Thank You...

I have been working hard to make some of my personal dreams come true. I work all the time to make sure that what I want will manifest in real life. I have been overwhelmed recently by the level of support that I have gotten from my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even some strangers. I'm truly appreciative of all of the blessings that come my way. I have had a hard road in some ways and I am happy to say that I am conquering the ghosts of my past, one determined action at a time. This blog has been taking off in so many directions that I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. Life is good.

I just want to say thank you for your support. Your phone calls, text messages, FB posts and in person meetings have touched me in ways that I can't fully express. I believe in taking moments out to give thanks and that's what I intend to convey to you today: THANK YOU!!! I look forward to the next directions that this blog will go. In life and in love, I wish you well.

Fantasia "I Believe"

It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Making Connections: Being Reunited Does Feel Good

Remember all of the friends that you made throughout your life? The ones you were born with because your family knew their families? Do you remember the ones you met in elementary school and laughed with during recess? You remember your secondary school friends? The ones you coordinated outfits with, confided in about your first love? The ones you shared all of your teenage angst, passion and joy with? Do you remember the friends you made in college? You studied together, pledged together, hung out together and made plans to be connected all your lives because you were going to take over the world together. What about your friends you met in church, summer camp or some other activity? Your work friends that you had at a previous job? What about the friends you made when your children were small? And your kids played with their kids? Remember that you had memories upon memories of the good times that you shared with these people? Remember, you would talk to these folks all.of.the.time? (Pause for a quick walk down memory lane).

It seemed that wherever you went, you met people who shared with you, who laughed with you and who were an important part of the landscape of your life. The very fabric of your life was woven together by your interactions with these special folks. You knew they looked out for you and had your back no matter what and you did the same in return. They made each moment in their presence that much better. These were the people that you felt connected in a myriad of ways with. Remember how we all thought that everyone we ever loved would be in our lives forever? Remember? Despite our best efforts, life happened and we didn't keep in touch. We moved away, we changed schools, mindsets and availability. And people who were once very important to us, somehow became memories--faded, tucked away in the recesses of our hearts and minds. Do you remember?

As I get older I find that, while I love to meet new people, I really I love the company of folks who were a part of my early years. The years when I fumbled in my quest for identity, voice and position. I find that I really need the people who loved me and poured into me. I find that I also need to make connections with people who were significant to me in different times in my life because I need those connections to help push me to the next level of my life. For real. I know that everyone didn't have beautiful people in their lives as they were growing up, but I did. And for some reason as I get older, I want to reach out to those people. I want to reconnect and become plugged back into to their worlds. I want to be a part of their lives and I want them to share my life with me. I feel like I need it--does that make any sense? There is something inexplicable that is stirring in my soul that is pulling me back to days past. Like an archeologist, I dig for the people who I believe will be important to my future.

Recently, I have been able to connect to some great childhood friends I hadn't seen in about 25 years. We reunited through Facebook. Online, we serve as each others' cheerleaders providing encouragement and cyber love often. We became a little sorority, a modern day Three Musketeers. The funny thing is, is that I knew them from different places, but they went to school together. Our connection was like a Venn diagram, but we overlapped in all the right places: we formed a new sisterhood. In fact, I saw both of them recently when they came to our hometown for visits. And you know what? It was like no time at all passed by. We laughed, talked, danced, laughed some more, reminisced and it felt just.right. Good times were had by us all.

I also reconnected with an old work friend online. We were so close at one point, but it was the same old story: our lives changed and we lost touch. I would see her once in awhile and we would promise to get together, but it never happened. Through Facebook, we got to know each other again and realized that we needed each other still. And so we hung out in person and once again, I found that we fell right back to our usual patterns. We laughed and continued a conversation we began about 10 years ago, like we never lost touch at all. It feels good to be back in each others' lives. For real.

