New Location for Soulstainable Living (Temporarily)

One of the wonderful things to happen to me as a blogger is that I have been asked to blog for our local newspaper's online site for women. So, for the last couple of months, I have been posting on that site instead of here. I assumed that most people who read the blog follow it on Facebook, but I understand that some people who read this blog are not on FB *blush* So that being said, here is the temporary site for Soulstainable Living. I hope you will continue to follow me:

http://blogs.democratandchronicle.com/her-community/author/tgraham/

Take good care and thank you so very much for your support!!

Thank You...

I have been working hard to make some of my personal dreams come true. I work all the time to make sure that what I want will manifest in real life. I have been overwhelmed recently by the level of support that I have gotten from my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even some strangers. I'm truly appreciative of all of the blessings that come my way. I have had a hard road in some ways and I am happy to say that I am conquering the ghosts of my past, one determined action at a time. This blog has been taking off in so many directions that I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. Life is good.

I just want to say thank you for your support. Your phone calls, text messages, FB posts and in person meetings have touched me in ways that I can't fully express. I believe in taking moments out to give thanks and that's what I intend to convey to you today: THANK YOU!!! I look forward to the next directions that this blog will go. In life and in love, I wish you well.

Fantasia "I Believe"

Go Hard or ...

Today I woke up and realized that I have hustle in my heart. I mean that to say that I want more and so I do more. I'm not concerned with what other folks have going on; I know what I have in store for moi (that's "me" for the non-French speakers). Seriously. I work from sun up to sun down in order to make my dreams come true. Do you? Do you have the "go hard or go home" motto etched into the part of your brain that organizes your goals? Do you plan, plan, plan with every breath you take? Do you? Do you live and breathe for your next move? Do you? Because if you don't, well then it won't get done.

I don't know about y'all, but I know that I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I don't have a trust fund or tons of discretionary income to play around with, so I have to work hard for my money. If I don't work, I don't eat. I mean that. Yes, I have a husband and he's a great provider, but I have to contribute in my way. That's what's important to me. Even when I was a stay at home mom/wife, I worked hard. I went to school, I planned my next steps...I went hard! I founded a writing company, I wrote articles, I researched grad schools, and actually completed one graduate degree (the next is coming). I didn't just sit around and let my brain turn to mush; I worked.it.out.

Too often, we become complacent and just accept what we're given as our lot in life. We take scraps and leftovers (I'm not talking about food, here) and make do with what we've been allotted. But what I'm telling you is that you can propel yourself to greatness with whatever you have been given. You have the final say in what is for you and what isn't...period. I have a friend who is the hardest working person I know. And she doesn't just work...she excels. In fact, I have several friends like that. And you know what? We push each other further; we encourage each other to do more, to be more. And you know why: well because birds of a feather flock together (but for the record, we're eagles, not chickens). And we move in sync toward our individual paths of greatness, but we're connected to each other by our perseverance.

Listen, I'm not saying that you should live your life chasing and searching. What I am saying is that you should work hard to achieve your goals. You have to work hard to achieve your goals. Very few people have become successful by sitting on their sofas, scratching their bellies. You have to get out there and do the w.o.r.k. There aren't many freebies in life and you have to shed a little blood, a lot of sweat and even more tears. For real. Plan your work and then work the heck out of your plan. No excuses. However, you have to remember to play hard as well. Don't ignore your loved ones and laughter in pursuit of greatness. I can tell you that nothing in the world is worth losing connections to the ones you love.

Remember that you only have one life to live and this is not a dress rehearsal: it's the real deal. You have to go out and apply yourself to everything that you do. Your name should mean something to you. "You" are a brand. When people hear your name, they should know that it means quality. They should know that you handle your business in every way, every day. Period. If you say you want it, you should be willing to work for it. No excuses. Remember: go hard or go home. You can't expect for someone else to do your work for you (well, you can expect it, but it probably won't happen). You better make sure that every "i" is dotted and that every "t" is crossed. I don't care how big you get, you better handle your business. Never, ever let the business handle you. For real. You are in control. You have to believe it.

In the end, this isn't about money. It's about passion and satisfaction. Find something you are passionate about and make a plan that revolves around that. If you are passionate about what you are doing, then you will have greater satisfaction in the scope of your life. You will understand that you are made for greatness and expecting anything less than that is ludicrous. I don't care what people say about you. Let them talk. Let them eat cake. Let them sit and watch you become all you are destined to be. Take some time in the near future to outline your goals, divide them into monthly, semi-annual, annual and five-year. Then write down the work that you think it will take in order to make your dreams come true. Remember that your goals will need to be re-evaluated at times and you may not always complete them in the ways that you imagine. But remember this: a try beats a fail every time. So get out there and give this the best that you've got. Peace.

"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Making Connections: Being Reunited Does Feel Good

Remember all of the friends that you made throughout your life? The ones you were born with because your family knew their families? Do you remember the ones you met in elementary school and laughed with during recess? You remember your secondary school friends? The ones you coordinated outfits with, confided in about your first love? The ones you shared all of your teenage angst, passion and joy with? Do you remember the friends you made in college? You studied together, pledged together, hung out together and made plans to be connected all your lives because you were going to take over the world together. What about your friends you met in church, summer camp or some other activity? Your work friends that you had at a previous job? What about the friends you made when your children were small? And your kids played with their kids? Remember that you had memories upon memories of the good times that you shared with these people? Remember, you would talk to these folks all.of.the.time? (Pause for a quick walk down memory lane).

It seemed that wherever you went, you met people who shared with you, who laughed with you and who were an important part of the landscape of your life. The very fabric of your life was woven together by your interactions with these special folks. You knew they looked out for you and had your back no matter what and you did the same in return. They made each moment in their presence that much better. These were the people that you felt connected in a myriad of ways with. Remember how we all thought that everyone we ever loved would be in our lives forever? Remember? Despite our best efforts, life happened and we didn't keep in touch. We moved away, we changed schools, mindsets and availability. And people who were once very important to us, somehow became memories--faded, tucked away in the recesses of our hearts and minds. Do you remember?

As I get older I find that, while I love to meet new people, I really I love the company of folks who were a part of my early years. The years when I fumbled in my quest for identity, voice and position. I find that I really need the people who loved me and poured into me. I find that I also need to make connections with people who were significant to me in different times in my life because I need those connections to help push me to the next level of my life. For real. I know that everyone didn't have beautiful people in their lives as they were growing up, but I did. And for some reason as I get older, I want to reach out to those people. I want to reconnect and become plugged back into to their worlds. I want to be a part of their lives and I want them to share my life with me. I feel like I need it--does that make any sense? There is something inexplicable that is stirring in my soul that is pulling me back to days past. Like an archeologist, I dig for the people who I believe will be important to my future.

Recently, I have been able to connect to some great childhood friends I hadn't seen in about 25 years. We reunited through Facebook. Online, we serve as each others' cheerleaders providing encouragement and cyber love often. We became a little sorority, a modern day Three Musketeers. The funny thing is, is that I knew them from different places, but they went to school together. Our connection was like a Venn diagram, but we overlapped in all the right places: we formed a new sisterhood. In fact, I saw both of them recently when they came to our hometown for visits. And you know what? It was like no time at all passed by. We laughed, talked, danced, laughed some more, reminisced and it felt just.right. Good times were had by us all.

I also reconnected with an old work friend online. We were so close at one point, but it was the same old story: our lives changed and we lost touch. I would see her once in awhile and we would promise to get together, but it never happened. Through Facebook, we got to know each other again and realized that we needed each other still. And so we hung out in person and once again, I found that we fell right back to our usual patterns. We laughed and continued a conversation we began about 10 years ago, like we never lost touch at all. It feels good to be back in each others' lives. For real.

