Walking Whales and Other Mythical Creatures

So, I know you are reading this post and you think I have lost my mind. Walking whales??? Um… please tell me you are not serious…You are straight trippin’ sis… I know. I can hear y’all now, but bear with me. Pull up a seat and listen. I promise it will all come together…

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In life, we sometimes get caught up in wanting people to submit to our will. We see something in them that we deem needs fixing and we expect them to do what we want, when we want it. We expect them to bend to our request no matter what they have going on in their own lives. We hold our expectations over their heads and get upset when they don’t get with the program, so to speak. We may nag, cajole, gloat, and/or condemn all in the name of “so-called” betterment. We lull ourselves into a false sense of “know it all/fix it all” – ness and truly believe we know what’s best for others.

Or we are in a relationship with someone who is “difficult.” This relationship can be platonic or romantic; professional or familial…it doesn’t even matter. But what does matter is that we are emotionally invested in how this other person may behave. Their actions directly impact ours and we are not comfortable with the way that he or she “is.” We get ourselves worked up every time this person does thing A or thing B; we get beside ourselves with every unpleasant emotion one could muster up. We contort ourselves into emotional knots trying to get them to “get it together.” But the funny thing is, this person’s actions are controlling us (intentionally or unintentionally). We are all out of control trying to be in control. They are busy being them, but we want them to be who we want them to be.

That my dear, is trying to make a whale walk. When we involve ourselves in negative self-talk that tells us that we have the right to control someone else’s actions, we want something that goes against everything that we have been shown. People will show you how they are. Time and time again. But even the best of us wants something different than we are shown, particularly if we believe we deserve better. That the person should be better. That they should just listen to us. That, that, that… It doesn’t matter what YOU want. Trust and believe. People are going to people (yes, people is a verb… go with it). Your role in this isn’t to change someone else’s behaviors, but to change your expectations.

When you want the whale to walk, you are expecting something that goes against nature. You want something that is virtually impossible to happen simply because you want it. When you want the whale to walk, you suggest that your desire overrides the natural order of a thing’s existence. You can yell, you can scream, you can beg, you can cry… but guess what? The only walking whales are make-believe.

In order to free yourself from a murky entanglement, you must accept that certain people are going to do what they always do. Certain people are going to do what that have always done. Sure, people change and that is great. But I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about the ones who are on a path that is truly their own. Good, bad, or indifferent. It doesn’t matter. People have the right to people.

At the end of the day, the path that you are on is one that is based on your actions. You must make a conscious decision to live your best life. To be aware of people and their actions, but not give up your control. You own you. You control you. Once you give up your power, all is lost. So my advice to you is to accept things how they are. Understand what they may be. But never ever convince yourself that your desires are more important to other people than their own reality. Peace.

New Location for Soulstainable Living (Temporarily)

One of the wonderful things to happen to me as a blogger is that I have been asked to blog for our local newspaper's online site for women. So, for the last couple of months, I have been posting on that site instead of here. I assumed that most people who read the blog follow it on Facebook, but I understand that some people who read this blog are not on FB *blush* So that being said, here is the temporary site for Soulstainable Living. I hope you will continue to follow me:

http://blogs.democratandchronicle.com/her-community/author/tgraham/

Take good care and thank you so very much for your support!!

It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

Funky, Chunky and the Rest of Those Non-Show Stopping Monkeys

* Please note that the monkeys that I am talking about are not intended to infer the racially insensitive monkey/ape references used to diminish the character of Black folks. I'm speaking to the old African proverb that directly addresses metaphorical monkeys. #sonowyouknow

Today I posted a Facebook (FB) status that included the following side note (SN): one monkey don't stop no show. This colloquial manifesto has aided many folks throughout the times to let other folks know that their actions won't deter progress. In Broadway-esque terms: the show must go on. After posting this "stat" (learn FB lingo), I was surprised at how quickly my friends "liked" my message. I got many cyber daps, fist pumps, and hallelujah hand waves (that's from the Chu'uch) in agreement. This seemingly last minute addition to my morning greeting empowered folks with its simplicity and its profundity. I know how relevant it was in my own experience, but I guess it surprised me that folks had been dealing with the same sort of inflated egos that I had been dealing with.

I am often amazed by how many adults exhibit child-like behaviors when things don't go their way. They have the equivalent of a temper tantrum by shutting you out and trying to shut you up. These are the same adults who will let you know how grown they are, but really they are too tall toddlers. Seriously...Where dey do dat at? (Translation: why do you find that behavior acceptable?) Instead of sitting down like rational beings and trying to come to a compromise, they play the victim role and try to impede your actions (Passive Aggression 101). That's not kosher. In my understanding, adults disagree. That's expected. But it's not the disagreement that's problematic; it's the way it's handled. For example: I love my husband, but we don't always have the same viewpoints on stuff and so we disagree (surprise!). But (and this is important), he's not cussing me out and I'm not cussing him out. Neither one of us is calling each other names or talking about the other's mother. You know why? Because we respect each other. However, we do disagree and then we discuss. And you know what? Most times we even come to a compromise that allows us both to protect our self-hood and be whole people. That's grown up.

Now, them showstopping monkeys? Well, they don't want to do that. Some of them cuss, scream, shout, etc. Monkeys acting like donkeys...this leaves me shaking my head. I can't stand dramatic donkey (er, um...monkey) antics. But not all monkeys act up out loud. Some of them just quit. Or try to get you to quit. Or walk away. Some of them try to interrupt your flow (and maybe even your money), by trying to pull rank and closing down shop. *Insert side-eye.* Once again, where dey do dat at? What would make someone (or several somebodies) think that they had that much power over your life or your actions? Get over yourself. Fareal fareal. And why would you even want to try to control someone with "bully-baby" strategies? It's ridiculous to the point that it's laughable. But you know what? It's actually pretty sad. You know why? Because everybody has his/her own something. We each have stuff that we are dealing with. That's the truth of the world. Now another truth is that no one wants to deal with showstopping monkeys because you can't trust their actions or reactions. I know I don't. I don't like quitters, but I can't stand emotional bullies. I don't want anyone to think that they can force my hand by trying to press my buttons. #it'snotthateasy.

