce that I made with my children from tomatoes that were picked from my neighbors' garden...it's the little things. A small gesture of community that feeds us (literally and figuratively).

When was the last time that you stopped to enjoy the little things? Minor happenings that might otherwise be overlooked. The little things that make our hearts smile and our spirits soar. Your baby's eyelashes on your cheek, your little boy riding his bike without training wheels. Your little girl doing her first somersault. Your husband playing with the children. Your grandmother telling stories of her childhood. An unexpected card in the mail. Fresh flowers on the table. A kind word. A warm smile...the little things. For it truly is the little things that sustain us and help us grow.

Peace.


India Arie "Little Things"

Living Your Life...

Too many of us toil away at our daily chores without stopping to enjoy the little things. We work to pay bills and to buy more things, but how many of us really enjoy the lives we've created for ourselves? If you could get a redo, what would you change about your choices? Would you do anything differently? Would you change the things you value and the people you've given your heart to? Although you can't go back in time to correct any of the missteps you might have taken, trust that each new day offers a chance for a do over.

Have you always wanted to go back to school, but were too afraid? Wanted to change careers, but your loved ones told you that you were crazy? Have you ever wanted to step outside of how people know you to be, but worried what they would think? Now is the time to reclaim your right to be satisfied and ignore the naysayers.

Each morning, you can reevaluate the path that your life can take. If there is something inside of you that yearns for another experience, what are you doing to speak to that longing? I don't mean making foolish decisions without regard to their implications; I'm speaking to diligent planning and purposeful action. This can lead you to the life you want; not just the one you have.

As you move forward in your life and look to the next chapters, I wish that you can unlock the secret that will lead you to your golden existence. Living your life like it's golden doesn't mean living a life that is perfect. It means simply carving out a life that is perfect FOR YOU. Of course you're going to have to make compromises and sacrifices, but what you compromise or sacrifice should be on your terms. You deserve happiness, joy and a golden existence...Peace.


Jill Scott "Golden"

From the Soul: Of Caged Birds and Longing

Sometimes a poem can speak to you in ways that prose cannot. I've already professed my love for the great Maya Angelou here and here. Today, I thought her words would be a wonderful lift for a sagging spirit. There are times when we feel as if we are trapped and don't know how to get back on track. We get overwhelmed by our daily lives and toil in misery and sorrow: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." However, we must recognize that with each new day, there is the possibility of something greater, of something more suited to the destiny that we were intended to meet:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill, for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Here is a poem called "Sympathy" by Paul Laurence Dunbar which was published in 1899. This work inspired the poem you have just read by Maya Angelou. Enjoy:

Sympathy
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!

Poems courtesy of poemhunter.com

Soundtrack to My Life (Part 1)

Soundtracks are added to movies to enhance the main story or even, at times, to tell the story. If your life is an ever developing movie, what are the songs that are on your soundtrack up until this point? Here are a few of the songs that I would add to my soundtrack(in no particular order):

"We Are Family" by Sister Sledge (because I LOVE my family):




"My Life" by Mary J. Blige...(this song speaks to my experience on so many levels, as she says, "if you look at my life, you'll see what I've seen." That gets me every. single. time.):




"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson on Motown 25 (loved the man and the music...RIP MJ):




"Eric B. is President" by Eric B. and Rakim...(rap music was everything while I was growing up. This song takes me back to Saturday nights at the rollerskating rink doing the wop):




"To Zion" by Lauryn Hill (I was a young mother and some were disappointed in me, but I knew that my unborn child held a world of promise...I was right):



What a walk down Memory Lane!! This is just the beginning of my list. I hope you enjoyed my selections. Watch this space for more soundtracks.

Soul Food: Words for Your Soul

The following quote is one that sustains me in some of my most uncertain moments. Although it is often attributed to Nelson Mandela (the great), it is from a book written by Marianne Williamson What are some of the tried and true motivational words that help you get over? What are some of the passages that you turn to in times of self-doubt or in moments of turmoil? Hopefully, the following words will be added to your list of comforting phrases.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Conquering fear is an important first step in making our dreams come true. I actually addressed this topic in a past blog post.

Here's to a Happy Day and hoping that you let the best of yourself shine today.

That's What Friends Are For...