Late last year, I also reconnected with my high school bff in person. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we remained connected via phone. And along came FB...we saw each other all the time online and I realized how much I missed her goofy face. And so we drove 10 hours to see her and when I saw her, it felt like no time had passed. Our families clicked and we laughed and laughed and...well, it was just perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I was driving home...and then the tears came. Tears of joy, tears of absence, tears of reconnection, just tears, tears, tears. And I vowed never to let that much time pass again without actually seeing my loved ones.

And recently, I reunited with a childhood cousin from my grandfather's side of the family. I spent long hours at her mother's house with her mom, aunts, uncles and my grandparents. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and didn't recognize her for the semester she was my student (crazy, right?), but from the day we met, we had a connection we couldn't identify. It was just strong. And then one day just last week, we became FB friends and realized through a set of circumstances that we were actually family!!!! What a blessing and a true gift. I had just written about my grandfather and it felt so good to be connected to his family again. And best of all, we even reunited her mother and my grandmother who are both in their 80's!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. *tears*

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone you used to know is someone you need to know. I'm just saying that sometimes we get so bogged down by life and we lose contact (through no fault of our own) with people who have been integral to our development. Technology can sometimes get in the way of real human contact, but in my case, technology was the bridge to human contact. Hurray for FB because without it, I would never have been able to reconnect with so many of the good folks in my life. I have found other former classmates, work friends and family online; it is truly remarkable and nourishes my spirit. I encourage you to try to reestablish severed ties and make your way back to the people who remember you "when". I know that my life has been enriched in indescribable ways by these reignited connections. With each reunion, I am able to give and receive love and we all could use a bit more of that. Here's wishing you find your way back to the relationships that fed your soul and that you blossom from the love you receive. Peace.

"Love Train" by the (Mighty, Mighty) O'Jays

Defining Fatherhood: A Tribute

I didn't meet my father until I was 17. Sure I heard about a man with similar coloring, the same prominent nose and identical sense of humor, but I didn't know him. I remember being at a local shopping center with my aunt. I was about 9 years old and quite impressionable. We had gone into a shoe store and upon our exit, a slim, handsome man stopped my aunt and they chatted. She tried to encourage me to speak to him, but an unfamiliar shyness took over me and I hid (inexplicably) behind her. I would later find out that that man was my father. Even though I saw him, I never considered that "meeting" him until we were formally introduced almost nine years later. Can you imagine? Being formally introduced to your father? It defies all logic.

Despite my father's absence, I grew up with a loving father figure in my house--Frank Mitchell, my grandfather. He was an old, old man from the South. He had limited education, but what he lacked in traditional schooling, he made up for with his mastery of carpentry. He also had a sharp fashion sense. Monday through Friday, he wore his uniform of tattered dungarees with a variety of holes and stains. He would have an old cap on his head, weathered boots and a red and black square carpenter's pencil tucked behind one ear. But on the weekends? He was sharp as a tack, clean as a whistle. He would get out his old fashioned shaving kit (with the soap brush and straight razor) and proceed to groom his thin mustache to perfection. He always smelled so good and his suits? They fit him to a tee. He would put on the socks that had to be held up with sock garters; his pants even had suspenders!! Well dressed, indeed. He would put on a jaunty hat and some well polished shoes and he would look more elegant than gentlemen half his age. In fact, he taught me how to tie a tie when it was in fashion for women to wear them. He scoffed when I said that I could just buy a clip on. I'm smiling now thinking of the memory.

He had one brown eye and one blue one...how that happened I never knew. He did odd jobs and carpentry work for many people in our neighborhood and beyond. I loved those odd jobs because he would always bring me little treasures: a doll, some books, etc. These weren't old things; they were new things that someone had given to him. They knew he had a granddaughter and so they gave him things for me. Another thing I remember about him is that he LOVED baseball. I mean, loved it!! He would take his old black and white portable television and sit in our enclosed side patio watching hours of games at a time. He loved to laugh and would throw his head back to reveal some empty spaces where teeth used to be. He also loved the blues. In fact, I was the only child I knew who sang blues songs like nursery rhymes. He was a flawed man (who isn't), but he never wavered in his love for me. Never. And he was a constant figure in my life. I could always count on him up until his death when I was 18. I even eulogized him at his funeral. My family still laughs about that funeral. It was wild and crazy, just like him. Just like his life.

I don't have any memories of my father. He never came to see about me or to check on me. He didn't know if I was being treated well or if I was being misused. He never came to any of my activities and never influenced me in any way. We've tried to build a relationship over the years, but we can't seem to connect in the ways that matter. I must say that he's a phenomenal father to his other children. But with me? We are like familiar strangers who struggle to find the words to say at the right times. I know it's because I hold his feet to the fire and make him accountable for his words. He resents that, but I'm grown now. I don't need him like I used to and I won't allow him to lie to me like I don't know any better. We've talked; he's promised and sadly, he's fallen short. So this year I decided to cut him out of my life for good. It's a self-preservation tactic that is my last resort to save my heart from further damage. Sad, but necessary. I don't wish him any ill and I don't harbor too much anger about his lack of presence in my life. It took me awhile to come to this decision and I really don't regret it. You know why? Because the truth is, my real father died when I was 18.

But this isn't a sad testament to Father's Day. Because of my vastly different experiences with "fathers", I want to acknowledge the father of my children, my husband. So here is an open letter to him on the day that we celebrate the fathers in our lives:

Happy Father's Day. I want to thank you for all that you have poured into our children. I love that you push them beyond the boundaries of the expectations they have for themselves. I love that you encourage artistic expressions and intellectual pursuits with equal fervor. Thank you for showing them that being there isn't enough--sharing yourself with them fully is the only way that you parent. I appreciate that you have taken my nephew into our fold and that you treat him like one of your own. And no one can tell the difference. I thank you for showing your true self (flaws and all) to our sons so they can have a model for manhood. I appreciate that you talk with our daughter about what she should expect from future suitors. I love that you enjoy these kids with everything you have, calling them "your crew" as you run rampant around the city with them in tow. I laugh just thinking about the numbers of people who say they've seen you at (insert event or location) with the kids and that you looked like you were having fun. Overall, I want to thank you for not allowing your own absentee father to turn you into a bitter, distant man who abandoned his own children. You are a man beyond measure, a father extraordinaire. Thank you for blessing our family with your love.

I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of the men who are fathers to their children or someone else's. May you enjoy all of the best that the universe has to offer. Your love and guidance will impact your children in ways that cannot be defined. Peace.

"Be a Father to Your Child" by Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs

Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

Funky, Chunky and the Rest of Those Non-Show Stopping Monkeys

* Please note that the monkeys that I am talking about are not intended to infer the racially insensitive monkey/ape references used to diminish the character of Black folks. I'm speaking to the old African proverb that directly addresses metaphorical monkeys. #sonowyouknow

Today I posted a Facebook (FB) status that included the following side note (SN): one monkey don't stop no show. This colloquial manifesto has aided many folks throughout the times to let other folks know that their actions won't deter progress. In Broadway-esque terms: the show must go on. After posting this "stat" (learn FB lingo), I was surprised at how quickly my friends "liked" my message. I got many cyber daps, fist pumps, and hallelujah hand waves (that's from the Chu'uch) in agreement. This seemingly last minute addition to my morning greeting empowered folks with its simplicity and its profundity. I know how relevant it was in my own experience, but I guess it surprised me that folks had been dealing with the same sort of inflated egos that I had been dealing with.