Late last year, I also reconnected with my high school bff in person. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we remained connected via phone. And along came FB...we saw each other all the time online and I realized how much I missed her goofy face. And so we drove 10 hours to see her and when I saw her, it felt like no time had passed. Our families clicked and we laughed and laughed and...well, it was just perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I was driving home...and then the tears came. Tears of joy, tears of absence, tears of reconnection, just tears, tears, tears. And I vowed never to let that much time pass again without actually seeing my loved ones.

And recently, I reunited with a childhood cousin from my grandfather's side of the family. I spent long hours at her mother's house with her mom, aunts, uncles and my grandparents. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and didn't recognize her for the semester she was my student (crazy, right?), but from the day we met, we had a connection we couldn't identify. It was just strong. And then one day just last week, we became FB friends and realized through a set of circumstances that we were actually family!!!! What a blessing and a true gift. I had just written about my grandfather and it felt so good to be connected to his family again. And best of all, we even reunited her mother and my grandmother who are both in their 80's!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. *tears*

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone you used to know is someone you need to know. I'm just saying that sometimes we get so bogged down by life and we lose contact (through no fault of our own) with people who have been integral to our development. Technology can sometimes get in the way of real human contact, but in my case, technology was the bridge to human contact. Hurray for FB because without it, I would never have been able to reconnect with so many of the good folks in my life. I have found other former classmates, work friends and family online; it is truly remarkable and nourishes my spirit. I encourage you to try to reestablish severed ties and make your way back to the people who remember you "when". I know that my life has been enriched in indescribable ways by these reignited connections. With each reunion, I am able to give and receive love and we all could use a bit more of that. Here's wishing you find your way back to the relationships that fed your soul and that you blossom from the love you receive. Peace.

"Love Train" by the (Mighty, Mighty) O'Jays

Defining Fatherhood: A Tribute

I didn't meet my father until I was 17. Sure I heard about a man with similar coloring, the same prominent nose and identical sense of humor, but I didn't know him. I remember being at a local shopping center with my aunt. I was about 9 years old and quite impressionable. We had gone into a shoe store and upon our exit, a slim, handsome man stopped my aunt and they chatted. She tried to encourage me to speak to him, but an unfamiliar shyness took over me and I hid (inexplicably) behind her. I would later find out that that man was my father. Even though I saw him, I never considered that "meeting" him until we were formally introduced almost nine years later. Can you imagine? Being formally introduced to your father? It defies all logic.

Despite my father's absence, I grew up with a loving father figure in my house--Frank Mitchell, my grandfather. He was an old, old man from the South. He had limited education, but what he lacked in traditional schooling, he made up for with his mastery of carpentry. He also had a sharp fashion sense. Monday through Friday, he wore his uniform of tattered dungarees with a variety of holes and stains. He would have an old cap on his head, weathered boots and a red and black square carpenter's pencil tucked behind one ear. But on the weekends? He was sharp as a tack, clean as a whistle. He would get out his old fashioned shaving kit (with the soap brush and straight razor) and proceed to groom his thin mustache to perfection. He always smelled so good and his suits? They fit him to a tee. He would put on the socks that had to be held up with sock garters; his pants even had suspenders!! Well dressed, indeed. He would put on a jaunty hat and some well polished shoes and he would look more elegant than gentlemen half his age. In fact, he taught me how to tie a tie when it was in fashion for women to wear them. He scoffed when I said that I could just buy a clip on. I'm smiling now thinking of the memory.

He had one brown eye and one blue one...how that happened I never knew. He did odd jobs and carpentry work for many people in our neighborhood and beyond. I loved those odd jobs because he would always bring me little treasures: a doll, some books, etc. These weren't old things; they were new things that someone had given to him. They knew he had a granddaughter and so they gave him things for me. Another thing I remember about him is that he LOVED baseball. I mean, loved it!! He would take his old black and white portable television and sit in our enclosed side patio watching hours of games at a time. He loved to laugh and would throw his head back to reveal some empty spaces where teeth used to be. He also loved the blues. In fact, I was the only child I knew who sang blues songs like nursery rhymes. He was a flawed man (who isn't), but he never wavered in his love for me. Never. And he was a constant figure in my life. I could always count on him up until his death when I was 18. I even eulogized him at his funeral. My family still laughs about that funeral. It was wild and crazy, just like him. Just like his life.