See, I believe in living an untethered life. This means that I don't want to owe anybody anything. But (and this is a big but), I understand that people need people. And so I treat people the way that I want to be treated. Considering this, I learn to compromise. I learn to work in spaces that allow other people to grow and prosper. It isn't my mission to diminish or control. That's not how I live my life. I want all beings to have the right to full governance of self. Seriously. Who wants to hang with a bunch of sheep who can't make up their own minds? I don't. I love rolling with a crew of folks with sharpened minds who move in their own spaces. I love hanging with confident people who trust me enough to know that I love them even in disagreement. My loyalty isn't fickle and neither am I. Remember that you should never allow anyone's actions to dictate the framework of your existence. You are powerful in your independent thoughts and actions. You should always have a fall back plan if things fall apart. Never construct your dreams based on anyone else's definitions. And remember: one monkey don't stop no show. Peace.

Lauryn Hill "Forgive Them Father"

Mind Tricks: Why Mental Illness is No Laughing Matter

I’ve been struggling to write this post for a month. Why? Well, because it’s personal; but that’s not the whole truth because I have shared many personal things on this blog. But it’s not my personal, it’s someone else’s story. Well, that’s not the whole truth either because it’s my story, too. What could be so hard to write about, especially for me when I pride myself on my ability to put.things.into.words? What could be so difficult for me to write about that I have been writing this post in my head for the past month? Even as I try to type, I feel anxious and even a little scared. Truly. Because sometimes, things can’t be written as truth. There is always something else just up under the surface, existing between the lines. In these spaces, we can see the truth more clearly, but to paraphrase a well known movie, “can we handle the truth?” Well, this time, it’s hard, but here goes…

For the longest time, I have known that there were several members of my family who existed in their own spaces. I don’t mean in that ethereal, existentialist space where one questions the state of being. I don’t mean a hippy, dippy, trippy space that’s all dandelions and sunflowers. I’m talking about alternate spaces rooted in pain and identity and chaos and…The truth is, is that several members of my family suffer from mental illness. I need to say that again. Several members of my family suffer from mental illness. That’s something to say, especially among Black folks. I don’t know why, but there is such a stigma surrounding mental illness. I mean, in every community there is some needless embarrassment around the topic, but for Black folks? Well, just chalk it up as another thing that keeps us down. Seriously. And the sad fact is that we don’t usually even validate mental illness as an illness. We consider it a weakness, some sort of deficit. We make excuses for the erratic behavior and may even joke about it: “Girl, you know such and such is a little off. He shouldn’t have (insert some unconnected activity).” Or “She’s just extra. She’s always trying to get some attention.” I know it because I’ve said those things, too. *hangs head* But now I know better and I’m telling you…it’s real.

I had to get this post out this month because May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And I have some personal reasons that this month is significant especially when it comes to issues of mental illness. Two years ago this month, my son’s high school music teacher committed suicide. (He had her for six years; as a music major, he saw her daily). Sadly, she had tried to kill herself several times throughout her life and had been unsuccessful (or perhaps, she had been successful at living?). Well, she had been falling apart just prior to that and many folks were trying to save her life. But she couldn’t be saved because she thought her salvation was on the other side. Their attempts to make her see her worth were pointless because for her, in her mind, she was unloveable, of little value. And so, armed with misinformation about her personhood, she hanged herself in a hotel room in the middle of the week (on my birthday, no less).

She didn’t see any way out and so she took her own life, but it really wasn’t hers to take. She belonged to the world and was so significant, but…she took her own life and we were left to pick up the pieces of her fractured existence. We asked why and why and why some more, but there were/are no answers. Looking at her life and her photo board at her wake, we could see where she started coming undone. Unstrung and unstable, she leaped from this world into the next, praying it would be easier (I think). But we know that she wasn’t in her clear mind. She was in the throes of her illness and no one could decode her need and speak to her in a way that would save her life. And so she leaped from this world into the next and my son, along with countless others grieved this brilliant, vivacious, creative, talented, gifted teacher. As my son delivered a heartfelt message at a school memorial service, I knew that mental illness was real.

And then this year, right before May came in good, one of my closest relatives tried to take their (it’s not proper grammar, but I’m trying to maintain some anonymity) own life. A cocktail of liquor and pills combined with fast moving traffic was almost lethal enough to end my relative’s life. *insert tears* This relative is like my own child and my heart broke in countless places at the thought of losing one of my heart’s children. Someone connected to me by blood. I knew that this person wrestled with demons new and old. In fact, this person had been diagnosed with a mental illness almost a decade prior and had been existing without any treatment.

But you know what? Self-medication is a monster. The many ways that this relative coped put their life at risk tenfold. But you know what? It didn’t even matter because they thought they were winning. Thought they had triumphed over the demons and silenced the voices in their head. But, guess what? That demon lay dormant and when it raged, bayyyyybeeee, it was a monster. It attached itself twentyfold and wreaked havoc on this relative’s mind, body and spirit. It spoke in foreign tongues, whispering in shadows and teasing with it’s just out of bounds behavior. And then it pounced…that demon rode my relative bareback into a kaleidoscope of confusion, fear and surrender. And then came the liquor, and the pills and the fast moving cars for my relative to play chicken with…But that day, the demon didn’t win…and so as this relative works to rebuild their life with medication and counseling, we will see if the demon can be held at bay.

So this is what propelled me to share this story with you. The thought of burying my relative sent me into a spiral of anger, fear, grief, sorrow and helplessness. What to do? What to do? And so I sit here and I write. I write in hope that we can each work towards saving someone’s life. When someone you love is going through a hard time and they just can’t shake their sadness, they might need intervention because they might have a mental illness. Not every time, but sometimes. And we can't take the risk of hoping they'll be fine, of wishing they'll get over it. We simply can't. And so we ask questions and offer comfort. We should encourage counseling and acceptance. We need to create a safe space where people can work out their own stuff without judgement. No harm, only healing. I don’t have any answers, but what I do know is that we need to make sure that we are open to whatever ails folks. We never know when or if we will be the ones in need. Peace.