I am often amazed by how many adults exhibit child-like behaviors when things don't go their way. They have the equivalent of a temper tantrum by shutting you out and trying to shut you up. These are the same adults who will let you know how grown they are, but really they are too tall toddlers. Seriously...Where dey do dat at? (Translation: why do you find that behavior acceptable?) Instead of sitting down like rational beings and trying to come to a compromise, they play the victim role and try to impede your actions (Passive Aggression 101). That's not kosher. In my understanding, adults disagree. That's expected. But it's not the disagreement that's problematic; it's the way it's handled. For example: I love my husband, but we don't always have the same viewpoints on stuff and so we disagree (surprise!). But (and this is important), he's not cussing me out and I'm not cussing him out. Neither one of us is calling each other names or talking about the other's mother. You know why? Because we respect each other. However, we do disagree and then we discuss. And you know what? Most times we even come to a compromise that allows us both to protect our self-hood and be whole people. That's grown up.

Now, them showstopping monkeys? Well, they don't want to do that. Some of them cuss, scream, shout, etc. Monkeys acting like donkeys...this leaves me shaking my head. I can't stand dramatic donkey (er, um...monkey) antics. But not all monkeys act up out loud. Some of them just quit. Or try to get you to quit. Or walk away. Some of them try to interrupt your flow (and maybe even your money), by trying to pull rank and closing down shop. *Insert side-eye.* Once again, where dey do dat at? What would make someone (or several somebodies) think that they had that much power over your life or your actions? Get over yourself. Fareal fareal. And why would you even want to try to control someone with "bully-baby" strategies? It's ridiculous to the point that it's laughable. But you know what? It's actually pretty sad. You know why? Because everybody has his/her own something. We each have stuff that we are dealing with. That's the truth of the world. Now another truth is that no one wants to deal with showstopping monkeys because you can't trust their actions or reactions. I know I don't. I don't like quitters, but I can't stand emotional bullies. I don't want anyone to think that they can force my hand by trying to press my buttons. #it'snotthateasy.

See, I believe in living an untethered life. This means that I don't want to owe anybody anything. But (and this is a big but), I understand that people need people. And so I treat people the way that I want to be treated. Considering this, I learn to compromise. I learn to work in spaces that allow other people to grow and prosper. It isn't my mission to diminish or control. That's not how I live my life. I want all beings to have the right to full governance of self. Seriously. Who wants to hang with a bunch of sheep who can't make up their own minds? I don't. I love rolling with a crew of folks with sharpened minds who move in their own spaces. I love hanging with confident people who trust me enough to know that I love them even in disagreement. My loyalty isn't fickle and neither am I. Remember that you should never allow anyone's actions to dictate the framework of your existence. You are powerful in your independent thoughts and actions. You should always have a fall back plan if things fall apart. Never construct your dreams based on anyone else's definitions. And remember: one monkey don't stop no show. Peace.

Lauryn Hill "Forgive Them Father"

Mind Tricks: Why Mental Illness is No Laughing Matter

I’ve been struggling to write this post for a month. Why? Well, because it’s personal; but that’s not the whole truth because I have shared many personal things on this blog. But it’s not my personal, it’s someone else’s story. Well, that’s not the whole truth either because it’s my story, too. What could be so hard to write about, especially for me when I pride myself on my ability to put.things.into.words? What could be so difficult for me to write about that I have been writing this post in my head for the past month? Even as I try to type, I feel anxious and even a little scared. Truly. Because sometimes, things can’t be written as truth. There is always something else just up under the surface, existing between the lines. In these spaces, we can see the truth more clearly, but to paraphrase a well known movie, “can we handle the truth?” Well, this time, it’s hard, but here goes…

For the longest time, I have known that there were several members of my family who existed in their own spaces. I don’t mean in that ethereal, existentialist space where one questions the state of being. I don’t mean a hippy, dippy, trippy space that’s all dandelions and sunflowers. I’m talking about alternate spaces rooted in pain and identity and chaos and…The truth is, is that several members of my family suffer from mental illness. I need to say that again. Several members of my family suffer from mental illness. That’s something to say, especially among Black folks. I don’t know why, but there is such a stigma surrounding mental illness. I mean, in every community there is some needless embarrassment around the topic, but for Black folks? Well, just chalk it up as another thing that keeps us down. Seriously. And the sad fact is that we don’t usually even validate mental illness as an illness. We consider it a weakness, some sort of deficit. We make excuses for the erratic behavior and may even joke about it: “Girl, you know such and such is a little off. He shouldn’t have (insert some unconnected activity).” Or “She’s just extra. She’s always trying to get some attention.” I know it because I’ve said those things, too. *hangs head* But now I know better and I’m telling you…it’s real.

I had to get this post out this month because May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And I have some personal reasons that this month is significant especially when it comes to issues of mental illness. Two years ago this month, my son’s high school music teacher committed suicide. (He had her for six years; as a music major, he saw her daily). Sadly, she had tried to kill herself several times throughout her life and had been unsuccessful (or perhaps, she had been successful at living?). Well, she had been falling apart just prior to that and many folks were trying to save her life. But she couldn’t be saved because she thought her salvation was on the other side. Their attempts to make her see her worth were pointless because for her, in her mind, she was unloveable, of little value. And so, armed with misinformation about her personhood, she hanged herself in a hotel room in the middle of the week (on my birthday, no less).

She didn’t see any way out and so she took her own life, but it really wasn’t hers to take. She belonged to the world and was so significant, but…she took her own life and we were left to pick up the pieces of her fractured existence. We asked why and why and why some more, but there were/are no answers. Looking at her life and her photo board at her wake, we could see where she started coming undone. Unstrung and unstable, she leaped from this world into the next, praying it would be easier (I think). But we know that she wasn’t in her clear mind. She was in the throes of her illness and no one could decode her need and speak to her in a way that would save her life. And so she leaped from this world into the next and my son, along with countless others grieved this brilliant, vivacious, creative, talented, gifted teacher. As my son delivered a heartfelt message at a school memorial service, I knew that mental illness was real.

And then this year, right before May came in good, one of my closest relatives tried to take their (it’s not proper grammar, but I’m trying to maintain some anonymity) own life. A cocktail of liquor and pills combined with fast moving traffic was almost lethal enough to end my relative’s life. *insert tears* This relative is like my own child and my heart broke in countless places at the thought of losing one of my heart’s children. Someone connected to me by blood. I knew that this person wrestled with demons new and old. In fact, this person had been diagnosed with a mental illness almost a decade prior and had been existing without any treatment.

But you know what? Self-medication is a monster. The many ways that this relative coped put their life at risk tenfold. But you know what? It didn’t even matter because they thought they were winning. Thought they had triumphed over the demons and silenced the voices in their head. But, guess what? That demon lay dormant and when it raged, bayyyyybeeee, it was a monster. It attached itself twentyfold and wreaked havoc on this relative’s mind, body and spirit. It spoke in foreign tongues, whispering in shadows and teasing with it’s just out of bounds behavior. And then it pounced…that demon rode my relative bareback into a kaleidoscope of confusion, fear and surrender. And then came the liquor, and the pills and the fast moving cars for my relative to play chicken with…But that day, the demon didn’t win…and so as this relative works to rebuild their life with medication and counseling, we will see if the demon can be held at bay.

So this is what propelled me to share this story with you. The thought of burying my relative sent me into a spiral of anger, fear, grief, sorrow and helplessness. What to do? What to do? And so I sit here and I write. I write in hope that we can each work towards saving someone’s life. When someone you love is going through a hard time and they just can’t shake their sadness, they might need intervention because they might have a mental illness. Not every time, but sometimes. And we can't take the risk of hoping they'll be fine, of wishing they'll get over it. We simply can't. And so we ask questions and offer comfort. We should encourage counseling and acceptance. We need to create a safe space where people can work out their own stuff without judgement. No harm, only healing. I don’t have any answers, but what I do know is that we need to make sure that we are open to whatever ails folks. We never know when or if we will be the ones in need. Peace.