I don't have any memories of my father. He never came to see about me or to check on me. He didn't know if I was being treated well or if I was being misused. He never came to any of my activities and never influenced me in any way. We've tried to build a relationship over the years, but we can't seem to connect in the ways that matter. I must say that he's a phenomenal father to his other children. But with me? We are like familiar strangers who struggle to find the words to say at the right times. I know it's because I hold his feet to the fire and make him accountable for his words. He resents that, but I'm grown now. I don't need him like I used to and I won't allow him to lie to me like I don't know any better. We've talked; he's promised and sadly, he's fallen short. So this year I decided to cut him out of my life for good. It's a self-preservation tactic that is my last resort to save my heart from further damage. Sad, but necessary. I don't wish him any ill and I don't harbor too much anger about his lack of presence in my life. It took me awhile to come to this decision and I really don't regret it. You know why? Because the truth is, my real father died when I was 18.

But this isn't a sad testament to Father's Day. Because of my vastly different experiences with "fathers", I want to acknowledge the father of my children, my husband. So here is an open letter to him on the day that we celebrate the fathers in our lives:

Happy Father's Day. I want to thank you for all that you have poured into our children. I love that you push them beyond the boundaries of the expectations they have for themselves. I love that you encourage artistic expressions and intellectual pursuits with equal fervor. Thank you for showing them that being there isn't enough--sharing yourself with them fully is the only way that you parent. I appreciate that you have taken my nephew into our fold and that you treat him like one of your own. And no one can tell the difference. I thank you for showing your true self (flaws and all) to our sons so they can have a model for manhood. I appreciate that you talk with our daughter about what she should expect from future suitors. I love that you enjoy these kids with everything you have, calling them "your crew" as you run rampant around the city with them in tow. I laugh just thinking about the numbers of people who say they've seen you at (insert event or location) with the kids and that you looked like you were having fun. Overall, I want to thank you for not allowing your own absentee father to turn you into a bitter, distant man who abandoned his own children. You are a man beyond measure, a father extraordinaire. Thank you for blessing our family with your love.

I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of the men who are fathers to their children or someone else's. May you enjoy all of the best that the universe has to offer. Your love and guidance will impact your children in ways that cannot be defined. Peace.

"Be a Father to Your Child" by Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs

Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

It's My Birthday and...

I’m not gonna cry!! Listen, this day is all about celebration. It’s about me, myself and I. Like Virginia Slims, I have come a lonnnnnng way, baby. I don’t know if I came into this world kicking and screaming, but I know that I was definitely born to fight. I am battle ready, but you know what? I’m also love ready. As much as I am able to git.up.in.yo.stuff, I prefer the gentle treatment. I’m mostly smiles and gentle words because life is hard enough. Why do I need to make it any harder with donkey antics? I pride myself on my manners and hope that I will be able to maintain my grace for at least the next 38 years.

In these 38 years, I have seen some of the darkest spaces in human nature, but I prefer to focus on the beauty that surrounds me. Too often we allow ourselves to become burdened by the many unfair things that happened to us as children. I have decided that I am not responsible for the things I could not control and so I forgive those who have added to the pain in my past. Truly. It wasn’t easy or quick, but it was worth the work and wait. I promise you that for the first time in a long time, I am living my life like it’s golden (or I’m golden—take your pick).