Donny Hathaway "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" (I chose this Donny Hathaway track because he had a well documented history of mental illness)

Gratitude is the Right Attitude

How many of us say, "Thank you?" I don't mean just when someone gives you change at the grocery store or gives you a gift. I'm serious. How many of us express our gratitude on a consistent basis for things like being a good friend or a good listener? The old folks have a saying that one should "give me my roses while I'm alive." What that means is that we should tell folks all of the positive things we feel about them when they are alive to enjoy them. I mean a funeral eulogy is great, but that is really for everyone else (because um, well, you can't hear them). "Give me my roses while I'm alive."

I believe that we should express our gratitude loudly and often. For real. We get so consumed with the negativity and craziness of our daily lives and we sometimes forget to say "thank you." Seriously. Some of you might be shaking your heads and are wondering if I'm crazy or not. Well, the truth is is that I might be crazy, but I'm never ungrateful. For instance, today I asked folks to like my page on FB and they did. Thank you!!! I'm not feeling well and my grandma came over and did what she does everyday--love me up. Thank you!! Today, I was able to get out of bed, albeit shakily, and put my feet on the floor. Thank you!!

I'm writing this post out of my own need to look at the brighter side. I have been having a rough week and I have found out that some folks I liked a whole lot were shady. So I was feeling sorry for myself for a moment and then one of my kids walked past and gave me a hug. For no reason at. all. And then that same kid said, "Thank you for being a great mom!!" And then walked out of the room. Thank me? No, thank you, you grateful kid!! Thank you, indeed!! Those spoken words of gratitude reignited my spirit and pulled me out of my slump of self-pity. I could remember my worth because I had just been told I was important and that someone appreciated me. Thank you.

So here are my thank yous: Thank you to my family and friends for everything you do to keep me intact, especially my husband, our kids and my grandma. Thank you to all of the people who love me and sustain me in my daily journey. Thank you to my true blue bonafide grown up girlpie crew. Thank you to all of you who have supported my growth and development. Thank you to those of you who have my back and take up for me when I'm too tired to fight. Thank you to the ones who push me to write more, read more, teach more, laugh more, do more, etc...Thank you to everyone who contributes anything artistic to the world because it inspires me as I enjoy it. Thank you to anyone who champions the causes of those who can't advocate for themselves. Thank you to anyone who is trying to make this world a better place and believes that people are worth saving. Thank you for being you and for reading this and for anything, everything that you do to add to the life of someone else. A million times--THANK YOU!!!

India Arie "Little Things"

Self Love is the Best Love

This post is an urgent message to all of you out there. It's about the ways we do ourselves wrong and compromise our personal development through our treatment of ourselves. It's about the myriad ways we make ourselves available to others, but take no time to be nice to ourselves. Think about it---when was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and said, "I love you?" Seriously. When was the last time you wrote yourself a letter and professed your undying love to you? Fareal. Sent yourself some flowers? Bought yourself a gift? Wrote a list of your best characteristics? Huh, when was it? I'm not trying to be facetious; I mean it. We spend so much of our time in busy mode, or crisis mode, or helping everyone mode or whatever mode that we may miss out on the goodness of our ownselves.

If I ask you what was the last nice thing you did for yourself, would you be able to name it? Quickly: tell me what's the last nice thing you did for yourself (10 seconds only...10, 9, 8, 7...). Okay time's up; could you do it? If you came up with something, was it really just for you or did it benefit everyone else around you (e.g: a vacuum cleaner for a gift? Um. That's not really for you)? See, that's it right there. Not too many of us can really say that we took some time to be self-ish (not selfish, because that's something different). Not many of us even knows what true "Me time" means.

Can you fully disconnect from the world and just indulge in the luxury of you? Yeah, you. Because your personal time is a luxury, but we often forget that. We squander our time and put ourselves low on the "to do" list. We say we don't have the time to look after ourselves. You know why? Because we give so much of our time away to everyone else, anyone else, that we forget all about ourselves. Sad, but true. But the truth is that we do have time, but we don't often value ourselves enough to use our time on us. We need to recognize our worth and put ourselves on our personal agendas because we need attention, too.

Think about it: if someone calls us to do something or be somewhere, many of us will drop whatever it is that we are doing and grab our capes and head out the door on a rescue mission (Here I Come to Save the Day). But when we are in need, when our bodies ache, our spirits hurt, our minds burn, we put our own healing and our own needs on the back burner. We say, "Oh, I'll get some rest later" or "Oh, I'll be fine", when really, we are coming apart at the seams. We are stressed to our core, but we ignore the warning signs of our own self-sacrifice. People, we have got to do better!!!!!

Listen, you can't love someone else more than you love yourself. Well, you can, but you SHOULDN'T!!! Yeah, I said it. You should love yourself more than you love anyone else. You know why? Because when you love yourself more, you will be able to treat people better and give the best of yourself to those who deserve it. It's true. When you know who and how you are, when you know your likes and dislikes and when you know your purpose and your worth, you will be your best you! You will be able to give without worry, love without fear and grow without limits. How does it go? "To thine ownself be true" and "Charity begins at home." We haven't been listening y'all, but we need to start because we are our own best thing.

Being a better person starts with you. There is nothing external that can fuel your growth like good old fashioned self-reflection combined with purposeful action. You are beautifully created and you are designed for greatness. In every moment, you have the potential to change a life, including yours. Take time out to know the ins and outs of your being. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you (insert name)" and mean it. If you have some work to do on fixing your stuff (baggage, family history, addictions, anger, etc.), then do it...now. But be loving and gentle and kind to you because there is truly only one you. And at the end of the day, you are all you have. So take good care of your inner and outer selves. Because, you know what? You're worth it.

Peace.

