Feeling Like I Might Choke...

Yesterday I felt it--an overwhelming need to cry, to hole up in my bed, clutching my pillow and have a good old fashioned, runny nosed, ugly cry. You know the kind: the ones that leave you with tear stains running up, down and sideways on your face. The kind where your nose is running, mixing with your tears and you don't even care. The kind that has you snufflin' and snifflin'. You know the ones, where your shoulders shake and you're crying so hard that either you sound like a dying moose or no sound at all is coming out. You know the ones, that leave your head and your stomach hurting...I know you know what I'm talking about *insert high fives*

What happened to make me want to cry? What occurred that tore into my soul so thoroughly that I felt on the verge of a collapse? Well, nothing. Ok, that's not actually true. EVERYTHING and nothing. Huh? Yeah, there was not one particular thing that happened, nothing big even went wrong. Well, nothing but life...For real. LIFE. L.I.F.E. See, I take care of a lot of people: financially, emotionally and physically and sometimes...well, sometimes the enormity of it all just sneaks up on me and baaaaayyyyybeeeee...that thing just tears me apart. I mean there I was, minding my own business, trying to get out of bed and IT happened...my thoughts started spinning and my mind wasn't settled. Hmmmm...maybe it was 'cause I slept funny or didn't drink a glass of water before I went to bed or missed my vitamin yesterday morning or, or, or...nope. Hmmmm...so I ignored the storm that had begun in my heart and tried to go about my day.

Now, why do we do that? Why do we ignore our own storms, but we will knock down Goliath to protect our loved ones? Hmmm....Well, anyhoo, I just couldn't get right. My steps felt heavy, my heart felt sluggish and so I started making up some other reasons...maybe it's PMS or maybe I was coming down with something. Now, I knew it wasn't PMS, but I was trying to rationalize the general malaise that had overtaken me. I was right: I was coming down with something: the blues. I went through most of my morning dragging, but I was still smiling (gotta keep that game face on, right?). All the while, I was feeling "heavy, laden with sadness" (Donny Hathaway) and I just.couldn't.put.my.finger.on.it. You know why? Well, because nothing was actually wrong. Well nothing, but...LIFE!!!!!

And so I carried on in this fashion for a few hours until someone read my spirit. Huh? Yup...for some reason, I looked over at one of my students and said jokingly (but not really), "touch my hand and give me some positive energy." And she did, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. And then she said, "Professor, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Of course, she could because I wanted to help her (ha!) in any way that I could. When we got in the hallway, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a message for you. God put you on my heart this morning and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you this. What time did you get up this morning?" I told her that I had awakened earlier than usual and I was mad, "6:30." And she said, "That's just the time I woke up with this message for you" and let me tell y'all something, she poured a message into me that was soooooo powerful in its simplicity and accurate in its focus. I am telling you...she spoke to my spirit. She jumped in the valley and put me on her shoulders and poured a balm of healing on me so spot on, that I had to hold myself together to avoid crying in the hallway.

What was her message (this is the paraphrased version): That I was okay. That everything I had been fighting for wasn't my battle. That I didn't have to prove to anyone who I was. Everything I was, was just enough. That I needed to know that all I do was not in vain. And in every word, I felt myself growing taller, feeling restored. She was a vessel for the Word and she poured into me. I received her message and it gave me the absolute shivers to my core, because she didn't know what I had been dealing with and she spoke it. With more specificity and accuracy than I can convey in this post. She touched my heart and my soul, for real. And I thanked her with my full self and acknowledged the necessity of her words. In that moment, I was ever so grateful in ways that I can't even begin to speak.

All of us, no matter how strong we are, have moments of knee buckling weakness. In our fully actualized forms, the best of us recognize when we need to stop and take a moment for ourselves. But the rest of us, well we need foggy mornings filled with quicksand steps, marshmallow lungs and grayscale vision. We need unsure moments, second thoughts and hesitant actions. Finally, we need love and the kindness of people to get us over. We do. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not; each of us has experienced a time when out of the blue (or so it seems), someone throws us a lifeboat disguised as words or a hug or a smile or ... Today, I'm asking you to stand in the gap for someone else. To be a balm for someone else's spirit, to be an emotional steward for someone's needs. That's what the Soulstainable movement is about: recycling our positive energies for someone else's benefit. And in those moments, that's where we find our true humanity. Peace.

"God Is Trying to Tell You Something" (Tata Vega is the singer; Shug Avery is the character from The Color Purple

Sick and Tired of Being...

How many of us are feeling the weight of the economy? Depressed about education in the United States? The housing crisis? The job market? Student loan debt? Taxes? Racism? Sexism? Violence? or (fill in the blanks)? How many of us are tired of turning on the news and seeing how terrible life is for most people? How bad so many people have it? I am!!