Donny Hathaway "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" (I chose this Donny Hathaway track because he had a well documented history of mental illness)

It's My Birthday and...

I’m not gonna cry!! Listen, this day is all about celebration. It’s about me, myself and I. Like Virginia Slims, I have come a lonnnnnng way, baby. I don’t know if I came into this world kicking and screaming, but I know that I was definitely born to fight. I am battle ready, but you know what? I’m also love ready. As much as I am able to git.up.in.yo.stuff, I prefer the gentle treatment. I’m mostly smiles and gentle words because life is hard enough. Why do I need to make it any harder with donkey antics? I pride myself on my manners and hope that I will be able to maintain my grace for at least the next 38 years.

In these 38 years, I have seen some of the darkest spaces in human nature, but I prefer to focus on the beauty that surrounds me. Too often we allow ourselves to become burdened by the many unfair things that happened to us as children. I have decided that I am not responsible for the things I could not control and so I forgive those who have added to the pain in my past. Truly. It wasn’t easy or quick, but it was worth the work and wait. I promise you that for the first time in a long time, I am living my life like it’s golden (or I’m golden—take your pick).

I believe that I have been a walking paradox my whole life. I am the unwanted, chosen child. I am the fretful free spirit. I am the first born who was raised in a house as the youngest member. I am a child at heart with an old soul. I am all that I never thought I could be, but believed I was supposed to be. Funny, isn’t it?? At times, I played myself small because I didn’t see myself in my fully recognized form. I shrunk into dark spaces, so that my shine wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes. I didn’t believe I could fly because no one around me seemed to be able to. Folks were maintaining; who had time for dreaming? I was so full of myself that I could have burst, but I couldn't find my voice. I was never afraid of failure, but absolutely terrified of success. Funny isn’t it?? But maybe, it’s just a little bit sad.

It’s my birthday, but I'll be damned if I cry because for 38 years I have triumphed over adversity, both large and small. I have tangoed with demons—some, my own and the others, well…let’s just say they weren’t mine. But you know what? I have laughed in the rain and been kissed by the moon. In my time, I have held Heaven in my hands, played in the stars, sang with the trees. I have double-dutched under rainbows and danced on the sun. I have survived, I have thrived and I have arrived. In my 38 years.

In my 38 years, I have amassed a treasure trove of blessings. I have beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a supportive grandma, great friends and a loving family. I have a ready mind and a fighting spirit. I have most of my health and all of my worth. I have a quick wit and a hearty laugh. I have a fantastic job and a defined purpose. I have a gift of discernment and the freedom of speech. I have my ups, my downs, my tragedy and my triumph. I have a clear vision and focused action. I have a wealth of talent and a rich existence. I have a steel spine and a soft heart. I have compassion and passion. I have common sense and book smarts. I have life, truth and love. I have options. I have freedom and boundaries and you know what? I have me, myself and I (that’s 38 things, in case you were wondering).

Today is my day. Today is a day to celebrate who and how I am. This is a day for gratitude and reflection. I want to thank my grandmother for pouring love into me and helping me get to this point in my life. She has always believed in me and loved me, even when I didn’t always love myself. She stood in the gaps that my parents’ absences left. For this, I am grateful. And so as I usher in my 38th birthday, I want to thank her from the very depths of my soul. Because even though she didn’t push me into this world; she’s helped me navigate around this world--pushing me along the way. So Happy Birthday to me, but I owe my chance at a happy life to her. And today, (in the words of India Arie) “I’m celebrating the woman I’ve become." Peace.

India Arie "Private Party"

Gratitude is the Right Attitude

How many of us say, "Thank you?" I don't mean just when someone gives you change at the grocery store or gives you a gift. I'm serious. How many of us express our gratitude on a consistent basis for things like being a good friend or a good listener? The old folks have a saying that one should "give me my roses while I'm alive." What that means is that we should tell folks all of the positive things we feel about them when they are alive to enjoy them. I mean a funeral eulogy is great, but that is really for everyone else (because um, well, you can't hear them). "Give me my roses while I'm alive."

I believe that we should express our gratitude loudly and often. For real. We get so consumed with the negativity and craziness of our daily lives and we sometimes forget to say "thank you." Seriously. Some of you might be shaking your heads and are wondering if I'm crazy or not. Well, the truth is is that I might be crazy, but I'm never ungrateful. For instance, today I asked folks to like my page on FB and they did. Thank you!!! I'm not feeling well and my grandma came over and did what she does everyday--love me up. Thank you!! Today, I was able to get out of bed, albeit shakily, and put my feet on the floor. Thank you!!

I'm writing this post out of my own need to look at the brighter side. I have been having a rough week and I have found out that some folks I liked a whole lot were shady. So I was feeling sorry for myself for a moment and then one of my kids walked past and gave me a hug. For no reason at. all. And then that same kid said, "Thank you for being a great mom!!" And then walked out of the room. Thank me? No, thank you, you grateful kid!! Thank you, indeed!! Those spoken words of gratitude reignited my spirit and pulled me out of my slump of self-pity. I could remember my worth because I had just been told I was important and that someone appreciated me. Thank you.

So here are my thank yous: Thank you to my family and friends for everything you do to keep me intact, especially my husband, our kids and my grandma. Thank you to all of the people who love me and sustain me in my daily journey. Thank you to my true blue bonafide grown up girlpie crew. Thank you to all of you who have supported my growth and development. Thank you to those of you who have my back and take up for me when I'm too tired to fight. Thank you to the ones who push me to write more, read more, teach more, laugh more, do more, etc...Thank you to everyone who contributes anything artistic to the world because it inspires me as I enjoy it. Thank you to anyone who champions the causes of those who can't advocate for themselves. Thank you to anyone who is trying to make this world a better place and believes that people are worth saving. Thank you for being you and for reading this and for anything, everything that you do to add to the life of someone else. A million times--THANK YOU!!!

India Arie "Little Things"

You Can't Take Nothing That I Ain't Willing to Give...

I remember falling in love for the first time. I mean, head over heels love that left me blind, deaf, dumb and crazy (more about that later). I was so in love with this male (he was definitely NOT a man) that I couldn't see right to do right. And because he was a Do Wrong Male, he helped me on my path to a broken heart. Whatchutalkin'boutwillis? I mean, he was determined to be Playa of the Decade and so he manhandled my heart and you know what? I let him. WHAT?!! Yeah, I let him. At the time, I didn't realize that I played a part in my own tragic love story. That I had a hand in doing my ownself wrong. Yup...sad, but true.

Think about it--how many of us meet someone and we are immediately into them? We stop doing the things we used to do because we feel we need to spend every waking hour with our lover. We change our patterns to fit the schedule and whims of this new person. We become experts in him/her. I mean, you could tell someone how many times he/she blinks per second. You could recognize your lover from a distance simply from the smell of his/her fragrance. And because you are floating on air, you ignore THE SIGNS...You know, THE SIGNS. The little things that make you say, hmmmm...but you ignore them because you are floating on air: Oooo, girl he makes me feel soooo good or Man, she got it going ON!!. And because you've been lonely or you're caught up in the physical or you're just plain simple (because some of us are), you ignore the second thoughts you're having. You know...THE SIGNS!!!

Unfortunately, too many of us lack the ability of discernment. Sometimes, we trust everyone else's words and experiences but our own. We ignore the little voice in the back of our head that is trying to tell us to OPEN OUR EYES. If someone tries to tell us something to help us see the light, we accuse them of hatin' (Imma have to address Hatin' one day because I feel folks get that twisted, too, but back to the topic). We isolate ourselves in our own delusions and we ignore the little things that will become big things simply because we want what we want. At some point, I'm sure that most of us have done it. We want sooooo badly for something to work that we just overlook things that in any other situation we wouldn't tolerate. But love, lust, passion, infatuation, attraction, desire...baaaayyyybeeeee (in my N'Orleans voice), these things get in the way of clarity and good sense.