Lizz Wright "Open Your Eyes, You Can Fly"

Spring Cleaning: Getting Rid of Donkeys

Some of y'all might remember my post on reciprocity. If not, see it here. Well, I mentioned how you should treat people how they treat you: give a little; get a little. I like the idea of "one hand washes the other." But I want to revisit the idea of reciprocity because I think it has another layer. I've been thinking on this since I wrote my last post. Here's the deal--I try to treat people well. However, I've been noticing that some people want, no, expect good treatment even when they give you their butts to kiss. And they feel comfortable enough to mistreat you in ways that are unmistakable. Say what? (Insert sassy 70's soul posturing). It's the truth. I have had my share of dealing with donkeys and they seem to expect you to overlook their bad behaviors 'cause that's just how they are. #growup.

You know the type: moody, sometime-y (it's a word, move along), dramatic, etc. And they always have something going on. Something that usually doesn't involve you, but somehow gets you caught up in it. Amazingly, they feel that their "stuff" is more significant than yours and just oh, well, you should understand 'cause that's how they are. *blank stare* I should? Well, then tell me the part where I get to do the same to you and you understand?! Ha! Naw, Homey don't play that! I mean, Homey can't play that. Fareal. Listen, the world is a hard enough place without having to drag the carcasses of other folks' dead souls along with you. Seriously. We live our lives on hamster wheels, constantly in search of the thing that will bring us satisfaction. Dealing with negative energy will never sustain you. Ne.ver. Let me be perfectly clear: dealing with toxic people will drain your energy. So, save yourself. Cut them out of your lives completely.

Toxic people are emotional bullies. They use a variety of tactics to bring you down to their level. It's ridiculous. If you have a strong sense of who you are, then no one can break your resolve. I know that I have been through some stuff in my life and I understand that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. And in the time you have on Earth (or wherever you are in the galaxy), you make sure that you surround yourself with folks who love you and will support you. Consistently. Not just when they feel like it or when you do what they want you to. I mean, surround yourself with people who will build you up, but never hold you up in your wrongdoing. People who, in spite of your flaws (or because of them), love you still.

So, today I am doing some Spring cleaning. Let me make my public announcement: (tapping mic and clearing my throat): I will no longer allow the unfortunate ones to take up space in my world. Your inconsistent behavior is draining and I refuse to let you occupy one more inch of my space. I am releasing you from any personal connections to me. It's my final act of reciprocity. *exhale* Listen, life is too short to deal with folks who steal your joy. You determine who is important enough to warrant your time, your energy, your you. Seriously. You don't have to bargain for your place in anyone's world. If folks can't be bothered with or by you--hakuna matata (no worries). Cut them out of your world and keep it steppin'. You'll be a better person for it.

Peace!

Lauryn Hill "Lost Ones"

Self-Check: I Know Who I Am--Do You?

Recently, I have experienced some dealings with folks that have made me do a self-check. But that's right up my alley because I like to check in on my stuff. I like to make sure that I take stock of my characteristics to make sure that I am keeping in line with becoming who I want to be. Unfortunately, because I am very nice, I come in contact with some very broken people that other people don't want to deal with. Now usually I don't mind dealing with the broken folks because I'm a work in progress myself. So, it's all good. But you know what makes me shake my head? When people who are so far from having their stuff together try to put you in check about being on the right path--where dey do dat at? (Slang was necessary, stay with me).

Now, I say that with no malice or meanness because as my grandma says, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." So I understand that broken people can help you and your self-development. But what always boggles my mind is how do folks get mad at you for having your stuff together? I mean, really. How can folks get mad at you for minding your own business and doing what works for you? I have never been too arrogant to believe that my way is the only way in the world. But you know what? It works for me!! Yup, it.works.for.me. So, instead of criticizing someone else (or me) for being on his/her grind, make sure that you have your stuff together. People spend far too much energy "hating" on what someone else has. Everything ain't for you! Yeah, I said it. Everyone will not be financially successful, physically fit, emotionally stable, etc. It's the way of the world. As long as there are haves, there will be have-nots. And I'm not talking about the world in terms of illness, poverty, abuse, etc. Because those who have should work hard to help those who need help. What I'm talking about is some good and grown folks who don't handle their business and find ways to put down the efforts of those who are doing the right thing.

One of the sad testimonies about the way our world is going is that if you do the right thing, you are considered to be self-righteous. If I'm not judging you and your immoral ways, leave me alone. Fuh real! People who do drugs, sell drugs, lie, cheat, steal, etc. are often trying to put down those of us who are trying to live our lives on the right side of the law ("you bourgie", "you think you betta than me", "you ain't keepin' it real"). Because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I spend my time thinking about you and your mess. So leave me alone. And that's not said with a tinge of self-righteousness. I do what I do, so do what you do. If you are happy doing your thing, then do just that. However, don't be mad if I can't support your mess because I care about my own consistency. I like for my character and my reputation to be in sync. I like for people to know that I am the same person inside that I present to the world. I love that I have standards and I understand that "keeping it real" is very rarely that.

I have found that most people who say, "I don't care what people think about me" are the first people who get upset when someone says something about them. I have found that people who say, "let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone", just got caught up in some mess. Let me be the first person to admit that I care what people think about me, but I don't live my life based on people's judgment. However, I know that I care about my reputation--I am not going to be acting like a drunken fool in public, posting nekkid pictures on FB, or acting like a general donkey just to make you feel comfortable. Your version of me may have me "keeping it real", but what does that mean, really? I know who I am--do you?

As you mature, it would seem that you would get wiser. Unfortunately, people confuse getting older with being grown. True adulthood is not based on your age. There are some gray haired fools in the world. Seriously. The definition of crazy is doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results. If you want to live like that, just own it. Say, I know I'm crazy and my life will always be a mess and that's okay. I can get with that. What is ridiculous is you living a life of chaos and confusion and then getting mad when someone can't or won't co-sign your mess. You're grown--remember? As an adult, I look to people who are living lives that I wish to emulate and I learn from their lessons in order to forge my own path. I know who I am--do you?

