I remember falling in love for the first time. I mean, head over heels love that left me blind, deaf, dumb and crazy (more about that later). I was so in love with this male (he was definitely NOT a man) that I couldn't see right to do right. And because he was a Do Wrong Male, he helped me on my path to a broken heart. Whatchutalkin'boutwillis? I mean, he was determined to be Playa of the Decade and so he manhandled my heart and you know what? I let him. WHAT?!! Yeah, I let him. At the time, I didn't realize that I played a part in my own tragic love story. That I had a hand in doing my ownself wrong. Yup...sad, but true.
Think about it--how many of us meet someone and we are immediately into them? We stop doing the things we used to do because we feel we need to spend every waking hour with our lover. We change our patterns to fit the schedule and whims of this new person. We become experts in him/her. I mean, you could tell someone how many times he/she blinks per second. You could recognize your lover from a distance simply from the smell of his/her fragrance. And because you are floating on air, you ignore THE SIGNS...You know, THE SIGNS. The little things that make you say, hmmmm...but you ignore them because you are floating on air: Oooo, girl he makes me feel soooo good or Man, she got it going ON!!. And because you've been lonely or you're caught up in the physical or you're just plain simple (because some of us are), you ignore the second thoughts you're having. You know...THE SIGNS!!!
Unfortunately, too many of us lack the ability of discernment. Sometimes, we trust everyone else's words and experiences but our own. We ignore the little voice in the back of our head that is trying to tell us to OPEN OUR EYES. If someone tries to tell us something to help us see the light, we accuse them of hatin' (Imma have to address Hatin' one day because I feel folks get that twisted, too, but back to the topic). We isolate ourselves in our own delusions and we ignore the little things that will become big things simply because we want what we want. At some point, I'm sure that most of us have done it. We want sooooo badly for something to work that we just overlook things that in any other situation we wouldn't tolerate. But love, lust, passion, infatuation, attraction, desire...baaaayyyybeeeee (in my N'Orleans voice), these things get in the way of clarity and good sense.
Now, y'all know I believe in love, especially good love and reciprocal love, but I also believe in doing yourself right. When I was a younger woman, I had some holes in my heart that I believed could be healed with romantic love. When I fell in love, I fell hard and I lost every ounce of sense I had. This person was a liar. Seriously. And I knew it from the very beginning. And because I needed love (a different kind, though), I surrendered my heart, my mind, my health and my womb to this Do Wrong Male. I could have gotten out at any time, but I didn't because I felt like he completed me. Sad, but true. I didn't know then, but I understand now that I needed someone to complement me, not supplement me. But he was young, too and he fell victim to the hypermasculine ideal of the Playa archetype. He was trying to be a Big Man, but really, he was only a too tall toddler in big boy clothes.
And when I finally came to my senses, pieces of me were scattered all over the place. My heart, my mind, my common sense, my pride...they were broken because I ignored THE SIGNS. I could have saved myself so much aggravation, heartache and shame had I listened to my inner voices and used my head, not my heart to lead me. But you know what? I healed and then I grew up. And from that situation I learned that I'm my best thing and that all is fair in love (and war).
When I entered the dating scene again, I was armed with knowledge and clarity. Even when I got swept off my feet by King Charming (princes were for girls and I was all woman by then), I was purposeful in my courtship. I asked questions, I looked at him for what he was (and not for who I wanted him to be). I knew that I had things that I could not and would not accept. These things were not material possessions, they were character traits. I didn't care if he had a car, but I did care if he was dishonest. I looked at the full measure of the man and didn't rush to a decision to intermingle our hearts (and bodies) quickly. So, this time I knew I didn't have to give up parts of myself to get this man. He didn't want anything that he couldn't give in return. And that was the best SIGN of all. In closing, I just want to say to be diligent about who you let in your heart and in your space. Don't give the best parts of you away to just anyone. You deserve more.
Peace.
"Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff" by Ntozake Shange performed by Alfre Woodard in the Original PBS Playhouse version of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday Flirt: Giving Good Love
It's been awhile since I've done a Friday Flirt, so I wanted to get back to the basics and talk about love...good love. In many of our lives, we have battle scars from love gone bad. Tales of "he did me wrong" or "she was a mistake" pepper our conversations at every turn. We hear stories of love gone right and may shake our heads with a disbelieving, "yeah, whatever." Through our own experiences, we may have become bitter and skeptical about whether true love exists. Somewhere, though, in the recesses of our hearts, a memory still lingers of a time when we believed...