I think I may have reached my limit in my capacity to tolerate one more piece of bad news, sad news, or gonna make me mad news!! (Insert screams, foot stomping, pouty lips and furrowed brows). I got up this morning feeling like...I don't know...I just felt like...Blah! Bah! Gah! Waaaaaaaaaaaah! And then, I remembered...I woke up this morning!! Imagine that, I took another breath, saw another sight, felt another feel...I woke up this morning!!! And you know what? That is a blessing in and of itself. I woke up this morning and in the words of my mother in law: "my bed was not my cooling board and my sheet was not my shroud" (look up Gullah sayings).

Here I was lying in bed, under the weight of everything and I forgot to count my blessings. I know that the world is hard out here for sooooooo many people and this is not the best time in a lot of folks' lives, but I am here. And I know that as long as I have breath in my body, I am able to touch another life, reach another soul, walk another mile and help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I can inspire another being, cultivate another mind and I can help another person!! As long I have breath in my body, I CAN HELP ANOTHER PERSON!!!! And then I realized that life ain't so bad at'all.

Today I wish that you are able to find the motivation to do better and be better! Today I wish that you are able to tap into your spirit and find whatever it takes in order to propel you forward!! Today I wish you hope. Peace!

R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly"

Living Your Life...

Too many of us toil away at our daily chores without stopping to enjoy the little things. We work to pay bills and to buy more things, but how many of us really enjoy the lives we've created for ourselves? If you could get a redo, what would you change about your choices? Would you do anything differently? Would you change the things you value and the people you've given your heart to? Although you can't go back in time to correct any of the missteps you might have taken, trust that each new day offers a chance for a do over.

Have you always wanted to go back to school, but were too afraid? Wanted to change careers, but your loved ones told you that you were crazy? Have you ever wanted to step outside of how people know you to be, but worried what they would think? Now is the time to reclaim your right to be satisfied and ignore the naysayers.

Each morning, you can reevaluate the path that your life can take. If there is something inside of you that yearns for another experience, what are you doing to speak to that longing? I don't mean making foolish decisions without regard to their implications; I'm speaking to diligent planning and purposeful action. This can lead you to the life you want; not just the one you have.

As you move forward in your life and look to the next chapters, I wish that you can unlock the secret that will lead you to your golden existence. Living your life like it's golden doesn't mean living a life that is perfect. It means simply carving out a life that is perfect FOR YOU. Of course you're going to have to make compromises and sacrifices, but what you compromise or sacrifice should be on your terms. You deserve happiness, joy and a golden existence...Peace.


Jill Scott "Golden"

Soul Food: Words for Your Soul

The following quote is one that sustains me in some of my most uncertain moments. Although it is often attributed to Nelson Mandela (the great), it is from a book written by Marianne Williamson What are some of the tried and true motivational words that help you get over? What are some of the passages that you turn to in times of self-doubt or in moments of turmoil? Hopefully, the following words will be added to your list of comforting phrases.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Conquering fear is an important first step in making our dreams come true. I actually addressed this topic in a past blog post.

Here's to a Happy Day and hoping that you let the best of yourself shine today.

I Want You...The Right Way

"I want you...the right way...", so sings Marvin Gaye in his pleading love song "I Want You." These are very important words: "the right way", because they signify something that is not just a fleshly desire, but an understanding of good old fashioned love. "I want you...the right way"--not just any old kind of way, but a special kind of way. His want has standards and is not your garden variety want. He is saying that he is looking for reciprocity in his love and wants to receive as good as he is willing to give. (Lyrics here)

When was the last time you professed your love to someone? Seriously. And not just in a subliminal "sorta kinda" way. Remember in elementary school when we put our feelings out there? When we secretly passed notes with "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes or No." The more patient of us might have added a "maybe", just in case our intended was undecided. However, as we get older, we don't necessarily want to be upfront with our want. I want you. Seemingly simple, but within that short phrase is an air of vulnerability. Are you willing to take the risk? Maybe some of us have experienced an unrequited love that has left us questioning our suitability for a relationship. And that fear may get in the way of us being able to reveal our hearts to another.

How many of you have standards about what you will and will not accept in your romantic relationships? Or do you just take what you can get? Putting your feelings out there can be risky, but, oh the benefits of a good response to your desire. This is not just for single folks either, because the committed couples and married folks have to make sure that they are not taking each other for granted. Expressing your desire or want can be a wonderful way to jump start a relationship. The right way.

Marvin Gaye "I Want You" (The classic)



Erykah Badu "I Want You" (another take on expressing desire...)

Understanding Fear: The Root and the Resolution

A friend and I recently had a conversation about overcoming fear. He wanted to do something new, but was afraid to take the essential first steps. As I tried to encourage him by speaking power into his dream, he said, "Thanks, sis. That sounds good, but I gotta make myself believe it." And then a light bulb went on...