One should not live under the scope of duplicity and falsehood. You should be secure in who and how you are. Love yourself--flaws and all. Don't be discouraged by folks who really are skewed in their version of who you should be. Surround yourself with good people who are positive and speak to the best in you. Also, keep some folks around who will check you if your stuff gets tart (the best kind of keeping it real). Cultivate a life for yourself where you are in control of who and how you are. Make sure you do self-checks often and don't be afraid of the gunk you find. You can't do better until you take a full and honest assessment of your true self. At the end of the day, you have to accept yourself. I love me and I know who I am--do you? I wish you peace and enlightenment on this ever continuing journey of selfhood. Forward motion is good because it means you are working towards something. Good luck!!

Nina Simone "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

When I Move...You Move...

The law of reciprocity states that if I give to you, you give back to me. Although the terms are negotiable, the mutual exchange of goodwill isn't. How many of us find ourselves always giving, giving, giving? And I don't mean of just money or things, but of our energy, our time, our love, etc. When I speak of reciprocity, I'm not talking about donating to charity or volunteering for a good cause--that's your honor to be able to serve others who are in need and cannot (not will not ) help themselves. I'm talking about when you help someone and he/she is able bodied and just selfish--always (as the old folks say) "with a mouthful o' sugar and a handful o' gimme."

Do you find yourself giving to the same people over and over again with little effort on their part to reciprocate? How do you feel? Are you sick and tired of the lack of return on your output? Or do you just chalk it up to ignorance and just keep it moving? Do you find that you are the person that folks rely on to loan them money, give them rides, help plan this event or that thing, etc.? Are you often referred to as "loyal", "reliable", "dependable", "a good friend (cousin, sister, colleague...)"? But, as good as the folks on the receiving end of your kind actions think you are, do they get mad if/when you say, "no"? Hmmmm....because that is what has me thinking that your kindness (or mine) is being taken for weakness. You know why? Because it is my decision about how I want to help and if I can. It is not my responsibility to do for any able bodied being who feels entitled to my stuff. Okay?! (Insert high fives, side eyes and neck rolls for emphasis).

If I can be there all of the time for you, I expect (rightfully so), that when I am down and out you will be there to help me as well. Or if I am one of the people who never seem to need anyone because my stuff is in order, you can still show me that you appreciate me. For example: I give you rides everyday because you don't have a car or money for the bus. And you seem appreciative because I have never treated you funny or tried to hold it over your head. Now you are happy because I have done something for you. Now where does reciprocity come in? I know you don't have any money, so I am not expecting anything and it truly is my pleasure to help, but you know what? You can show me that you appreciate me by offering to babysit, making me a cake, doing my hair, anything... Because you know what? That shows me that you understand that my generosity is a choice and that even though I could be doing anything else, I am choosing to help you.

Surprisingly, we only think about reciprocity (if we think about it at all) when we navigate personal relationships, but reciprocity is key in business dealings as well. Consider this, if I am a business owner and you have supported my business, why wouldn't I give you a free ticket, a coupon or a better table at an event? If you have supported my business and you own a business, shouldn't I support yours? Because business dealings, like personal relationships are all about connections. You give a little and usually, you get a whole lot. One hand washes the other--reciprocity at its best. And it is a win-win situation.

Unfortunately, in this dog eat dog world full of "I gotta get mine" mentality, we often position ourselves as top dog or lone wolf (gotta keep the metaphor going) and because of this we lose out. Why? Well, because people need people. It's as simple as that. One day, you may need me and conversely, I may need you. And what a beautiful world when we are able to help each other out. In the end, it comes down to the golden rule: stop acting like somebody owes you something and treat folks with some reciprocity (well, maybe that's the brass rule, but you get my point). Basically, if someone has shown you a kindness, you should try to find a way to reciprocate that kindness. You know how good you feel when someone treats you with consideration, so make sure to spread that feeling to others. Peace.

"What Goes Around" by Lalah Hathaway (video stops abruptly at end, but images were so powerful, I still decided to use it...enjoy)

Easy Like...Well, Like Sunday Morning...

This morning, I had the best time waking up in my husband's arms. I rolled over into his warmth and felt his chest hairs tickle my nose. I snuggled in closer and sighed. Hello, Sunday morning...I listened and outside of our door, I heard little activity; our children were lounging, as well. Each had snuggled into a cocoon of sheets and covers. All was quiet and settled. Even our house seemed as if it had paused to enjoy the morning's stillness. The effect was calming.

Birds were chirping, but their music was muted this morning. It was a soundtrack to the day, embedded into the fiber of every movement. Each breath I took felt cleansing as if I was ridding my spirit of the toxins of the past week. Ahhh...Sunday morning. I listened to the rhythm of my husband's heartbeat and its music intertwined with the music of the birds and the movement of the clouds. With each lu-dup of his heart, I was eased into the serenity of the moment. I felt his breath tickle my ear and the birds were chirping and his heart was beating and my heart was beating and the birds were chirping and...ahhh...Sunday morning. The sun peaked in, a cloud passed by, a still wind blew and all felt right in the world. In this space, in this moment, I felt as if everything was on slow motion and I was so grateful.

Too often, in our ever busy existences, we run over the roses and don't take the time to stop and smell them. We are scheduled, I mean overscheduled to within an inch of our lives. We have so much to do and far too little time. Every hour, every minute, every second seems to belong to someone or something else and then...here comes Sunday... ahhh... A cup of tea, a folded newspaper, a morning hymn, a gentle breeze, a warm touch, a stolen glance...a Sunday morning exhale...ahhh.

Sunday morning can set the barometer for how your week will go. It can be a lazy time in bed or a rousing morning spent in a house of worship. Sunday mornings offer the promise of what the next six days of the week can be like. Sunday is not really the weekend; it is the week beginning. It is a time to plan the activity and set the tone of the upcoming days. To make your mental checks and balances about what to do as you move into the hectic activity of the work week. Some people toil on Sundays and use another day as their "Sunday." But I must admit, there is something spectacular about being in sync with the calendars of most of the people around me. I can count on our collective sighs as I languish in the solitude of Sunday...Ahhh...

Nature by India Arie

Resolutions: When People Show You Who They Are...