Let me try to restore your faith: love is real. Let me say it again: love is real. I know lots of couples who are living their lives full of love and joy. Couples who deal with the complexities of every day living and still manage to give and receive good love. Notice I said, give and receive. At the heart of any good love experience is reciprocity. If I give my all, then you must give your all. Good love, indeed.
How many of us who are in relationships, take the time to make space for our lovers? I don't mean in a way that suffocates who and how you are. I mean in a way that is mutually satisfying. Do you support your lover's interests? Are you invested in his/her dreams? Do you take the time to check in with your lover to make sure that he/she is feeling protected, encouraged, cherished, etc...? Do you? Because that's how you cultivate good love. Think about it: when you are growing your garden, you must nourish your potential crops with plenty of water and sunshine. You have to put in a consistent amount of work to get the desired result. And if you want to reap the benefits of your hard work, you pay attention to any negative change and adjust your actions accordingly. And that is what you must do if you want good love. You pay attention to your lover and feed your relationship properly. If things start to go awry, you check them out and fix what you can--if you want the desired results.
Too many of us may lose sight of the fact that there are two people in a relationship. We let external forces create chaos in our coupledom. I don't mean when you are in a messed up situation and your people try to save you from yourself (y'all know how that can be). No, I'm talking about two people who are living and loving and making mistakes along the way as they navigate the course of their relationship. Unfortunately, things that can be handled between them, may get inflated when outside folks add their opinions. Once you shake and stir what other folks add, you might end up with a mess. Fareal. However, good love requires that two people who are fully invested in the pursuit of mutual togetherness remember that they have to protect their union. Together.
Many of you may be wondering what does good love look like? I believe that good love is consistent. For me, that is an important element. I don't want you acting sometime-y and moody when it comes to matters of the heart. Even in the midst of conflict, I need to know that your love for me is still present. I believe that good love is honest, period. None of that wishy-washy hemming and hawing. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Period. There also needs to be respect. Good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good love should be strong, palpable. I want to feel it to my marrow. I don't want to guess or read some hidden clues that you love me. Fareal. There should be communication: physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Ultimately, I want you to love me like I love you. To give 100% in all ways, always. It's simply not negotiable.
I know what good love feels like because I am in a relationship that satisfies me to the core of my being. When I speak of my lover, you hear the chimes of our wedding bells. Even in our disconnections, we are still connected in myriad ways that serve to balance out our bond. For those of you who seek good love, I wish that you can experience it without fear. I wish that you can have your heart stimulated by good love that awakens a desire so strong it makes your knees buckle. I wish you kisses by the light of the moon and whispered love talk that makes you blush at the memory. I wish you love so good that you wear it like a badge of honor. I wish you love, love, everlasting love that fills all your empty places and gives you wings. I wish you a love so good, that it's good...Peace.
"Body and Soul" by Anita Baker (and yes, I know she has a song called, "Good Love")
Let me try to restore your faith: love is real. Let me say it again: love is real. I know lots of couples who are living their lives full of love and joy. Couples who deal with the complexities of every day living and still manage to give and receive good love. Notice I said, give and receive. At the heart of any good love experience is reciprocity. If I give my all, then you must give your all. Good love, indeed.
How many of us who are in relationships, take the time to make space for our lovers? I don't mean in a way that suffocates who and how you are. I mean in a way that is mutually satisfying. Do you support your lover's interests? Are you invested in his/her dreams? Do you take the time to check in with your lover to make sure that he/she is feeling protected, encouraged, cherished, etc...? Do you? Because that's how you cultivate good love. Think about it: when you are growing your garden, you must nourish your potential crops with plenty of water and sunshine. You have to put in a consistent amount of work to get the desired result. And if you want to reap the benefits of your hard work, you pay attention to any negative change and adjust your actions accordingly. And that is what you must do if you want good love. You pay attention to your lover and feed your relationship properly. If things start to go awry, you check them out and fix what you can--if you want the desired results.
Too many of us may lose sight of the fact that there are two people in a relationship. We let external forces create chaos in our coupledom. I don't mean when you are in a messed up situation and your people try to save you from yourself (y'all know how that can be). No, I'm talking about two people who are living and loving and making mistakes along the way as they navigate the course of their relationship. Unfortunately, things that can be handled between them, may get inflated when outside folks add their opinions. Once you shake and stir what other folks add, you might end up with a mess. Fareal. However, good love requires that two people who are fully invested in the pursuit of mutual togetherness remember that they have to protect their union. Together.