I believe that I have been a walking paradox my whole life. I am the unwanted, chosen child. I am the fretful free spirit. I am the first born who was raised in a house as the youngest member. I am a child at heart with an old soul. I am all that I never thought I could be, but believed I was supposed to be. Funny, isn’t it?? At times, I played myself small because I didn’t see myself in my fully recognized form. I shrunk into dark spaces, so that my shine wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes. I didn’t believe I could fly because no one around me seemed to be able to. Folks were maintaining; who had time for dreaming? I was so full of myself that I could have burst, but I couldn't find my voice. I was never afraid of failure, but absolutely terrified of success. Funny isn’t it?? But maybe, it’s just a little bit sad.

It’s my birthday, but I'll be damned if I cry because for 38 years I have triumphed over adversity, both large and small. I have tangoed with demons—some, my own and the others, well…let’s just say they weren’t mine. But you know what? I have laughed in the rain and been kissed by the moon. In my time, I have held Heaven in my hands, played in the stars, sang with the trees. I have double-dutched under rainbows and danced on the sun. I have survived, I have thrived and I have arrived. In my 38 years.

In my 38 years, I have amassed a treasure trove of blessings. I have beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a supportive grandma, great friends and a loving family. I have a ready mind and a fighting spirit. I have most of my health and all of my worth. I have a quick wit and a hearty laugh. I have a fantastic job and a defined purpose. I have a gift of discernment and the freedom of speech. I have my ups, my downs, my tragedy and my triumph. I have a clear vision and focused action. I have a wealth of talent and a rich existence. I have a steel spine and a soft heart. I have compassion and passion. I have common sense and book smarts. I have life, truth and love. I have options. I have freedom and boundaries and you know what? I have me, myself and I (that’s 38 things, in case you were wondering).

Today is my day. Today is a day to celebrate who and how I am. This is a day for gratitude and reflection. I want to thank my grandmother for pouring love into me and helping me get to this point in my life. She has always believed in me and loved me, even when I didn’t always love myself. She stood in the gaps that my parents’ absences left. For this, I am grateful. And so as I usher in my 38th birthday, I want to thank her from the very depths of my soul. Because even though she didn’t push me into this world; she’s helped me navigate around this world--pushing me along the way. So Happy Birthday to me, but I owe my chance at a happy life to her. And today, (in the words of India Arie) “I’m celebrating the woman I’ve become." Peace.

India Arie "Private Party"

Spring Cleaning: Getting Rid of Donkeys

Some of y'all might remember my post on reciprocity. If not, see it here. Well, I mentioned how you should treat people how they treat you: give a little; get a little. I like the idea of "one hand washes the other." But I want to revisit the idea of reciprocity because I think it has another layer. I've been thinking on this since I wrote my last post. Here's the deal--I try to treat people well. However, I've been noticing that some people want, no, expect good treatment even when they give you their butts to kiss. And they feel comfortable enough to mistreat you in ways that are unmistakable. Say what? (Insert sassy 70's soul posturing). It's the truth. I have had my share of dealing with donkeys and they seem to expect you to overlook their bad behaviors 'cause that's just how they are. #growup.

You know the type: moody, sometime-y (it's a word, move along), dramatic, etc. And they always have something going on. Something that usually doesn't involve you, but somehow gets you caught up in it. Amazingly, they feel that their "stuff" is more significant than yours and just oh, well, you should understand 'cause that's how they are. *blank stare* I should? Well, then tell me the part where I get to do the same to you and you understand?! Ha! Naw, Homey don't play that! I mean, Homey can't play that. Fareal. Listen, the world is a hard enough place without having to drag the carcasses of other folks' dead souls along with you. Seriously. We live our lives on hamster wheels, constantly in search of the thing that will bring us satisfaction. Dealing with negative energy will never sustain you. Ne.ver. Let me be perfectly clear: dealing with toxic people will drain your energy. So, save yourself. Cut them out of your lives completely.

