You Can't Take Nothing That I Ain't Willing to Give...

I remember falling in love for the first time. I mean, head over heels love that left me blind, deaf, dumb and crazy (more about that later). I was so in love with this male (he was definitely NOT a man) that I couldn't see right to do right. And because he was a Do Wrong Male, he helped me on my path to a broken heart. Whatchutalkin'boutwillis? I mean, he was determined to be Playa of the Decade and so he manhandled my heart and you know what? I let him. WHAT?!! Yeah, I let him. At the time, I didn't realize that I played a part in my own tragic love story. That I had a hand in doing my ownself wrong. Yup...sad, but true.

Think about it--how many of us meet someone and we are immediately into them? We stop doing the things we used to do because we feel we need to spend every waking hour with our lover. We change our patterns to fit the schedule and whims of this new person. We become experts in him/her. I mean, you could tell someone how many times he/she blinks per second. You could recognize your lover from a distance simply from the smell of his/her fragrance. And because you are floating on air, you ignore THE SIGNS...You know, THE SIGNS. The little things that make you say, hmmmm...but you ignore them because you are floating on air: Oooo, girl he makes me feel soooo good or Man, she got it going ON!!. And because you've been lonely or you're caught up in the physical or you're just plain simple (because some of us are), you ignore the second thoughts you're having. You know...THE SIGNS!!!

Unfortunately, too many of us lack the ability of discernment. Sometimes, we trust everyone else's words and experiences but our own. We ignore the little voice in the back of our head that is trying to tell us to OPEN OUR EYES. If someone tries to tell us something to help us see the light, we accuse them of hatin' (Imma have to address Hatin' one day because I feel folks get that twisted, too, but back to the topic). We isolate ourselves in our own delusions and we ignore the little things that will become big things simply because we want what we want. At some point, I'm sure that most of us have done it. We want sooooo badly for something to work that we just overlook things that in any other situation we wouldn't tolerate. But love, lust, passion, infatuation, attraction, desire...baaaayyyybeeeee (in my N'Orleans voice), these things get in the way of clarity and good sense.

Now, y'all know I believe in love, especially good love and reciprocal love, but I also believe in doing yourself right. When I was a younger woman, I had some holes in my heart that I believed could be healed with romantic love. When I fell in love, I fell hard and I lost every ounce of sense I had. This person was a liar. Seriously. And I knew it from the very beginning. And because I needed love (a different kind, though), I surrendered my heart, my mind, my health and my womb to this Do Wrong Male. I could have gotten out at any time, but I didn't because I felt like he completed me. Sad, but true. I didn't know then, but I understand now that I needed someone to complement me, not supplement me. But he was young, too and he fell victim to the hypermasculine ideal of the Playa archetype. He was trying to be a Big Man, but really, he was only a too tall toddler in big boy clothes.

And when I finally came to my senses, pieces of me were scattered all over the place. My heart, my mind, my common sense, my pride...they were broken because I ignored THE SIGNS. I could have saved myself so much aggravation, heartache and shame had I listened to my inner voices and used my head, not my heart to lead me. But you know what? I healed and then I grew up. And from that situation I learned that I'm my best thing and that all is fair in love (and war).

When I entered the dating scene again, I was armed with knowledge and clarity. Even when I got swept off my feet by King Charming (princes were for girls and I was all woman by then), I was purposeful in my courtship. I asked questions, I looked at him for what he was (and not for who I wanted him to be). I knew that I had things that I could not and would not accept. These things were not material possessions, they were character traits. I didn't care if he had a car, but I did care if he was dishonest. I looked at the full measure of the man and didn't rush to a decision to intermingle our hearts (and bodies) quickly. So, this time I knew I didn't have to give up parts of myself to get this man. He didn't want anything that he couldn't give in return. And that was the best SIGN of all. In closing, I just want to say to be diligent about who you let in your heart and in your space. Don't give the best parts of you away to just anyone. You deserve more.

Peace.

"Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff" by Ntozake Shange performed by Alfre Woodard in the Original PBS Playhouse version of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf