Walking Whales and Other Mythical Creatures

So, I know you are reading this post and you think I have lost my mind. Walking whales??? Um… please tell me you are not serious…You are straight trippin’ sis… I know. I can hear y’all now, but bear with me. Pull up a seat and listen. I promise it will all come together…

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In life, we sometimes get caught up in wanting people to submit to our will. We see something in them that we deem needs fixing and we expect them to do what we want, when we want it. We expect them to bend to our request no matter what they have going on in their own lives. We hold our expectations over their heads and get upset when they don’t get with the program, so to speak. We may nag, cajole, gloat, and/or condemn all in the name of “so-called” betterment. We lull ourselves into a false sense of “know it all/fix it all” – ness and truly believe we know what’s best for others.

Or we are in a relationship with someone who is “difficult.” This relationship can be platonic or romantic; professional or familial…it doesn’t even matter. But what does matter is that we are emotionally invested in how this other person may behave. Their actions directly impact ours and we are not comfortable with the way that he or she “is.” We get ourselves worked up every time this person does thing A or thing B; we get beside ourselves with every unpleasant emotion one could muster up. We contort ourselves into emotional knots trying to get them to “get it together.” But the funny thing is, this person’s actions are controlling us (intentionally or unintentionally). We are all out of control trying to be in control. They are busy being them, but we want them to be who we want them to be.

That my dear, is trying to make a whale walk. When we involve ourselves in negative self-talk that tells us that we have the right to control someone else’s actions, we want something that goes against everything that we have been shown. People will show you how they are. Time and time again. But even the best of us wants something different than we are shown, particularly if we believe we deserve better. That the person should be better. That they should just listen to us. That, that, that… It doesn’t matter what YOU want. Trust and believe. People are going to people (yes, people is a verb… go with it). Your role in this isn’t to change someone else’s behaviors, but to change your expectations.

When you want the whale to walk, you are expecting something that goes against nature. You want something that is virtually impossible to happen simply because you want it. When you want the whale to walk, you suggest that your desire overrides the natural order of a thing’s existence. You can yell, you can scream, you can beg, you can cry… but guess what? The only walking whales are make-believe.

In order to free yourself from a murky entanglement, you must accept that certain people are going to do what they always do. Certain people are going to do what that have always done. Sure, people change and that is great. But I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about the ones who are on a path that is truly their own. Good, bad, or indifferent. It doesn’t matter. People have the right to people.

At the end of the day, the path that you are on is one that is based on your actions. You must make a conscious decision to live your best life. To be aware of people and their actions, but not give up your control. You own you. You control you. Once you give up your power, all is lost. So my advice to you is to accept things how they are. Understand what they may be. But never ever convince yourself that your desires are more important to other people than their own reality. Peace.

Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

Representing Character or Are You Who You Say You Are?

A friend of mine often posts on FB regarding the difference between Character and Reputation: "Your reputation is what other people think of you; your character is who you really are.” And then she takes it one step further, "Would your character and your reputation recognize each other if they met on the street?" WHOA!!! Now, that's some deep stuff for your mind! Think about it: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are? That might need repeating: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are?

Too often, many of us get caught up in trying to be something that we aren't. We portray ourselves to believe in this or to believe in that. When all the while, we are lying to ourselves and to others. We might believe in one thing, but we do something else entirely. We have adopted personas to fit with whatever others see as acceptable. These social masks get in the way of how we deal with others and sadly, how we deal with ourselves. Sometimes, in private, we do things that we publicly condemn (insert side eye). Sometimes, we engage in discussions or actions that we have stated that we abhor. Sometimes, not all the time. But once in awhile is enough to change who you proclaim to be. Now, make no mistake. I'm not talking about knowing how to behave in different situations and adjusting your behaviors accordingly. That's grown up and indicates a certain level of understanding. No, I'm talking about those folks who talk out of both sides of their mouths, who would have you believe that they are upright, solid and stable, but in the dark...baybeeee, they are a whole 'nuther animal. Fareal.

We see the duplicitous actions of many folks whenever we look at the news. Anti-gay, homophobic ministers caught engaging in homosexual actions. We see police officers who break the laws they have sworn to uphold; teachers sleeping with their students; bankers stealing money from their customers and...I could go on and on. It's a shame that we have lost sight of the fundamentals of being true to oneself. If you're low down, be low down. Announce it; wear it proudly. Don't portray yourself to be good and you know you are bad--simple. I mean that. If your character is in check and your walk is the same as your talk, then you are all right with me. I like upfront people, the folks who are "straight up and down." I can't stand a double dealing, two timing, back stabbing mickey fickey at'all.