Toxic people are emotional bullies. They use a variety of tactics to bring you down to their level. It's ridiculous. If you have a strong sense of who you are, then no one can break your resolve. I know that I have been through some stuff in my life and I understand that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. And in the time you have on Earth (or wherever you are in the galaxy), you make sure that you surround yourself with folks who love you and will support you. Consistently. Not just when they feel like it or when you do what they want you to. I mean, surround yourself with people who will build you up, but never hold you up in your wrongdoing. People who, in spite of your flaws (or because of them), love you still.

So, today I am doing some Spring cleaning. Let me make my public announcement: (tapping mic and clearing my throat): I will no longer allow the unfortunate ones to take up space in my world. Your inconsistent behavior is draining and I refuse to let you occupy one more inch of my space. I am releasing you from any personal connections to me. It's my final act of reciprocity. *exhale* Listen, life is too short to deal with folks who steal your joy. You determine who is important enough to warrant your time, your energy, your you. Seriously. You don't have to bargain for your place in anyone's world. If folks can't be bothered with or by you--hakuna matata (no worries). Cut them out of your world and keep it steppin'. You'll be a better person for it.

Peace!

Lauryn Hill "Lost Ones"

Self-Check: I Know Who I Am--Do You?

Recently, I have experienced some dealings with folks that have made me do a self-check. But that's right up my alley because I like to check in on my stuff. I like to make sure that I take stock of my characteristics to make sure that I am keeping in line with becoming who I want to be. Unfortunately, because I am very nice, I come in contact with some very broken people that other people don't want to deal with. Now usually I don't mind dealing with the broken folks because I'm a work in progress myself. So, it's all good. But you know what makes me shake my head? When people who are so far from having their stuff together try to put you in check about being on the right path--where dey do dat at? (Slang was necessary, stay with me).

Now, I say that with no malice or meanness because as my grandma says, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." So I understand that broken people can help you and your self-development. But what always boggles my mind is how do folks get mad at you for having your stuff together? I mean, really. How can folks get mad at you for minding your own business and doing what works for you? I have never been too arrogant to believe that my way is the only way in the world. But you know what? It works for me!! Yup, it.works.for.me. So, instead of criticizing someone else (or me) for being on his/her grind, make sure that you have your stuff together. People spend far too much energy "hating" on what someone else has. Everything ain't for you! Yeah, I said it. Everyone will not be financially successful, physically fit, emotionally stable, etc. It's the way of the world. As long as there are haves, there will be have-nots. And I'm not talking about the world in terms of illness, poverty, abuse, etc. Because those who have should work hard to help those who need help. What I'm talking about is some good and grown folks who don't handle their business and find ways to put down the efforts of those who are doing the right thing.

One of the sad testimonies about the way our world is going is that if you do the right thing, you are considered to be self-righteous. If I'm not judging you and your immoral ways, leave me alone. Fuh real! People who do drugs, sell drugs, lie, cheat, steal, etc. are often trying to put down those of us who are trying to live our lives on the right side of the law ("you bourgie", "you think you betta than me", "you ain't keepin' it real"). Because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I spend my time thinking about you and your mess. So leave me alone. And that's not said with a tinge of self-righteousness. I do what I do, so do what you do. If you are happy doing your thing, then do just that. However, don't be mad if I can't support your mess because I care about my own consistency. I like for my character and my reputation to be in sync. I like for people to know that I am the same person inside that I present to the world. I love that I have standards and I understand that "keeping it real" is very rarely that.

I have found that most people who say, "I don't care what people think about me" are the first people who get upset when someone says something about them. I have found that people who say, "let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone", just got caught up in some mess. Let me be the first person to admit that I care what people think about me, but I don't live my life based on people's judgment. However, I know that I care about my reputation--I am not going to be acting like a drunken fool in public, posting nekkid pictures on FB, or acting like a general donkey just to make you feel comfortable. Your version of me may have me "keeping it real", but what does that mean, really? I know who I am--do you?