Now, y'all know I believe in love, especially good love and reciprocal love, but I also believe in doing yourself right. When I was a younger woman, I had some holes in my heart that I believed could be healed with romantic love. When I fell in love, I fell hard and I lost every ounce of sense I had. This person was a liar. Seriously. And I knew it from the very beginning. And because I needed love (a different kind, though), I surrendered my heart, my mind, my health and my womb to this Do Wrong Male. I could have gotten out at any time, but I didn't because I felt like he completed me. Sad, but true. I didn't know then, but I understand now that I needed someone to complement me, not supplement me. But he was young, too and he fell victim to the hypermasculine ideal of the Playa archetype. He was trying to be a Big Man, but really, he was only a too tall toddler in big boy clothes.

And when I finally came to my senses, pieces of me were scattered all over the place. My heart, my mind, my common sense, my pride...they were broken because I ignored THE SIGNS. I could have saved myself so much aggravation, heartache and shame had I listened to my inner voices and used my head, not my heart to lead me. But you know what? I healed and then I grew up. And from that situation I learned that I'm my best thing and that all is fair in love (and war).

When I entered the dating scene again, I was armed with knowledge and clarity. Even when I got swept off my feet by King Charming (princes were for girls and I was all woman by then), I was purposeful in my courtship. I asked questions, I looked at him for what he was (and not for who I wanted him to be). I knew that I had things that I could not and would not accept. These things were not material possessions, they were character traits. I didn't care if he had a car, but I did care if he was dishonest. I looked at the full measure of the man and didn't rush to a decision to intermingle our hearts (and bodies) quickly. So, this time I knew I didn't have to give up parts of myself to get this man. He didn't want anything that he couldn't give in return. And that was the best SIGN of all. In closing, I just want to say to be diligent about who you let in your heart and in your space. Don't give the best parts of you away to just anyone. You deserve more.

Peace.

"Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff" by Ntozake Shange performed by Alfre Woodard in the Original PBS Playhouse version of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf

Representing Character or Are You Who You Say You Are?

A friend of mine often posts on FB regarding the difference between Character and Reputation: "Your reputation is what other people think of you; your character is who you really are.” And then she takes it one step further, "Would your character and your reputation recognize each other if they met on the street?" WHOA!!! Now, that's some deep stuff for your mind! Think about it: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are? That might need repeating: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are?

Too often, many of us get caught up in trying to be something that we aren't. We portray ourselves to believe in this or to believe in that. When all the while, we are lying to ourselves and to others. We might believe in one thing, but we do something else entirely. We have adopted personas to fit with whatever others see as acceptable. These social masks get in the way of how we deal with others and sadly, how we deal with ourselves. Sometimes, in private, we do things that we publicly condemn (insert side eye). Sometimes, we engage in discussions or actions that we have stated that we abhor. Sometimes, not all the time. But once in awhile is enough to change who you proclaim to be. Now, make no mistake. I'm not talking about knowing how to behave in different situations and adjusting your behaviors accordingly. That's grown up and indicates a certain level of understanding. No, I'm talking about those folks who talk out of both sides of their mouths, who would have you believe that they are upright, solid and stable, but in the dark...baybeeee, they are a whole 'nuther animal. Fareal.

We see the duplicitous actions of many folks whenever we look at the news. Anti-gay, homophobic ministers caught engaging in homosexual actions. We see police officers who break the laws they have sworn to uphold; teachers sleeping with their students; bankers stealing money from their customers and...I could go on and on. It's a shame that we have lost sight of the fundamentals of being true to oneself. If you're low down, be low down. Announce it; wear it proudly. Don't portray yourself to be good and you know you are bad--simple. I mean that. If your character is in check and your walk is the same as your talk, then you are all right with me. I like upfront people, the folks who are "straight up and down." I can't stand a double dealing, two timing, back stabbing mickey fickey at'all.

Are you who you say you are? Are your credentials in check for who you present yourself to be? Can you look yourself in the face at the end of the day and say, "I've been truthful in my actions and purposeful in my deeds?" Huh? Can you? If your friends, relatives, colleagues, associates, students, customers, whomever could see you "out of uniform" would they be surprised by your actions? Now, I'm not trying to say that we should strive to be perfect robots who never have fun. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that the core of who you are should be consistent with what/who/how you present yourself to others. You should not be caught "with your pants down" (figuratively and/or literally).

Listen, in every moment you should live out your truths. And in that living, you should be consistent in character and in reputation. You should strive to make sure that you are who you say you are. Skeletons in your closet can come back to haunt you and can ruin your life and/or the lives of others. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get this opportunity to be your best you. You don't live in a bubble or exist in a vacuum. Be sure to make your interactions with others as meaningful as possible. When you find yourself slipping, just remember to ask yourself, "Is my character in line with my reputation?" Peace.

"We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar*

(My comments: This poem represents one of the ways that our ancestors had to wear a "mask" for survival; today we have options. Let the only masks we present to the world be for the benefit of humankind and never for selfish reasons.)

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

*Poem courtesy of http://www.dunbarsite.org and image courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com.

Friday Flirt: Giving Good Love

It's been awhile since I've done a Friday Flirt, so I wanted to get back to the basics and talk about love...good love. In many of our lives, we have battle scars from love gone bad. Tales of "he did me wrong" or "she was a mistake" pepper our conversations at every turn. We hear stories of love gone right and may shake our heads with a disbelieving, "yeah, whatever." Through our own experiences, we may have become bitter and skeptical about whether true love exists. Somewhere, though, in the recesses of our hearts, a memory still lingers of a time when we believed...

Let me try to restore your faith: love is real. Let me say it again: love is real. I know lots of couples who are living their lives full of love and joy. Couples who deal with the complexities of every day living and still manage to give and receive good love. Notice I said, give and receive. At the heart of any good love experience is reciprocity. If I give my all, then you must give your all. Good love, indeed.

How many of us who are in relationships, take the time to make space for our lovers? I don't mean in a way that suffocates who and how you are. I mean in a way that is mutually satisfying. Do you support your lover's interests? Are you invested in his/her dreams? Do you take the time to check in with your lover to make sure that he/she is feeling protected, encouraged, cherished, etc...? Do you? Because that's how you cultivate good love. Think about it: when you are growing your garden, you must nourish your potential crops with plenty of water and sunshine. You have to put in a consistent amount of work to get the desired result. And if you want to reap the benefits of your hard work, you pay attention to any negative change and adjust your actions accordingly. And that is what you must do if you want good love. You pay attention to your lover and feed your relationship properly. If things start to go awry, you check them out and fix what you can--if you want the desired results.

Too many of us may lose sight of the fact that there are two people in a relationship. We let external forces create chaos in our coupledom. I don't mean when you are in a messed up situation and your people try to save you from yourself (y'all know how that can be). No, I'm talking about two people who are living and loving and making mistakes along the way as they navigate the course of their relationship. Unfortunately, things that can be handled between them, may get inflated when outside folks add their opinions. Once you shake and stir what other folks add, you might end up with a mess. Fareal. However, good love requires that two people who are fully invested in the pursuit of mutual togetherness remember that they have to protect their union. Together.

Many of you may be wondering what does good love look like? I believe that good love is consistent. For me, that is an important element. I don't want you acting sometime-y and moody when it comes to matters of the heart. Even in the midst of conflict, I need to know that your love for me is still present. I believe that good love is honest, period. None of that wishy-washy hemming and hawing. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Period. There also needs to be respect. Good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good love should be strong, palpable. I want to feel it to my marrow. I don't want to guess or read some hidden clues that you love me. Fareal. There should be communication: physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Ultimately, I want you to love me like I love you. To give 100% in all ways, always. It's simply not negotiable.