As the New Year approaches, I am revisiting some areas of my life that need revamping. I want to take stock of where I am and where I want to be. Considering this, I want to look at how I can still be a helpful, nurturing person without sacrificing my own self-hood. I want deal with people in ways that are mutually beneficial. All my life, I have been a nurturer. I have been the one people run to when they have needed advice, needed to be fed, needed someone to listen, needed someone to care, needed someone to make them laugh, heck, any time they needed someone to (fill in the blank). And quite honestly, I have mostly enjoyed helping people. Even when I'm tired, I get satisfaction from filling someone's cup. I like the fact that folks can count on me. As a result of my actions, I have found that most people think I'm nice, well, probably more than nice and that's okay with me. *Insert smile*

However, I do realize that there is a downside to being a nurturer--you tend to always look for the best in people. And no matter how many other folks see people as selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever, I try to see the best in them. Even when they prove themselves to be selfish, low down, no count, ungrateful or whatever. Now, I am no one's fool, but I do have a soft heart. So this year, I'm gonna do better about seeing people as they are and not how I want them to be. Because sometimes, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them. Sad to say, but sometimes, people are just who they have shown you and everyone else they are. And despite anyone's best intentions, they will continue to do what they will do and be how they will be.

This might not seem like a big revelation to some people out there, but to me: it's monumental. See, I nurture folks because I want to see them do better, have better, know better, etc. I want them to know that someone in this world is here for them. But now I'm starting to understand that some people can't be helped. That whenever you show them up, they wanna look down. You show them joy and all they see is pain. You show them love and...well, you get broken. True story.

If I could heal the world, I would. I don't mean in a superficial way where I get all the credit for being a great benefactor, a wonderful donor, an empathetic humanitarian--nope, I would do it how I do it now--on the low. See I want the best for people and sometimes, I have to understand that some things are better left broken and some people are better left alone. *insert sad face.* Maybe someone who is reading this is thinking, well, it's not about you, it's about them. If you are really helping people, then you shouldn't care how they respond. Just help. And I will tell you that that's how I've been operating...help, help, help...but you know what? I'm tired. Because I'm nurturing people not sheep. And even though I understand that people only do what they can do, I have to understand this for myself as well--I can only do what I can do.

I've always been that child who wished on stars, prayed to God, hoped against hope and believed that people will do better, be better, want better. I won't ever lose that part of myself. However, what I do know is that my desire for something doesn't make it true. Because I want the best for someone or many someones, doesn't mean it will be because maybe, just maybe this is who and how they are. And no matter how many wishes I make, this is the only way they know how to be. See, when people show you who they are, you have to believe them.

For the New Year, my resolution related to this is that I will continue to work to be a blessing in the lives of others. When I give, I will continue to do so with an open heart and a willing spirit. I will make sure that my actions match my thoughts. And (this may be most important), when someone shows me who he or she is, I will deal with them accordingly. No harm, no foul. I will protect myself and my heart and I will believe them when they show me the how and the what of the who they really are. Fareal fareal.

Peace.

"I Keep" by Jill Scott

Purposeful Expression: Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

An important part of purposeful expression is communication which consists of written, non-verbal and verbal components. How you act can be just as significant as what you say. When you walk into a room, people automatically take stock of who they think you are. You don’t have to like the same music, be from the same neighborhood, have the same job, go to the same church, have the same friends in order to communicate. In fact, with effective communication, you can connect with people from all walks of life.

How you dress, how you speak, how you carry yourself and how you treat others are all mechanisms of communication. Each of these elements can give observers valuable insight into who you are. Too many of us say that we don’t care what others think of us, but I am telling you that it is important to be mindful of our outward appearances and expressions. You want to make sure that you are sending the right cues. You might not think that it matters if you curse in the hallways at school or that it might not matter if you curse your kids out in public. You might not think it matters if you wear tight and revealing clothes or that it might not matter if your pants sag below your bottom. You might not think it matters if you roll your eyes when your parents try to give you good advice or it might not matter if you tune out when your children are talking. But I am telling you, it does matter. Communication is not just talking…it is also effective listening and presentation of your character.

Too many people hide behind masks and communication is hampered by unnecessary roadblocks. You need to be sure that your oral communication is effective as well. Learn proper sentence structure. Read well-written books and articles. Read the newspaper and then practice constructing sentences that mimic those that are well written. Unfortunately, because of text messaging we have been far too casual in our written communication. I have students who use numbers for words and acronyms for sentences. (#4-for; B-be; idk-I don’t know; brb-be right back) and they don't understand why they are being marked off on essays. Wut? R u kiddn me? But seriously, it's a shame that they believe the these shortcuts are appropriate substitutes for traditional spelling. Being an effective written communicator can mean the difference between being successful and failing.

It is imperative that you know how to develop paragraphs and outline your thoughts in written form. It sounds so cliché, but reading and writing are fundamental. In order to be a great communicator, carry yourself with dignity. Listen when you are spoken to. Speak when folks are listening. Dress appropriately. Be mindful of your mannerisms and gestures and speak proper English. No one wants to decipher your slanguage or your colloquialisms in order to get to your message. Articulate your thoughts clearly and speak with conviction. Please know that speaking well is not attributed to one race, one nationality, one gender or one social class. We should all have full command of proper English!! We don't live in isolation and it is important that we find ways to build bridges to connect with other people.

P.S: Conversate is not a word; it's converse (but not like the sneaker)...

Be purposeful in your expression for improved communication. Peace.


Dr. Garrard McClendon "Lessons in Proper English"

...When You Need a Hand

On the way to work today, the original version of "Lean on Me" came on the radio. I have always had a fondness for this song because I love the idea of having a soft place to land in times of need. As I sang along, I was reminded of how many people are in need--especially at this time of the year.

Throughout our nation, we hear of so many people who are going without the basic necessities: food, clothing, and/or shelter. This isn't a Third World country (not that those citizens deserve to suffer either); this is the United States. The United States is supposed to be first world and first rate. It makes me ache to the very core of my being to know that somewhere there is a child, a man, a woman, a person who has to do without. I don't mean without steak, without Polo or without a mansion. Those things that I mention are trappings of privilege. I'm talking about good nourishment, appropriate clothing and safe housing. The very basic of the very basic necessities it takes to sustain a society; the very basic of what it takes to build a nation...the very basic.