As you mature, it would seem that you would get wiser. Unfortunately, people confuse getting older with being grown. True adulthood is not based on your age. There are some gray haired fools in the world. Seriously. The definition of crazy is doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results. If you want to live like that, just own it. Say, I know I'm crazy and my life will always be a mess and that's okay. I can get with that. What is ridiculous is you living a life of chaos and confusion and then getting mad when someone can't or won't co-sign your mess. You're grown--remember? As an adult, I look to people who are living lives that I wish to emulate and I learn from their lessons in order to forge my own path. I know who I am--do you?

One should not live under the scope of duplicity and falsehood. You should be secure in who and how you are. Love yourself--flaws and all. Don't be discouraged by folks who really are skewed in their version of who you should be. Surround yourself with good people who are positive and speak to the best in you. Also, keep some folks around who will check you if your stuff gets tart (the best kind of keeping it real). Cultivate a life for yourself where you are in control of who and how you are. Make sure you do self-checks often and don't be afraid of the gunk you find. You can't do better until you take a full and honest assessment of your true self. At the end of the day, you have to accept yourself. I love me and I know who I am--do you? I wish you peace and enlightenment on this ever continuing journey of selfhood. Forward motion is good because it means you are working towards something. Good luck!!

Nina Simone "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

I Yam What I Yam...And I Love Me Still

I got a revelation, y'all. Come close because I don't want you to miss nary a minute of what I have to say. Lean in, closer, closer...yeah right there...What I want to tell you is: I LOVE ME SOME ME!!!!!!!!!! Yessir, yes ma'am, yessiree Bob and all of that. Today, at this moment, at this place in time: I am comfortable in my own skin.

That's a mouthful and it's no small endeavor. See, I am a self-reflective person. I constantly do a checks and balance on myself to see how I measure up to the person I want to be. Most times, I'm on point. But sometimes, well, sometimes--I fall short. Yeah, because even when I want to be better, I get stuck in the frailty of human emotion (and dare I say, ego) and I mess up. I don't always get it right. However, even in my moments of making mistakes or of doing a little less than I intended, I still love me. Yeah, I do. You know why? Because I should--plain and simple. There is no fancy equation or formula, it just is what it 'tis.

Often, we start looking sideways and comparing ourselves to the Jones' or whomever and we don't quite measure up in our estimation. But that's the problem--you don't know them people or what they are dealing with, so stop trying to be like them. Stop trying to do what they do and be how they be. Now, don't get me wrong--there isn't anything wrong with trying to find suitable role models and wanting to better yourself. As the kids say, "that's what's up" (translation: it is a good thing). But the danger is in living your life based on what other people do and say. The danger is in feeling as if you never are enough or that you can never get enough. That is dangerous, indeed. There is some satisfaction to be found in the scope of who you are. There is some satisfaction to be found in the YOU of who you are.

Come closer, I want to tell you something. Lean in closely and soak up all I have to say: YOU ARE YOUR BEST THING (Beloved reference). Fareal, fareal. If no one has ever told you before, I want you to know that there is beauty in every breath you take, in all of your moments. There is joy, hope, love, kindness, patience and peace inside of you. No one can take what you don't offer. See, I love me some me and it is no small statement I make when I tell you that I embrace myself--all my beauty, my pain, my joys, my sorrows, my missteps and my me. I love me and as I am changing, I continue to see the best of who I will become, one day, someday. But today, right now, at this moment in time, I love me just as I am. Do you love you?

Peace.

Jennifer Hudson "I Am Changing"

Village People

One of my childhood friends posted on FB lamenting the loss of "The Village." Y'all know, "THE VILLAGE"? That place where old gra'mamas and gran'daddies were quick to cut a switch to chastise an unruly child? The neighborhood where any and ev'ry person older than you had a right to put you in your place and even spank your tail if need be (follow along, folks--there's gonna be a lot of colloquial language in this post). The place where all adults were addressed as Mrs., Mr. or Ms. So and So? Or if your family was close to them, they were called Auntie, Uncle or Cousin Such and Such? Everyone in The Village knew you and all of your bizness (if you were old enough to have any). The place where street gangs had standards and even operated like mini-Pac Tacs keeping the outside riff raff from harming the local folks (crazy, but true)?