I know what good love feels like because I am in a relationship that satisfies me to the core of my being. When I speak of my lover, you hear the chimes of our wedding bells. Even in our disconnections, we are still connected in myriad ways that serve to balance out our bond. For those of you who seek good love, I wish that you can experience it without fear. I wish that you can have your heart stimulated by good love that awakens a desire so strong it makes your knees buckle. I wish you kisses by the light of the moon and whispered love talk that makes you blush at the memory. I wish you love so good that you wear it like a badge of honor. I wish you love, love, everlasting love that fills all your empty places and gives you wings. I wish you a love so good, that it's good...Peace.

"Body and Soul" by Anita Baker (and yes, I know she has a song called, "Good Love")

Self Love is the Best Love

This post is an urgent message to all of you out there. It's about the ways we do ourselves wrong and compromise our personal development through our treatment of ourselves. It's about the myriad ways we make ourselves available to others, but take no time to be nice to ourselves. Think about it---when was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and said, "I love you?" Seriously. When was the last time you wrote yourself a letter and professed your undying love to you? Fareal. Sent yourself some flowers? Bought yourself a gift? Wrote a list of your best characteristics? Huh, when was it? I'm not trying to be facetious; I mean it. We spend so much of our time in busy mode, or crisis mode, or helping everyone mode or whatever mode that we may miss out on the goodness of our ownselves.

If I ask you what was the last nice thing you did for yourself, would you be able to name it? Quickly: tell me what's the last nice thing you did for yourself (10 seconds only...10, 9, 8, 7...). Okay time's up; could you do it? If you came up with something, was it really just for you or did it benefit everyone else around you (e.g: a vacuum cleaner for a gift? Um. That's not really for you)? See, that's it right there. Not too many of us can really say that we took some time to be self-ish (not selfish, because that's something different). Not many of us even knows what true "Me time" means.

Can you fully disconnect from the world and just indulge in the luxury of you? Yeah, you. Because your personal time is a luxury, but we often forget that. We squander our time and put ourselves low on the "to do" list. We say we don't have the time to look after ourselves. You know why? Because we give so much of our time away to everyone else, anyone else, that we forget all about ourselves. Sad, but true. But the truth is that we do have time, but we don't often value ourselves enough to use our time on us. We need to recognize our worth and put ourselves on our personal agendas because we need attention, too.

Think about it: if someone calls us to do something or be somewhere, many of us will drop whatever it is that we are doing and grab our capes and head out the door on a rescue mission (Here I Come to Save the Day). But when we are in need, when our bodies ache, our spirits hurt, our minds burn, we put our own healing and our own needs on the back burner. We say, "Oh, I'll get some rest later" or "Oh, I'll be fine", when really, we are coming apart at the seams. We are stressed to our core, but we ignore the warning signs of our own self-sacrifice. People, we have got to do better!!!!!

Listen, you can't love someone else more than you love yourself. Well, you can, but you SHOULDN'T!!! Yeah, I said it. You should love yourself more than you love anyone else. You know why? Because when you love yourself more, you will be able to treat people better and give the best of yourself to those who deserve it. It's true. When you know who and how you are, when you know your likes and dislikes and when you know your purpose and your worth, you will be your best you! You will be able to give without worry, love without fear and grow without limits. How does it go? "To thine ownself be true" and "Charity begins at home." We haven't been listening y'all, but we need to start because we are our own best thing.

Being a better person starts with you. There is nothing external that can fuel your growth like good old fashioned self-reflection combined with purposeful action. You are beautifully created and you are designed for greatness. In every moment, you have the potential to change a life, including yours. Take time out to know the ins and outs of your being. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you (insert name)" and mean it. If you have some work to do on fixing your stuff (baggage, family history, addictions, anger, etc.), then do it...now. But be loving and gentle and kind to you because there is truly only one you. And at the end of the day, you are all you have. So take good care of your inner and outer selves. Because, you know what? You're worth it.

Peace.

Lizz Wright "Open Your Eyes, You Can Fly"

Spring Cleaning: Getting Rid of Donkeys

Some of y'all might remember my post on reciprocity. If not, see it here. Well, I mentioned how you should treat people how they treat you: give a little; get a little. I like the idea of "one hand washes the other." But I want to revisit the idea of reciprocity because I think it has another layer. I've been thinking on this since I wrote my last post. Here's the deal--I try to treat people well. However, I've been noticing that some people want, no, expect good treatment even when they give you their butts to kiss. And they feel comfortable enough to mistreat you in ways that are unmistakable. Say what? (Insert sassy 70's soul posturing). It's the truth. I have had my share of dealing with donkeys and they seem to expect you to overlook their bad behaviors 'cause that's just how they are. #growup.

You know the type: moody, sometime-y (it's a word, move along), dramatic, etc. And they always have something going on. Something that usually doesn't involve you, but somehow gets you caught up in it. Amazingly, they feel that their "stuff" is more significant than yours and just oh, well, you should understand 'cause that's how they are. *blank stare* I should? Well, then tell me the part where I get to do the same to you and you understand?! Ha! Naw, Homey don't play that! I mean, Homey can't play that. Fareal. Listen, the world is a hard enough place without having to drag the carcasses of other folks' dead souls along with you. Seriously. We live our lives on hamster wheels, constantly in search of the thing that will bring us satisfaction. Dealing with negative energy will never sustain you. Ne.ver. Let me be perfectly clear: dealing with toxic people will drain your energy. So, save yourself. Cut them out of your lives completely.

Toxic people are emotional bullies. They use a variety of tactics to bring you down to their level. It's ridiculous. If you have a strong sense of who you are, then no one can break your resolve. I know that I have been through some stuff in my life and I understand that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. And in the time you have on Earth (or wherever you are in the galaxy), you make sure that you surround yourself with folks who love you and will support you. Consistently. Not just when they feel like it or when you do what they want you to. I mean, surround yourself with people who will build you up, but never hold you up in your wrongdoing. People who, in spite of your flaws (or because of them), love you still.

So, today I am doing some Spring cleaning. Let me make my public announcement: (tapping mic and clearing my throat): I will no longer allow the unfortunate ones to take up space in my world. Your inconsistent behavior is draining and I refuse to let you occupy one more inch of my space. I am releasing you from any personal connections to me. It's my final act of reciprocity. *exhale* Listen, life is too short to deal with folks who steal your joy. You determine who is important enough to warrant your time, your energy, your you. Seriously. You don't have to bargain for your place in anyone's world. If folks can't be bothered with or by you--hakuna matata (no worries). Cut them out of your world and keep it steppin'. You'll be a better person for it.

Peace!

Lauryn Hill "Lost Ones"

Channeling Dr. Doolittle or Dealing With Donkeys

Ok, so before you think I have lost my mind, let me tell you who I define as "donkeys."* Donkeys (no offense to the beast of burden) are difficult people who make your life miserable for no reason AT. ALL. In other words, they're jack@sses.

No matter who you are, even the most non-judgmental of us have had to deal with so-called Donkeys. They're everywhere: at home, at school, in the workplace, at church and in the department store parking lot (to name a few areas). Their sole purpose is to permeate the air with negative energy and bad vibes. They are harbingers of doom and signal that some terrible stuff is about to go down whenever they come around. I'm serious: you've seen them, sitting somewhere looking sour, faces all screwed up, just terrible...Now, it's not my mission in life to change people (hey, you can't help folks who don't want to be helped), but I can't take the Donkeys. Fareal. Fareal.