Too many people are using food cupboards, clothing closets and homeless shelters. Too many families cannot provide for the everyday needs of their children in the current economic situations. Even the fabled "Joneses" can't keep up with their past imitable lifestyles. We allegedly live in a land of plenty, but the only plenty is the plenty of folks who can't keep their heads above water.

How many of us, in our daily lives, think about ways that we can enrich the lives of others? How many of us work to better the lives of those who are less fortunate? How many of us are willing to split our daily bread if we are able? If you are able, are you willing to share yours with someone in need? Someone whose "enough" never seems to be?

And let me ask another thing--are you that someone in need? Are you suffering in silence, too afraid to ask for assistance? Too ashamed to seek help? Well, as my grandmother has said over and over, "a closed mouth don't get fed." And that is in the literal and figurative sense. Let me tell you something, I will pile my house floor to ceiling in order to help the people I love if they are in need.

I know that times are tough for everyone and many don't know how they are going to make it to the next week. I get that, but I'm talking to the folks who have extra and won't share; who have extra and won't give. When you go grocery shopping, buy a couple of extra canned goods to donate to a food cupboard. If you catch some linens on sale, buy them and donate them to a homeless shelter. If you get a chance, go lobby for suitable low income housing. Do something. Because you know what? There will be a time when you need something from someone because as Bill Withers sings, "We ALL need somebody to lean on." So if you are able, stand up with your back braced against the need and be that person for someone to lean on.

Peace.

"Lean on Me" by Kirk Franklin

Education Paves the Way

One of the things that I know to be true is that education opens the door to a world of opportunities. Education comes in many forms but is broken into two major categories--informal and formal. The most well educated of us will have a good mix of informal and formal education. We will be able to code shift as necessary and navigate through many arenas.

Informal education can be absorbed from what you learn from reading, tasting, seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, experiencing and so on. It is not based on academics or what you learn in school. How you "read" people, your sense of discernment, your "sixth sense"--these are all examples of informal education. Sometimes we discount informal education and dismiss it, but our elders know the value of "common sense" as it is often known. Good old fashioned common sense can help you make thoughtful decisions that may benefit you and perhaps your larger community. In fact, informal education can be the thing that whets your appetite for learning. In many ways, it works in tandem with formal education.

As for formal education, the benefits can be endless. You can learn about other cultures, expand your mind, earn degrees, be granted titles, secure licensing and increase your earning potential. The process of participating in formal education allows you to interact with different people and maybe even travel the world. With rates of high joblessness, many of us may not see the benefit of getting into debt to get an education. The possibility of not getting a job is cause for alarm, but it still stands that you have a greater chance of getting a job if you have a college degree. But let me give you a piece of advice--try to do something that you love.

Another key element in formal education is developing critical thinking skills based on inquiry (asking questions), analysis (interpreting information) and synthesis (combining findings into intelligent output). Being able to converse in an educated manner is an underestimated skill. Engaging in an intelligent exchange of ideas with equally yoked peers is something to behold. Trust me.

Considering this, a high premium is placed on education. Or rather, there should be. Unfortunately, in many segments of our community, when we pursue degrees, we are considered as sellouts. But it’s never the people who have made it who promote this notion. It’s the folks who feel disconnected and disenfranchised from traditional means of education. Listen, education is no free ticket to financial wealth or the answer to all things. However, the pursuit of intellectualism is a lost art. There are plenty of educated fools in this world. Learning for knowledge’s sake, needs to be brought back to the center of our culture. We need to recognize that folks DIED for the right to get an education and far too many of us are not taking advantage of these opportunities. I’ll be the first one to admit that the educational system has flaws, but you have to be in the system in order to fix the system. You can’t fix it from the outside.

P.S.: If you need a reminder about the power of education, see this earlier post.

Finally, let me leave you with this quote from Marian Wright Edelman: Education is for improving the lives of others and for leaving your community and world better than you found it.

Every Little Step You Take...

For so long, I have been struggling with losing weight. I make plans to work out or to eat better and as soon as something happens, my plans get put on the back burner. But guess what? I've found a way to lose some weight quickly: forgiveness. What? You thought this was a post about weight loss, didn't you? Theoretically it is...old grudges and past gripes were adding unnecessary stress to my already over stressed life. Old grudges and past gripes were adding pounds to the proverbial albatross around my neck, monkey on my back and pain in my ____. For all my talk about positive living, I had been holding on to some past hurts that people had done, things that wounded me to my core. But guess what? Me holding on to anger and ill will wasn't hurting them...IT WAS HURTING ME!! The person I loved beyond all things (myself) was the one who carried the burden of others' transgressions.

I had been done wrong by a few people (some who had apologized, mind you), but I couldn't move past their actions: "hmmph, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not gonna forget." However, I didn't truly forgive them. I held on to my hurt feelings, bruised ego, foolish pride (whatever you want to call it) and waited for them to try something again. Because you know I was ready, hand on hip, neck roll waiting..."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But see, I didn't understand that if you anger me, you can control me. Simple as that. If you anger me, you CONTROL me. I don't like the idea of someone's actions dictating my own. It's as if I'm being pulled by strings and you are the puppeteer. I don't like that at all.

Anytime I would get angry, I would add someone to the LIST. I would silently check off his/her latest wrong and file it later for instant recall. I know better than that, but I'm a fool when I get mad. In fact, the Tazmanian devil could take pointers on destruction from me. That's why I work so hard on myself because I don't want to take it here. Seriously.