I remember The Village: they were the folks who instilled the fear of God (pronounced GA-UHD--in my southern Baptist Preacher voice) in children and who made us stand up a little straighter and talk a little lower when they were within earshot or eye sight. The Villagers didn't, as James Brown said, "Take no mess" and thank goodness we didn't try them too often. Remember when we were growing up (anyone before 1980) and we had to sneak and do stuff? I remember knowing if anyone in my neighborhood saw me doing anything unbecoming, my @ss was grass and any one of them would be the lawnmower? (Insert trembling child here). Shute!! I was scared of these folks, not because they were mean (although some of them were); I was scared of these folks because I knew that their hopes and dreams were poured into me and their children and grandchildren and they were willing to do whatever to make sure that we didn't mess up. What.ever. (Who callin' CPS? You better toe the line!!)

Listen, I was raised by my grandmother, who hailed from the South. We grew up under "heavy manners" (as my Trini friend would say). The Village was watching: we polished our shoes on Sunday and washed any laces for sneakers; we wore foundation garments and slips under our dresses. The young men wore belts and hard bottomed shoes to church on Sunday. We brushed our hair and teeth with equal enthusiasm. We had to look sharp because The Villagers didn't play. Cleanliness was next to Godliness indeed!! We had Chores (*gasps*). Yup, actual chores that we did on Saturday mornings while listening to old school R and B on the local radio station. And we didn't complain (at least not loud enough to be heard--who had a death wish?). We hopped our dusty butts out the bed and got our buckets of pinesol, bleach, and furniture polish and went to work. The Villagers demanded a clean space as well as a clean body.

But the Village wasn't all pressed shirts and Saturday chores. The Village was kickball games, block parties, corner stores, juleps (whatchall know about a julep stand?), etc. It was a place where children could be children because the adults had their roles covered. We could stay out until the street lights came on and then we scattered (like roaches, I guess) and got home "just in time." Y'all remember kickball, dodge ball, shoot 'em bust 'em up (not as violent as it sounds), basketball at the local court or rec center? Do y'all remember penny candy that actually costed (yeah, I wrote costed) a penny? Do y'all remember peppermints in your pickles? Man, I'm getting nostalgic writing this...(I'm about to go buy some Boston Baked Beans and then blow in the empty carton to make a whistle sound *sigh*).

I'm telling you, these kids today don't know nothing about The Village. They don't have the benefit of true neighborhoods where all the kids played together no matter how much money they had or who lived in the home. It was truly "all for one and one for all." Y'all need some food? Food cupboard, nothing. The neighbors went to their own meager cupboards and somehow made meals and brought food to whosoever needed it. Need some money? Man, the local numbers runner also doubled as a credit union and you could just pay him back a little at a time so long as you sent him a fresh pie and a plate of colla'd greens on Sunday. Man, The Village was all right. We took care of our own. What you know about 9-1-1? Somebody broke into your house? Any of the local thugs would be puttin' his ear to the street to find out who got'cho stuff. And when he brought it back to you and told you "don't ask any questions, ma'am", you chastised him for beatin' somebody up? #Thevillagedon'tdiscriminate.

Listen, the Village had some problems (this post ain't about that), but I am tellin' you (in my Dreamgirls voice) that the Village boosted up a lot more than it broke. That it shaped a lot more than it shortchanged. I am a walking testament that living under the watchful eye of the Villagers made me the woman I am today: a God fearing, peppermint in pickle eatin', Saturday chore doin', old school R and B list'nin, foundation garment wearin', shoe polishin', colla'd green making RESPECTFUL jr. Villager. I am a proud product of the Village and I stand on the shoulders of the Villagers who helped shaped me. Thank you Grandma, Grandaddy Frank, Ms. Myrtle, Ms. Henrietta, Ms. Delores, Ms. Tee, So Sporty, Grandaddy Sam, Shake and Bake, Mr. Vaughn, Mr. Willie Dennis, and many more...Thank you for looking over me and watching out for me and being an unconventional family...

