It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Something Like a Circle of Sisters

Sister, you've been on my mind,
Sister, we're two of a kind,
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you...

I want to dispel a myth that women can't and don't get along. Ever since I can remember, I have had a wonderful sisterhood with a diverse group of women who have my back, my front and everything in between. I know I have been fortunate to have so many supportive women in my life. You wanna meet them? Start some mess with me and and what feels like a nation of strong women will begin braiding their hair, vaselining their faces and removing their earrings to settle a score with someone/anyone who has done me wrong. Why, you ask? Well, because I am one of their own. And they know it's reciprocal...I will do and have done it for them.

I love all my sisters even when we don't see to eye to eye. Who wants to hang with sheep? I love differences of opinions because that means that we all have pulses. See, I run with a crew of battle ready, intellectually armed, community minded, supersistas. Women who have their stuff to-gethuh (insert cool '70's posturing). And even when they struggle or flounder or stumble...they know enough to reach out to one of their own to be the hand they fan with, the leg they stand on, the shoulder they lean on. Because supersistas recognize that having the whole world in your hands can be hard and sometimes, you need someone who speaks your language to help you out (Insert sister signals).

Yeah, I have a husband, a great one in fact, but let me tell you, baaaaaaaaaby, ain't nothin' like your true blue, bonafide, sister crew. I mean, if you have a good crew because there is nothing like the connection between women who know. Women who are fierce, dynamic, kind, nurturing, informed, engaging, intelligent...women who are women.

Recently my husband, my children and I drove over 800 miles so that I could see a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. There wasn't anything wrong with her or our relationship. Although we had remained connected, we hadn't seen each other in a long time. And I wanted to change that. I needed to change that. Why? Because I wanted to see her, needed to see her. And so I did. And we fell right back in step...we joked, we teased, we reminisced, we laughed and we connected like no time had elapsed since our last face to face visit. You know why? Because we are supersistas.

So let me give a public shout out to my supergirl crew who sustains me in every moment of my existence. To the biological ones (sisters and sistercousins) who share my DNA--thank you. To the ones I grew up with who still remain my friends--thank you. To the ones I met in high school--thank you. To the ones I met at work or in college--thank you. To the ones I met through my children, for my children or dealing with some children--thank you. To the ones who listen to my rants, laugh at my jokes, fuel my dreams, encourage my ambitions, extinguish my doubts, analyze my fear, recognize my worth, cherish my love--thank you, thank you, and a million times--THANK YOU! I love you more than words can express and I love you more than you will ever know.


Miss Celie's Blues

That's What Friends Are For...

Friendships are an often studied and discussed topic. They are the subject of movies, books, poems, plays, and songs. In fact, one of my favorite rap songs addressing the issue of friends is by the legendary group Whodini. In their hip hop classic, "Friends", they address their opinions about friends:

Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Ones we can depend on?
Friends...
How many of us have them?
Friends...
Before we go any further, lets be...

Friends is a word we use everyday;
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up, again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends

Although the dictionary strives to give a usable definition for the word friend, it can't properly define what a good friend is. As Whodini goes on to say, "a friend is somebody you judge for yourself." Each friendship has its own requirements to be satisfying and each person may require different things from different friends.

Do you have a crew of folks that you can count on when the going gets tough or do you have just one true blue dyed in the wool friend? Do you still hang with the folks you grew up with or is your current inner circle made up of people from college or your career? In many ways, it doesn't even matter when or how you met your friends. It is more important that you have relationships that sustain you. However, you must realize that friendship is a two way street. Reciprocity should be the main objective when working towards a relationship that strives to be mutually satisfying. With that in mind, ask yourself if you are a good friend. Are you tending to your friendships with care and concern? Do you treat your friends with the same consideration that you want to be shown?

How do you learn to be a good friend? I have found that the most important things for maintaining good friendships are to avoid toxic people and to avoid being a toxic person. All relationship come with a level of complexity, but complexity doesn't equal conflict. One of the things that we do sometimes is to surround ourselves only with people who are just like us. What fun is that? While there is definitely comfort in dealing with the familiar, it is a wonderful thing to be able to learn and grow from your friendship.

If you are struggling in your relationships with your friends, perhaps it is time to reevaluate them. There is an often repeated adage that "you don't have to change friends if you realize that friends change." This is true to a certain extent; perhaps your friendships just need to be redefined. I believe that everyone can benefit from at least one solid and supportive friend. Unfortunately, social networking sites have taken the word "friend" to a new level where any random stranger can automatically be added to your inner circle as a "friend."

The challenge is that in order to get a good friend, you must be a good friend. As our lives get busier, it is sometimes hard to maintain the level of contact that you once had with your friends. I know that in my own life, I haven't had a chance to sit down with some of my closest friends in the ways that I want--I am working on that now. However, as we all know, the best friendships are the ones that pick right back up whenever you talk like no time was ever missed. I have been blessed with a wonderfully diverse crew of friends who are like family to me. My life is enriched by the fact that I have friends who serve different roles in my life and allow me to serve many roles in their lives as well. To my friends, in the words of the Golden Girls theme song: "thank you for being a friend." Open your heart to the possibilities that a strong friendship can offer and enjoy the richness that fully fleshed out friendships can bring.

"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and Friends