Friendships are an often studied and discussed topic. They are the subject of movies, books, poems, plays, and songs. In fact, one of my favorite rap songs addressing the issue of friends is by the legendary group Whodini. In their hip hop classic, "Friends", they address their opinions about friends:

Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Ones we can depend on?
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Before we go any further, lets be...

Friends is a word we use everyday;
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up, again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends

Although the dictionary strives to give a usable definition for the word friend, it can't properly define what a good friend is. As Whodini goes on to say, "a friend is somebody you judge for yourself." Each friendship has its own requirements to be satisfying and each person may require different things from different friends.

Do you have a crew of folks that you can count on when the going gets tough or do you have just one true blue dyed in the wool friend? Do you still hang with the folks you grew up with or is your current inner circle made up of people from college or your career? In many ways, it doesn't even matter when or how you met your friends. It is more important that you have relationships that sustain you. However, you must realize that friendship is a two way street. Reciprocity should be the main objective when working towards a relationship that strives to be mutually satisfying. With that in mind, ask yourself if you are a good friend. Are you tending to your friendships with care and concern? Do you treat your friends with the same consideration that you want to be shown?

How do you learn to be a good friend? I have found that the most important things for maintaining good friendships are to avoid toxic people and to avoid being a toxic person. All relationship come with a level of complexity, but complexity doesn't equal conflict. One of the things that we do sometimes is to surround ourselves only with people who are just like us. What fun is that? While there is definitely comfort in dealing with the familiar, it is a wonderful thing to be able to learn and grow from your friendship.

If you are struggling in your relationships with your friends, perhaps it is time to reevaluate them. There is an often repeated adage that "you don't have to change friends if you realize that friends change." This is true to a certain extent; perhaps your friendships just need to be redefined. I believe that everyone can benefit from at least one solid and supportive friend. Unfortunately, social networking sites have taken the word "friend" to a new level where any random stranger can automatically be added to your inner circle as a "friend."

The challenge is that in order to get a good friend, you must be a good friend. As our lives get busier, it is sometimes hard to maintain the level of contact that you once had with your friends. I know that in my own life, I haven't had a chance to sit down with some of my closest friends in the ways that I want--I am working on that now. However, as we all know, the best friendships are the ones that pick right back up whenever you talk like no time was ever missed. I have been blessed with a wonderfully diverse crew of friends who are like family to me. My life is enriched by the fact that I have friends who serve different roles in my life and allow me to serve many roles in their lives as well. To my friends, in the words of the Golden Girls theme song: "thank you for being a friend." Open your heart to the possibilities that a strong friendship can offer and enjoy the richness that fully fleshed out friendships can bring.

"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and Friends

Purposeful Expression

As we get to be a more technologically savvy society, we forget how to connect to/with people. I remember someone telling me that can they spend hours talking to their friends via Facebook or that they would often text their friends when they were in the same room. However, when the gadgets were removed, they would have nothing to talk about. How sad is that? You can communicate through an online or electronic persona, but you can’t establish a connection face to face. That’s a poor reflection on us as a people.

Sadly, folks have begun to misuse online and electronic communication. Affairs are planned via Facebook; naked pictures are sent via text messages. We say and do things electronically that we would NEVER do in real life. We actually start to believe our own contrived hype (cue Public Enemy). We hide behind deceptive personas and express ourselves in ways that are not authentic. That is a bad move!! You need to be mindful of the ways that you exchange information and present your ideas to the larger world because whether you want to believe it or not, much of what we say or do is being observed.

I remember my grandmother telling me that “the walls have eyes and ears.” As a child, I always felt that I had to be on my best behavior or risk being ratted out by my surroundings. I never wanted anyone to see me disrespecting myself or others. In addition to my grandmother's words, an oft repeated piece of old school advice is “what you do in the dark, will come to the light.” In this age of YouTube videos and cell phone cameras, at anytime you could be filmed in a compromising situation.

Therefore, in order to build a more purposeful existence, you must be diligent about what you say and what you do. You must endeavor to have your character (who you are on the inside) and your reputation (who folks know you to be on the outside) be in sync. The internal you and the external you must be one and the same. Are you defining yourself with purpose? Are you defining yourself through purposeful expression?