Although I knew that I needed to free myself from the hurtful effects of holding on to anger, I still had to deal with handling folks who had done me wrong. I have truly come to understand that because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to deal with you. I can forgive you and keep it moving. Forgiveness and closeness are not one and the same. I don't have to let you into my personal space because I have forgiven your actions. Forgiveness simply means that I am not going to let you or your mess live rent free in my head. Forgiveness can mean that you give someone a second chance to prove him/herself. That's your personal choice. And it is YOUR choice. You can forgive someone you may never see again. Child's father left you and the baby...forgive him. Mother abandoned you as a child...forgive her. People mistreating you at work...forgive them. That's just my story. Forgiving them makes me a better person. I may never have a chance to sit down with all of the folks who do/ have done me wrong, but I release them. True forgiveness rids your soul, spirit, heart, mind and body of the toxic residue of someone's misdeeds. And you know what? Sometimes you have to forgive yourself from bad decisions you've made. Forgiveness is a universal action and you can employ it externally and internally.

Try this: compile a list of people you feel have done you wrong. Next to their names, write down how you think they've done you wrong. Marinate on the list. Read it over again. Then put it down. Stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale. And repeat these words:

Today I am freeing myself from the burden of your indiscretions, your misdeeds and/or your faulty actions. Today I am reclaiming my heart, my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body and myself. Today I am stepping into the greatness that has been claimed for my life. Today I am healing myself from yesterday's pain so that I can live tomorrow's promise. I release all fear, anger, hurt, sadness, disrespect and hate into a black hole in the universe and I ask that in its place confidence, intelligence, joy, knowledge, respect, patience and love be restored. Forgiveness is mine to give and so it is granted

Take another deep breath and repeat as necessary. When it sinks in, TEAR THE LIST UP!!! Take another deep breath and exhale again. Soon you will believe your words and you will be better for it. Peace.


"Get It Together" by India Arie

From the Soul: Of Caged Birds and Longing

Sometimes a poem can speak to you in ways that prose cannot. I've already professed my love for the great Maya Angelou here and here. Today, I thought her words would be a wonderful lift for a sagging spirit. There are times when we feel as if we are trapped and don't know how to get back on track. We get overwhelmed by our daily lives and toil in misery and sorrow: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." However, we must recognize that with each new day, there is the possibility of something greater, of something more suited to the destiny that we were intended to meet:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill, for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Here is a poem called "Sympathy" by Paul Laurence Dunbar which was published in 1899. This work inspired the poem you have just read by Maya Angelou. Enjoy:

Sympathy
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!

Poems courtesy of poemhunter.com

Purposeful Expression

As we get to be a more technologically savvy society, we forget how to connect to/with people. I remember someone telling me that can they spend hours talking to their friends via Facebook or that they would often text their friends when they were in the same room. However, when the gadgets were removed, they would have nothing to talk about. How sad is that? You can communicate through an online or electronic persona, but you can’t establish a connection face to face. That’s a poor reflection on us as a people.

Sadly, folks have begun to misuse online and electronic communication. Affairs are planned via Facebook; naked pictures are sent via text messages. We say and do things electronically that we would NEVER do in real life. We actually start to believe our own contrived hype (cue Public Enemy). We hide behind deceptive personas and express ourselves in ways that are not authentic. That is a bad move!! You need to be mindful of the ways that you exchange information and present your ideas to the larger world because whether you want to believe it or not, much of what we say or do is being observed.

I remember my grandmother telling me that “the walls have eyes and ears.” As a child, I always felt that I had to be on my best behavior or risk being ratted out by my surroundings. I never wanted anyone to see me disrespecting myself or others. In addition to my grandmother's words, an oft repeated piece of old school advice is “what you do in the dark, will come to the light.” In this age of YouTube videos and cell phone cameras, at anytime you could be filmed in a compromising situation.

Therefore, in order to build a more purposeful existence, you must be diligent about what you say and what you do. You must endeavor to have your character (who you are on the inside) and your reputation (who folks know you to be on the outside) be in sync. The internal you and the external you must be one and the same. Are you defining yourself with purpose? Are you defining yourself through purposeful expression?

Friday Flirt: Are You Ready For Love?

Are YOU ready for love? Have you taken inventory of all of the qualifications that you want in a mate? Done a checklist about all of the things it will take to win your heart? Have you written it down? Prayed over it? Memorized it? Good, now that's the easy part. Yup, as hard as it may have been to streamline your list, you are not even half way there yet. Why? Well, because the law of attraction states that YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU PROJECT. So considering that, it doesn't matter what you say you want if you are not prepared to attract what you want. That is not an external process; it's an internal one.

You have to do the excavation work to get to your core to find out who you are and what you deserve. You have to tear off all of your layers and be your most organic, authentic self. Are you prideful? Work on it! Are you selfish? Deal with it! Are you mean? Get it together! You can't say you want someone who is funny if you won't laugh out loud; you can't say you want someone who selfless and you won't share anything you have. It doesn't work like that because the law of attraction says that you draw to you who you are.

Someone is reading this post and saying, "Not me! I have __________ and ___________. And everyone who knows me says that I am the __________________ person they know. And I keep meeting people who are not worthy of my time." I'm sure that there is some truth to that, but consider this: if a person is not worth your time, why are you letting him/her take up your valuable time? Seriously, if someone is not up to your standards, why would you waste both of your time? If you go to a store looking for an item of clothing, would you purchase something that didn't fit (well, some people might, but that's a different post for a different day)? If you went to a restaurant, would you be satisfied if they put your meal on a garbage can lid (Cosby Show reference) and served it to you? Probably not, so why would you allow someone to occupy your heart, mind, body and/or soul who doesn't fit? Then when it doesn't work out or end in your favor you get upset, when you should have seen it coming all along. See, this harkens back to self-awareness and self-appreciation: you won't allow anyone who can't add to you, subtract from you. I'm not talking about at work or at school or anywhere where you have to interact with less than desirable folks. I'm talking about your own personal and valuable space, where only you get to hand out the VIP cards and NO ONE can tell you who to allow at your heart's table.

Are you ready for love? Have you done the work on yourself to attract someone who is suitable and deserving of your time? Have you made a commitment to deal only with folks who serve to better you and would have you do the same (See my last post on being loved...the right way)? Moving forward, be more selective about the people you let into your space. After clearing away the clutter or debris in your heart, mind, body and/or soul, you will find true love--even if it's only with yourself!


India Arie "I Am Ready For Love"