Often when we talk about fear, we try to address the fear, to make sure that we identify what is at the root of what is holding us back. But, thanks to my friend, I know that fear, like faith, is rooted in belief...let me repeat that: FEAR, LIKE FAITH, IS ROOTED IN BELIEF. What that means simply is that we deal with fear like it is its own entity. We ask questions (valid ones, no doubt) about the who, the why, the how, the where and the what about fear. However, what we might overlook is that fear (as it relates to progress) is you believing that something isn't possible.

You want to be successful, but you are afraid to do the necessary things to make this a reality. Why? Because you believe that you don't deserve to be successful...WHAT? (I hear you yelling!!). It might seem crazy, but it is true. You have to recognize that if you believed that you deserved to be successful, your fears would be minimized if not resolved. Your belief puts you ahead of the pack because it allows you to see you as your full self.

I am not trying to tell you that being fearful is the only obstacle to achieving your dreams. I am not suggesting that fear and faith are one and the same. What I want you to take away from this is that fear is just you believing that something isn't possible for you. If you can retrain your mind to know that you deserve the best of all things, your fear can be redirected as faith. With hard work and planning, many of the things that you have identified for yourself can become a reality.

To all of you who are standing on the cusp of your dreams, please take that essential first step by believing that what you have designed can manifest itself into diligent action. And to my friend, who inspired this: when you believe, you will be unstoppable. I wish you this.

Soul Food: James Baldwin and My Ideas of Selfhood

"I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all." ~James A. Baldwin

Let me tell you something about me--I am a nerd. I say that without any hint of self-deprecating charm. Truly, I straddle the line between diva and bookworm (proudly). I even read the backs of cereal boxes or fix-it manuals if there is nothing else around to read. I guess it is no surprise that I ended up being.... (drum roll please) an English educator. Seriously though, I can get lost for hours in a good (or even not so good) book.

One of the first authors I fell in love with was James Baldwin. I was a precocious reader and really had no business reading him when I was only 12 or 13. However, his critical notes and essays started a fire in me that continues to burn to this day. Why? Well, because he lived his life according to his ideas about who he should be. He refused to be defined by a society that oppressed him due to his race, sexual preference and socioeconomic status. He rewrote the rules about what is to be accepted and when he couldn't find satisfaction here, he quit this place. He left the United States and became one of the black expatriates who lived abroad. He was a man ahead of his time and beyond this place. He had fears and insecurities like the best of us, but he moved beyond that. He struggled with self-doubt and identity, but he moved beyond that. He made it his life's mission to speak truth to power and live that truth and exercise that power (in whatever ways that he could).

I chose the introductory quote because I believe that sometimes we get caught up in what has happened to us. We live in a place of "used to be" and "when I was." Absolutely, we are products of the things that have happened to us. However, we are more than those things. Whether we are privileged or not, we each have experiences that are of value to the future us. You may have done some things in the past that you are not proud of and may have moved towards redemption or enlightenment. However, self-doubt creeps in and you can't see yourself for the better you that you've become. How sad is it that you let those past experiences define who you are. In many ways, you become one dimensional, much like "Flat Stanley." I would suggest, like the ever wise Mr. Baldwin, that you are much more than that. If you find yourself living in the past or in a world of one note experiences, please know that you are much more than that. And if you find that you can't move beyond the you you feel you have to be...pick up a book, go to a museum, take up a hobby...do something differently, so that you can look at yourself through fresh eyes. Good luck!!!

Image courtesy of Google Images.

Soul Food: "Alone" by Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou is Ev-er-y-thang!! I have loved her offerings, poetic and prosaic, since I read her first autobiography I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I don't know which I prefer, but I do know that I am always hungry for more when I read her words. I was thinking about my close network of friends and family and realized that I am privileged to have such a strong close-knit circle. I am lucky that even when I feel heavy laden with sadness (thank you Donny Hathaway), I have a crew of folks that I can count on to be there for me in my darkest hours without fail. Like the words in the following poem "nobody can make it out here alone." Too often, we box ourselves into a corner by trying to pretend that we have everything under control. But no person is an island; we all could use someone to help us out once in awhile. This poem reminds us that we need others in order to thrive. You don't have to go it alone. The other side of this is that you should try to help someone out in need: be a blessing to someone's life today...

Alone

by Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking

Last night

How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone

I came up with one thing

And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires

With money they can't use

Their wives run round like banshees

Their children sing the blues

They've got expensive doctors

To cure their hearts of stone.

But nobody

No, nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely

I'll tell you what I know

Storm clouds are gathering

The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is suffering

And I can hear the moan,

'Cause nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Poem courtesy of http://www.poets.org/ Image courtesy of http://www.gpaulbishop.com

Soul Food: Black Male Valedictorian Speaks at High School Graduation

All I can say is that the video speaks for itself. Grab some Kleenex because this is a tearjerker. What a triumphant story he has and what a shining example of young black manhood...



Video courtesy of Bossip.com