Are you who you say you are? Are your credentials in check for who you present yourself to be? Can you look yourself in the face at the end of the day and say, "I've been truthful in my actions and purposeful in my deeds?" Huh? Can you? If your friends, relatives, colleagues, associates, students, customers, whomever could see you "out of uniform" would they be surprised by your actions? Now, I'm not trying to say that we should strive to be perfect robots who never have fun. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that the core of who you are should be consistent with what/who/how you present yourself to others. You should not be caught "with your pants down" (figuratively and/or literally).

Listen, in every moment you should live out your truths. And in that living, you should be consistent in character and in reputation. You should strive to make sure that you are who you say you are. Skeletons in your closet can come back to haunt you and can ruin your life and/or the lives of others. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get this opportunity to be your best you. You don't live in a bubble or exist in a vacuum. Be sure to make your interactions with others as meaningful as possible. When you find yourself slipping, just remember to ask yourself, "Is my character in line with my reputation?" Peace.

"We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar*

(My comments: This poem represents one of the ways that our ancestors had to wear a "mask" for survival; today we have options. Let the only masks we present to the world be for the benefit of humankind and never for selfish reasons.)

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

*Poem courtesy of http://www.dunbarsite.org and image courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com.

Channeling Dr. Doolittle or Dealing With Donkeys

Ok, so before you think I have lost my mind, let me tell you who I define as "donkeys."* Donkeys (no offense to the beast of burden) are difficult people who make your life miserable for no reason AT. ALL. In other words, they're jack@sses.

No matter who you are, even the most non-judgmental of us have had to deal with so-called Donkeys. They're everywhere: at home, at school, in the workplace, at church and in the department store parking lot (to name a few areas). Their sole purpose is to permeate the air with negative energy and bad vibes. They are harbingers of doom and signal that some terrible stuff is about to go down whenever they come around. I'm serious: you've seen them, sitting somewhere looking sour, faces all screwed up, just terrible...Now, it's not my mission in life to change people (hey, you can't help folks who don't want to be helped), but I can't take the Donkeys. Fareal. Fareal.

Riddle me this: if you are miserable and unhappy within yourself, why can't you keep that to yourself? Seriously. Because Donkeys are known to be otherwise stingy with their stuff (material things, good energy), why can't they keep their att-i-tudes to themselves? I guess that sounds too much like right. Why be miserable by yourself when you can darken someone else's day? (Insert side eye and raised eyebrow here). I guess it's our own fault though. We are becoming a society that celebrates cat fights, rude behavior and adult tantrums. Why be a civilized society when we can scream, shout, bellow or yell and have that substitute for communication? Geesh, Donkeys are taking over the world.

Now as this post is about dealing with Donkeys, I should probably give you a couple of tips on how to actually deal with them:

1) My top way to deal with Donkeys is DON'T. If you can help it, avoid them at all costs. If not, they will be like the dementors in Harry Potter--they will drain your souls. So if you don't have to share air with them, keep it moving. Trust me. You're better off.

Unfortunately, there are times that you have to deal with Donkeys (see above situations), so here are some ways to handle them:

1) If you have to deal with Donkeys (like at work or for a special project), try to limit the amount of time you actually have to talk to them. When you have to talk to them, be sure that you keep it focused on the task at hand. The minute the Donkey starts to stray off topic, get him/her back on track. You don't want to encourage negative conversation, malicious gossip or plain old grumbling. Don't get sucked into becoming a member of Donkeyville because some Donkeys are charming. Before you know it, you're griping and complaining, too.

2) Tell yourself, "it's them, not me." If you have to deal with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it's them. No matter how compelling the arguments are, negative people always see the worst in things. Their rose colored glasses focus on the thorns. Don't let their visions cloud your perspective. That's just their perspectives, don't let it become yours.

After you deal with Donkeys, you probably should hug a child, follow a rainbow, pat a fluffy dog, rock in a corner (you might be traumatized, ok?)...Whatever you do, be sure to purge their negative energy to remove it from your space. Negative people are toxic. Negative energy is toxic. Run!!! You don't want to get any of that on you. You might not be able to control what people do, but you can control what you allow to reside in your spirit. Negative people are draining; they exhaust the universe with their perpetual output of venom. If you are the person that I speak of, go get some counseling. Fareal. Get that mess fixed. Stop being a super toddler and get your tantrums in check! Seriously. It ain't cute and someone should have told you about that. Stop living your life at half empty; the world is much better enjoyed half full (even when it's shaken and/or stirred).