Riddle me this: if you are miserable and unhappy within yourself, why can't you keep that to yourself? Seriously. Because Donkeys are known to be otherwise stingy with their stuff (material things, good energy), why can't they keep their att-i-tudes to themselves? I guess that sounds too much like right. Why be miserable by yourself when you can darken someone else's day? (Insert side eye and raised eyebrow here). I guess it's our own fault though. We are becoming a society that celebrates cat fights, rude behavior and adult tantrums. Why be a civilized society when we can scream, shout, bellow or yell and have that substitute for communication? Geesh, Donkeys are taking over the world.

Now as this post is about dealing with Donkeys, I should probably give you a couple of tips on how to actually deal with them:

1) My top way to deal with Donkeys is DON'T. If you can help it, avoid them at all costs. If not, they will be like the dementors in Harry Potter--they will drain your souls. So if you don't have to share air with them, keep it moving. Trust me. You're better off.

Unfortunately, there are times that you have to deal with Donkeys (see above situations), so here are some ways to handle them:

1) If you have to deal with Donkeys (like at work or for a special project), try to limit the amount of time you actually have to talk to them. When you have to talk to them, be sure that you keep it focused on the task at hand. The minute the Donkey starts to stray off topic, get him/her back on track. You don't want to encourage negative conversation, malicious gossip or plain old grumbling. Don't get sucked into becoming a member of Donkeyville because some Donkeys are charming. Before you know it, you're griping and complaining, too.

2) Tell yourself, "it's them, not me." If you have to deal with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it's them. No matter how compelling the arguments are, negative people always see the worst in things. Their rose colored glasses focus on the thorns. Don't let their visions cloud your perspective. That's just their perspectives, don't let it become yours.

After you deal with Donkeys, you probably should hug a child, follow a rainbow, pat a fluffy dog, rock in a corner (you might be traumatized, ok?)...Whatever you do, be sure to purge their negative energy to remove it from your space. Negative people are toxic. Negative energy is toxic. Run!!! You don't want to get any of that on you. You might not be able to control what people do, but you can control what you allow to reside in your spirit. Negative people are draining; they exhaust the universe with their perpetual output of venom. If you are the person that I speak of, go get some counseling. Fareal. Get that mess fixed. Stop being a super toddler and get your tantrums in check! Seriously. It ain't cute and someone should have told you about that. Stop living your life at half empty; the world is much better enjoyed half full (even when it's shaken and/or stirred).

But for the rest of us who aren't Donkeys, protect yourself when interacting with them. Remember: no matter who you have to deal with, be sure that you live a life of abundance. Recognize that there is joy in every breath and purpose in every action. Peace.

*Name calling isn't nice, but the truth is the truth. Some folks are just plain ole nasty. And calling them Donkeys is nicer than some things they can be called.

Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"

Self-Check: I Know Who I Am--Do You?

Recently, I have experienced some dealings with folks that have made me do a self-check. But that's right up my alley because I like to check in on my stuff. I like to make sure that I take stock of my characteristics to make sure that I am keeping in line with becoming who I want to be. Unfortunately, because I am very nice, I come in contact with some very broken people that other people don't want to deal with. Now usually I don't mind dealing with the broken folks because I'm a work in progress myself. So, it's all good. But you know what makes me shake my head? When people who are so far from having their stuff together try to put you in check about being on the right path--where dey do dat at? (Slang was necessary, stay with me).

Now, I say that with no malice or meanness because as my grandma says, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." So I understand that broken people can help you and your self-development. But what always boggles my mind is how do folks get mad at you for having your stuff together? I mean, really. How can folks get mad at you for minding your own business and doing what works for you? I have never been too arrogant to believe that my way is the only way in the world. But you know what? It works for me!! Yup, it.works.for.me. So, instead of criticizing someone else (or me) for being on his/her grind, make sure that you have your stuff together. People spend far too much energy "hating" on what someone else has. Everything ain't for you! Yeah, I said it. Everyone will not be financially successful, physically fit, emotionally stable, etc. It's the way of the world. As long as there are haves, there will be have-nots. And I'm not talking about the world in terms of illness, poverty, abuse, etc. Because those who have should work hard to help those who need help. What I'm talking about is some good and grown folks who don't handle their business and find ways to put down the efforts of those who are doing the right thing.

One of the sad testimonies about the way our world is going is that if you do the right thing, you are considered to be self-righteous. If I'm not judging you and your immoral ways, leave me alone. Fuh real! People who do drugs, sell drugs, lie, cheat, steal, etc. are often trying to put down those of us who are trying to live our lives on the right side of the law ("you bourgie", "you think you betta than me", "you ain't keepin' it real"). Because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I spend my time thinking about you and your mess. So leave me alone. And that's not said with a tinge of self-righteousness. I do what I do, so do what you do. If you are happy doing your thing, then do just that. However, don't be mad if I can't support your mess because I care about my own consistency. I like for my character and my reputation to be in sync. I like for people to know that I am the same person inside that I present to the world. I love that I have standards and I understand that "keeping it real" is very rarely that.

I have found that most people who say, "I don't care what people think about me" are the first people who get upset when someone says something about them. I have found that people who say, "let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone", just got caught up in some mess. Let me be the first person to admit that I care what people think about me, but I don't live my life based on people's judgment. However, I know that I care about my reputation--I am not going to be acting like a drunken fool in public, posting nekkid pictures on FB, or acting like a general donkey just to make you feel comfortable. Your version of me may have me "keeping it real", but what does that mean, really? I know who I am--do you?

As you mature, it would seem that you would get wiser. Unfortunately, people confuse getting older with being grown. True adulthood is not based on your age. There are some gray haired fools in the world. Seriously. The definition of crazy is doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results. If you want to live like that, just own it. Say, I know I'm crazy and my life will always be a mess and that's okay. I can get with that. What is ridiculous is you living a life of chaos and confusion and then getting mad when someone can't or won't co-sign your mess. You're grown--remember? As an adult, I look to people who are living lives that I wish to emulate and I learn from their lessons in order to forge my own path. I know who I am--do you?

One should not live under the scope of duplicity and falsehood. You should be secure in who and how you are. Love yourself--flaws and all. Don't be discouraged by folks who really are skewed in their version of who you should be. Surround yourself with good people who are positive and speak to the best in you. Also, keep some folks around who will check you if your stuff gets tart (the best kind of keeping it real). Cultivate a life for yourself where you are in control of who and how you are. Make sure you do self-checks often and don't be afraid of the gunk you find. You can't do better until you take a full and honest assessment of your true self. At the end of the day, you have to accept yourself. I love me and I know who I am--do you? I wish you peace and enlightenment on this ever continuing journey of selfhood. Forward motion is good because it means you are working towards something. Good luck!!

Nina Simone "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

Repost: Our Love

Update: Below is the original post in its entirety. I would just like to acknowledge my husband on our anniversary. Here's to life, love and US!!!

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In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.

When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connection, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy, breathless, "do me baby, I gotta have you" way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.

We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...

So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.

My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind." In fact, "[He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.

Here are a few of our favorite songs:

"Anniversary" by Tony Toni Tone (I think it's obvious why)



"If This World Were Mine" Remake by Luther Vandross and Cheryl Lynn (This was our wedding song)



"A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway (Because he always sang this to me when we first started dating)



"Kissing You" by Faith Evans (First song we kissed to)



"Where Would I Be?" by Kindred the Family Soul (Because, um, well...where would we be if we didn't have each other?)

When I Move...You Move...

The law of reciprocity states that if I give to you, you give back to me. Although the terms are negotiable, the mutual exchange of goodwill isn't. How many of us find ourselves always giving, giving, giving? And I don't mean of just money or things, but of our energy, our time, our love, etc. When I speak of reciprocity, I'm not talking about donating to charity or volunteering for a good cause--that's your honor to be able to serve others who are in need and cannot (not will not ) help themselves. I'm talking about when you help someone and he/she is able bodied and just selfish--always (as the old folks say) "with a mouthful o' sugar and a handful o' gimme."