"Every Ghetto, Every City" by Lauryn Hill

Soul Food: James Baldwin and My Ideas of Selfhood

"I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all." ~James A. Baldwin

Let me tell you something about me--I am a nerd. I say that without any hint of self-deprecating charm. Truly, I straddle the line between diva and bookworm (proudly). I even read the backs of cereal boxes or fix-it manuals if there is nothing else around to read. I guess it is no surprise that I ended up being.... (drum roll please) an English educator. Seriously though, I can get lost for hours in a good (or even not so good) book.

One of the first authors I fell in love with was James Baldwin. I was a precocious reader and really had no business reading him when I was only 12 or 13. However, his critical notes and essays started a fire in me that continues to burn to this day. Why? Well, because he lived his life according to his ideas about who he should be. He refused to be defined by a society that oppressed him due to his race, sexual preference and socioeconomic status. He rewrote the rules about what is to be accepted and when he couldn't find satisfaction here, he quit this place. He left the United States and became one of the black expatriates who lived abroad. He was a man ahead of his time and beyond this place. He had fears and insecurities like the best of us, but he moved beyond that. He struggled with self-doubt and identity, but he moved beyond that. He made it his life's mission to speak truth to power and live that truth and exercise that power (in whatever ways that he could).

I chose the introductory quote because I believe that sometimes we get caught up in what has happened to us. We live in a place of "used to be" and "when I was." Absolutely, we are products of the things that have happened to us. However, we are more than those things. Whether we are privileged or not, we each have experiences that are of value to the future us. You may have done some things in the past that you are not proud of and may have moved towards redemption or enlightenment. However, self-doubt creeps in and you can't see yourself for the better you that you've become. How sad is it that you let those past experiences define who you are. In many ways, you become one dimensional, much like "Flat Stanley." I would suggest, like the ever wise Mr. Baldwin, that you are much more than that. If you find yourself living in the past or in a world of one note experiences, please know that you are much more than that. And if you find that you can't move beyond the you you feel you have to be...pick up a book, go to a museum, take up a hobby...do something differently, so that you can look at yourself through fresh eyes. Good luck!!!

Image courtesy of Google Images.

What is Soulstainable Living?

Welcome to my first post on this blog. What is Soulstainable Living? In these economically and environmentally challenging times, we are all encouraged to practice sustainable living so we can reduce our harmful effects on the environment. Well, Soulstainable Living embodies that same philosophy but focuses more on people. Being your best self, living your most authentic life so you can reduce the toxins that you deposit on your soul--that's Soulstainable Living.

How many of us are living unfulfilled lives full of "I wish I could have" and "I should have" moments? Well, surprisingly, I'm not. I'm living a life of satisfaction and I want to share that with you. Is my life perfect *station break while I laugh hysterically*, um NO, it isn't. BUT, I have found the secret to my personal brand of happiness. And I want to share that with you. I am not sure if this will be a parenting blog, a political blog, a literary blog or what. However, I do know that it will be a PERSONAL blog. I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but as I see it *excuse this interruption, but you know there is gonna be some foolishness jumping off.* Basically, this is my blog and my opinions are not attached to my job or any outside associations I may have. I OWN these words and they are mine alone.

Soulstainable Living--come in and look around. I hope you enjoy what you read, but if you don't--shut the heck up and leave; don't pollute my space with your toxic energy. Ohm! Oh yeah, please and thank you.

I look forward to getting to know you and having you get to know me through these posts. Please be patient  as I learn to navigate the blog waters. I'm just sticking my big toe in to see if the sharks are out.

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