But for the rest of us who aren't Donkeys, protect yourself when interacting with them. Remember: no matter who you have to deal with, be sure that you live a life of abundance. Recognize that there is joy in every breath and purpose in every action. Peace.

*Name calling isn't nice, but the truth is the truth. Some folks are just plain ole nasty. And calling them Donkeys is nicer than some things they can be called.

Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"

Don't Wake Me...Am I Dreaming?

In honor of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I would like to celebrate the man and his legacy by looking at where Black folks are today and examine if we have lost sight of his dream.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has cemented his place in our world as an iconic figure. His speeches, essays, sermons, testimonials, marches, movements, vigils, sit ins, all underscore his rightful place as a cultural, spiritual, religious and human rights leader. On his national holiday, I am reflecting on Dr. King's dream and its upkeep by his descendants and beneficiaries.

Although Dr. King envisioned a world where "all of God's children" would come together, I'm going to direct this post to Black folks, Negroes, Coloreds, African Americans and yes, you so called, self proclaimed "N!gg@$"--I am especially talking to you. Dr. King paid the ultimate price with his life to ensure freedoms for all mankind. He gave his life, so that we could enjoy a world without limitations, without segregation, without discrimination. He put himself in the Lion's mouth to make sure that people he would never meet would be able to move about this world without restraints and restrictions. He sacrificed himself to make sure that our people and our families would be able to move through this world as FULL beings and enjoy a world that saw us as equal citizens. And here we are more than 40 years after his death and I ask you--how are you fanning the flames of Dr. King's Dream? How are you keeping his words and life's work alive?

Let me tell you what I know for sure: there are some beautiful people in the world--in all forms. But when I look at the state of affairs in the Black community overall (and I'm gonna be real general for illustration purposes), I am saddened. Let's look at Dr. King's words and examine where we are today. Let's see how we measure up to Dr. King's Dream:

"But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition" (MLK, "I Have a Dream"). Considering where we are in 2011, do you feel as if great progress has been made since the four decades when this speech was given? While we have a Black president (he self identifies as a Black man, no discussion needed), where is our representation in Congress? What about Black owned banks? Look around your neighborhood--do you live around mostly Black, White or a mix? Look at your group of friends--are they a mixed group or do the overwhelming majority look like you? What about statistics for joblessness, homelessness, drug addiction, imprisonment, etc.? Don't look at numbers, look at percentages. How many of us are still crippled by discrimination or have we bought into the hype of the so-called Post-Racial America?

"But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force" (MLK, "I Have a Dream"). As we move forward in our quest for righteousness, we must not use violence as a tool to get ahead. In my interpretation, I must speak to the violence in our own communities. In many ways, the violence that we direct inward and to our fellow brethren is a result of the way we are positioned in society. Because we are bombarded with images of Blacks as violent, misogynistic, drug addicted, sexually promiscuous, welfare living, low moral having, gun toting, ebonics talking, hip hop listening, pants sagging, unmarried baby making, no daddy having savages, we don't always embrace the beauty of who we are. We become discouraged and this leads to self-hate which can manifest in black on black violence. The violence that MLK said was unacceptable in regards to all movements toward progress. If we are to stop the destruction of our society, we must begin internally.

And finally, "With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day" (MLK "I Have a Dream"). Faith, hope, transformation, togetherness--these are the things that we need to move forward to become better, to do better. There are many of us who are walking the walk and talking the talk. There are many of us who are doing the right things in our families, communities, schools, churches, work places, etc. There are many, but...not enough. So today, I am asking you to move forward in the effort to make Dr. King's legacy a permanent fixture in our daily walk. We can't continue to live under the benchmark of greatness that has been claimed for our lives. We can't continue to live up to the ridiculous stereotypes that society has claimed for us. We must do better and we must do better NOW. We cannot continue to use slavery as the reason for our present misdeeds. The atrocities forced on our communities during that time may have some residue in today's society, but use that to motivate you towards greatness and not keep you down.

Do better, be better, want better, help more, do more, learn more, pull your pants up, get on birth control, honor your body, get an education, go to work, learn proper English, be brave, help your neighbor, protect your family, do your best, be your best, respect your elders, respect your families, respect yourself, clean your body, clean your mind, read a book, learn to spell, put down the guns, put away the knives, don't do drugs, raise your children, help your community...(or something like that). Happy MLK day! I'm living the Dream--are you?