Do you find yourself giving to the same people over and over again with little effort on their part to reciprocate? How do you feel? Are you sick and tired of the lack of return on your output? Or do you just chalk it up to ignorance and just keep it moving? Do you find that you are the person that folks rely on to loan them money, give them rides, help plan this event or that thing, etc.? Are you often referred to as "loyal", "reliable", "dependable", "a good friend (cousin, sister, colleague...)"? But, as good as the folks on the receiving end of your kind actions think you are, do they get mad if/when you say, "no"? Hmmmm....because that is what has me thinking that your kindness (or mine) is being taken for weakness. You know why? Because it is my decision about how I want to help and if I can. It is not my responsibility to do for any able bodied being who feels entitled to my stuff. Okay?! (Insert high fives, side eyes and neck rolls for emphasis).

If I can be there all of the time for you, I expect (rightfully so), that when I am down and out you will be there to help me as well. Or if I am one of the people who never seem to need anyone because my stuff is in order, you can still show me that you appreciate me. For example: I give you rides everyday because you don't have a car or money for the bus. And you seem appreciative because I have never treated you funny or tried to hold it over your head. Now you are happy because I have done something for you. Now where does reciprocity come in? I know you don't have any money, so I am not expecting anything and it truly is my pleasure to help, but you know what? You can show me that you appreciate me by offering to babysit, making me a cake, doing my hair, anything... Because you know what? That shows me that you understand that my generosity is a choice and that even though I could be doing anything else, I am choosing to help you.

Surprisingly, we only think about reciprocity (if we think about it at all) when we navigate personal relationships, but reciprocity is key in business dealings as well. Consider this, if I am a business owner and you have supported my business, why wouldn't I give you a free ticket, a coupon or a better table at an event? If you have supported my business and you own a business, shouldn't I support yours? Because business dealings, like personal relationships are all about connections. You give a little and usually, you get a whole lot. One hand washes the other--reciprocity at its best. And it is a win-win situation.

Unfortunately, in this dog eat dog world full of "I gotta get mine" mentality, we often position ourselves as top dog or lone wolf (gotta keep the metaphor going) and because of this we lose out. Why? Well, because people need people. It's as simple as that. One day, you may need me and conversely, I may need you. And what a beautiful world when we are able to help each other out. In the end, it comes down to the golden rule: stop acting like somebody owes you something and treat folks with some reciprocity (well, maybe that's the brass rule, but you get my point). Basically, if someone has shown you a kindness, you should try to find a way to reciprocate that kindness. You know how good you feel when someone treats you with consideration, so make sure to spread that feeling to others. Peace.

"What Goes Around" by Lalah Hathaway (video stops abruptly at end, but images were so powerful, I still decided to use it...enjoy)

Easy Like...Well, Like Sunday Morning...

This morning, I had the best time waking up in my husband's arms. I rolled over into his warmth and felt his chest hairs tickle my nose. I snuggled in closer and sighed. Hello, Sunday morning...I listened and outside of our door, I heard little activity; our children were lounging, as well. Each had snuggled into a cocoon of sheets and covers. All was quiet and settled. Even our house seemed as if it had paused to enjoy the morning's stillness. The effect was calming.

Birds were chirping, but their music was muted this morning. It was a soundtrack to the day, embedded into the fiber of every movement. Each breath I took felt cleansing as if I was ridding my spirit of the toxins of the past week. Ahhh...Sunday morning. I listened to the rhythm of my husband's heartbeat and its music intertwined with the music of the birds and the movement of the clouds. With each lu-dup of his heart, I was eased into the serenity of the moment. I felt his breath tickle my ear and the birds were chirping and his heart was beating and my heart was beating and the birds were chirping and...ahhh...Sunday morning. The sun peaked in, a cloud passed by, a still wind blew and all felt right in the world. In this space, in this moment, I felt as if everything was on slow motion and I was so grateful.

Too often, in our ever busy existences, we run over the roses and don't take the time to stop and smell them. We are scheduled, I mean overscheduled to within an inch of our lives. We have so much to do and far too little time. Every hour, every minute, every second seems to belong to someone or something else and then...here comes Sunday... ahhh... A cup of tea, a folded newspaper, a morning hymn, a gentle breeze, a warm touch, a stolen glance...a Sunday morning exhale...ahhh.

Sunday morning can set the barometer for how your week will go. It can be a lazy time in bed or a rousing morning spent in a house of worship. Sunday mornings offer the promise of what the next six days of the week can be like. Sunday is not really the weekend; it is the week beginning. It is a time to plan the activity and set the tone of the upcoming days. To make your mental checks and balances about what to do as you move into the hectic activity of the work week. Some people toil on Sundays and use another day as their "Sunday." But I must admit, there is something spectacular about being in sync with the calendars of most of the people around me. I can count on our collective sighs as I languish in the solitude of Sunday...Ahhh...

Nature by India Arie

I'm Somebody's Mama

I have been a mother for almost half of my life. I had my first child when I was still a child myself. At 19 years old, two years out of high school, four years into what I thought was true love, I became a mama for the first time. As I pushed my 12 weeks premature 2 lb. 8 oz. baby into the world, I knew I would forever be changed. And I was right; unknowingly, I stepped naturally into the role that was tailor made for me.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was born to be a mother. I would be at ease with the universe's calling for me to shape, mold and nurture the life of another. True story. And just four days after my beautiful baby was born, I locked horns with an unidentified demon to pull my first born child back from the brink of death. See, I spoke life into him and my voice was the one he heard calling him from a forever sleep; my voice spoke life into him and reclaimed his place among the living. I WON him back from the other side and from that moment on, I knew that I had powers greater than even I understood because I was someone's mother.

I gave birth to two other love children and with each exhale of new life, I felt my powers growing. In each labor movement (for that is what their births were), I felt the beauty of creation come together. I felt God in my children and because of their existence, I believed that there had to be a power higher than myself. I felt wonder in each of their kicks, pokes, flutters. I felt like I had unquantifiable, immeasurable, indescribable power because within my soul new beings were being formed. I was a super she, a maternal marvel because within my womb, wonder was being manipulated into human form and my children were being shaped.

I was enriched by my ability to bring forth life and to extend my physical self to my children's physical selves. In their kisses, hugs, snuggles, tickles, cuddles, I have been restored. See, we sometimes get it wrong as parents and focus on the fact that our children need us. I am telling you, I need my children. In every moment of their existence, I see the imprint of my expectations, the impact of my nurturing and the effect of my nourishment.

My children are loved. If you saw them, you'd know it because their laughter reaches from just above their heads and puddles just below their feet. They believe they can fly because their wings have been feathered by kind words, endless hope and everlasting encouragement. If you see my children, you will recognize that joy is possible because their smiles show evidence of love that spills over from the depths of their souls. My children are loved and when you look at them, you realize that they have happiness to spare and will kindly offer you a cup for your own. When you see my sons' walk, you see the strength of their spines and metaphors of mighty oaks emerge. You see them with their heads held erect, backs strong--walking to their futures, not running from them. When you see my daughter walk, you see the strength of a thousand sheroes who came before her and it is apparent that she has been bequeathed a legacy of graceful determination. Yeah, my kids are magical and in each of their movements, you understand that all they want will be had.

My children represent the best of me and in their eyes, I know that all I am is enough. I am Mother Earth, Mama Day, Ama. I am Mater, Madre, Mami. I am Mama, Ma, Mom. I am loved.

Erykah Badu "Ye Yo"