It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Every Little Step You Take...

For so long, I have been struggling with losing weight. I make plans to work out or to eat better and as soon as something happens, my plans get put on the back burner. But guess what? I've found a way to lose some weight quickly: forgiveness. What? You thought this was a post about weight loss, didn't you? Theoretically it is...old grudges and past gripes were adding unnecessary stress to my already over stressed life. Old grudges and past gripes were adding pounds to the proverbial albatross around my neck, monkey on my back and pain in my ____. For all my talk about positive living, I had been holding on to some past hurts that people had done, things that wounded me to my core. But guess what? Me holding on to anger and ill will wasn't hurting them...IT WAS HURTING ME!! The person I loved beyond all things (myself) was the one who carried the burden of others' transgressions.

I had been done wrong by a few people (some who had apologized, mind you), but I couldn't move past their actions: "hmmph, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not gonna forget." However, I didn't truly forgive them. I held on to my hurt feelings, bruised ego, foolish pride (whatever you want to call it) and waited for them to try something again. Because you know I was ready, hand on hip, neck roll waiting..."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." But see, I didn't understand that if you anger me, you can control me. Simple as that. If you anger me, you CONTROL me. I don't like the idea of someone's actions dictating my own. It's as if I'm being pulled by strings and you are the puppeteer. I don't like that at all.

Anytime I would get angry, I would add someone to the LIST. I would silently check off his/her latest wrong and file it later for instant recall. I know better than that, but I'm a fool when I get mad. In fact, the Tazmanian devil could take pointers on destruction from me. That's why I work so hard on myself because I don't want to take it here. Seriously.

Although I knew that I needed to free myself from the hurtful effects of holding on to anger, I still had to deal with handling folks who had done me wrong. I have truly come to understand that because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to deal with you. I can forgive you and keep it moving. Forgiveness and closeness are not one and the same. I don't have to let you into my personal space because I have forgiven your actions. Forgiveness simply means that I am not going to let you or your mess live rent free in my head. Forgiveness can mean that you give someone a second chance to prove him/herself. That's your personal choice. And it is YOUR choice. You can forgive someone you may never see again. Child's father left you and the baby...forgive him. Mother abandoned you as a child...forgive her. People mistreating you at work...forgive them. That's just my story. Forgiving them makes me a better person. I may never have a chance to sit down with all of the folks who do/ have done me wrong, but I release them. True forgiveness rids your soul, spirit, heart, mind and body of the toxic residue of someone's misdeeds. And you know what? Sometimes you have to forgive yourself from bad decisions you've made. Forgiveness is a universal action and you can employ it externally and internally.

Try this: compile a list of people you feel have done you wrong. Next to their names, write down how you think they've done you wrong. Marinate on the list. Read it over again. Then put it down. Stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale. And repeat these words:

Today I am freeing myself from the burden of your indiscretions, your misdeeds and/or your faulty actions. Today I am reclaiming my heart, my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body and myself. Today I am stepping into the greatness that has been claimed for my life. Today I am healing myself from yesterday's pain so that I can live tomorrow's promise. I release all fear, anger, hurt, sadness, disrespect and hate into a black hole in the universe and I ask that in its place confidence, intelligence, joy, knowledge, respect, patience and love be restored. Forgiveness is mine to give and so it is granted

Take another deep breath and repeat as necessary. When it sinks in, TEAR THE LIST UP!!! Take another deep breath and exhale again. Soon you will believe your words and you will be better for it. Peace.


"Get It Together" by India Arie