An Early Interview With MLK

Throwing Words Like Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

How many of us have used this phrase and been so certain that we were making a good point? How many of us used this as our personal motto in order to move through the aftermath of someone else's verbal venom? I have. I didn't understand that this statement is sooo incorrect and has no true value in terms of making one feel better. You know why? Because words do hurt. I know that the intention of this oft uttered phrase is to give one strength, a layer of armor. However, it doesn't fully address the hurt that's left after someone says something that's downright disturbing. You know why? Because words do hurt.

Sticks and stones do break bones, but words can break hearts. I know that you can kill someone with a well aimed stick or stone, but guess what? A well aimed verbal assault can kill someone's spirit, destroy his/her soul. You know why? BECAUSE WORDS DO HURT. Words have value, important value in fact. It's the reason why you yell, "FIRE!!!" when your house is in flames, rather than yelling, "YOGURT!!" It's why you say, "I love you" and not, "I bungle you."

Too often, we speak without thinking, and cast words like stones. We fire words like weapons. We condemn, spite, demean, degrade, denigrate and...we destroy. And the sad part is, we don't always recognize it. We say it's who we are, we didn't mean it, I'm sorry, but...You know what, though? Words hurt and we need to be mindful of how we use them.

The next time you feel yourself about to deliver a verbal beat down, give a scathing commentary or make a disparaging remark, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with the person you are speaking to. If it's someone you love, like, care about, may need in the future, may cross professional paths with, etc., take a second to gather yourself before you speak. Because although you may feel like you have to get it off your chest, you may not get the results you intended. Because words hurt and people remember and they may not forgive you when you try to use your words to apologize.

Maya Angelou says, “Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning.” When you have the opportunity to speak your words, use them to empower, to encourage, to enlighten because at the end of the day, words have power. Use yours wisely.


India Arie "Talk to Her"

Purposeful Expression: Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

An important part of purposeful expression is communication which consists of written, non-verbal and verbal components. How you act can be just as significant as what you say. When you walk into a room, people automatically take stock of who they think you are. You don’t have to like the same music, be from the same neighborhood, have the same job, go to the same church, have the same friends in order to communicate. In fact, with effective communication, you can connect with people from all walks of life.

How you dress, how you speak, how you carry yourself and how you treat others are all mechanisms of communication. Each of these elements can give observers valuable insight into who you are. Too many of us say that we don’t care what others think of us, but I am telling you that it is important to be mindful of our outward appearances and expressions. You want to make sure that you are sending the right cues. You might not think that it matters if you curse in the hallways at school or that it might not matter if you curse your kids out in public. You might not think it matters if you wear tight and revealing clothes or that it might not matter if your pants sag below your bottom. You might not think it matters if you roll your eyes when your parents try to give you good advice or it might not matter if you tune out when your children are talking. But I am telling you, it does matter. Communication is not just talking…it is also effective listening and presentation of your character.

Too many people hide behind masks and communication is hampered by unnecessary roadblocks. You need to be sure that your oral communication is effective as well. Learn proper sentence structure. Read well-written books and articles. Read the newspaper and then practice constructing sentences that mimic those that are well written. Unfortunately, because of text messaging we have been far too casual in our written communication. I have students who use numbers for words and acronyms for sentences. (#4-for; B-be; idk-I don’t know; brb-be right back) and they don't understand why they are being marked off on essays. Wut? R u kiddn me? But seriously, it's a shame that they believe the these shortcuts are appropriate substitutes for traditional spelling. Being an effective written communicator can mean the difference between being successful and failing.

It is imperative that you know how to develop paragraphs and outline your thoughts in written form. It sounds so cliché, but reading and writing are fundamental. In order to be a great communicator, carry yourself with dignity. Listen when you are spoken to. Speak when folks are listening. Dress appropriately. Be mindful of your mannerisms and gestures and speak proper English. No one wants to decipher your slanguage or your colloquialisms in order to get to your message. Articulate your thoughts clearly and speak with conviction. Please know that speaking well is not attributed to one race, one nationality, one gender or one social class. We should all have full command of proper English!! We don't live in isolation and it is important that we find ways to build bridges to connect with other people.

P.S: Conversate is not a word; it's converse (but not like the sneaker)...

Be purposeful in your expression for improved communication. Peace.


Dr. Garrard McClendon "Lessons in Proper English"