Many of you may be wondering what does good love look like? I believe that good love is consistent. For me, that is an important element. I don't want you acting sometime-y and moody when it comes to matters of the heart. Even in the midst of conflict, I need to know that your love for me is still present. I believe that good love is honest, period. None of that wishy-washy hemming and hawing. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Period. There also needs to be respect. Good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good love should be strong, palpable. I want to feel it to my marrow. I don't want to guess or read some hidden clues that you love me. Fareal. There should be communication: physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Ultimately, I want you to love me like I love you. To give 100% in all ways, always. It's simply not negotiable.
I know what good love feels like because I am in a relationship that satisfies me to the core of my being. When I speak of my lover, you hear the chimes of our wedding bells. Even in our disconnections, we are still connected in myriad ways that serve to balance out our bond. For those of you who seek good love, I wish that you can experience it without fear. I wish that you can have your heart stimulated by good love that awakens a desire so strong it makes your knees buckle. I wish you kisses by the light of the moon and whispered love talk that makes you blush at the memory. I wish you love so good that you wear it like a badge of honor. I wish you love, love, everlasting love that fills all your empty places and gives you wings. I wish you a love so good, that it's good...Peace.
"Body and Soul" by Anita Baker (and yes, I know she has a song called, "Good Love")
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Repost: Our Love
Update: Below is the original post in its entirety. I would just like to acknowledge my husband on our anniversary. Here's to life, love and US!!!
---------------------------------
In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connection, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy, breathless, "do me baby, I gotta have you" way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind." In fact, "[He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
Here are a few of our favorite songs:
"Anniversary" by Tony Toni Tone (I think it's obvious why)
"If This World Were Mine" Remake by Luther Vandross and Cheryl Lynn (This was our wedding song)
"A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway (Because he always sang this to me when we first started dating)
"Kissing You" by Faith Evans (First song we kissed to)
"Where Would I Be?" by Kindred the Family Soul (Because, um, well...where would we be if we didn't have each other?)
---------------------------------
In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connection, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy, breathless, "do me baby, I gotta have you" way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind." In fact, "[He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
Here are a few of our favorite songs:
"Anniversary" by Tony Toni Tone (I think it's obvious why)
"If This World Were Mine" Remake by Luther Vandross and Cheryl Lynn (This was our wedding song)
"A Song for You" by Donny Hathaway (Because he always sang this to me when we first started dating)
"Kissing You" by Faith Evans (First song we kissed to)
"Where Would I Be?" by Kindred the Family Soul (Because, um, well...where would we be if we didn't have each other?)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday Flirt: Our Love
In my quest to bring the love back, I have promised to post about love: being loved and giving love. In my quest to celebrate the connections between people, I have committed myself to blog about how love appears in my own life as well. One of the most present ways that I am able to experience love is through my relationship with my husband. From the day that we became a couple, it has been us against the world. We are the law abiding Bonnie and Clyde, the younger, less wealthy (but no less rich) Cliff and Claire Huxtable...basically, we are a united front.
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connections, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy breathless, do me baby, I gotta have you way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind. [He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
"Our Love" by Natalie Cole
When I first met him, I knew that we were connected in ways that extended beyond this world. In fact, we both felt it and would make references to us being from the same "soul neighborhood" where kindred spirits lived. As we moved closer in our connections, we admitted that we were, in fact, soul mates. And I don't mean in the hot and heavy breathless, do me baby, I gotta have you way that shapes most new relationships. Of course we desired each other, but our connection spoke of past lives and intertwined spirits that reunited through different life times until they emerged in our current forms...deep, right? But we meant it and lived out our connection with every fiber of our beings.
We spent time getting to know each other before we decided to be exclusive. Yup, he courted me. And I reciprocated in kind. We sent puzzle pieces with coded messages to each other, wrote letters that included excerpts from stories we enjoyed and we talked...yes, we talked. We listened, we felt, we acknowledged and then we would do it all over again daily. I knew his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his desires, his hopes, his dreams and he reciprocated in kind. And guess what? We didn't have sex on the first date (yup, we went on real dates) and we didn't become a couple after that date either. We let us marinate. We waited and discovered that being together was the only option because neither one of us could imagine being without the other. And then we began building...
So this post is an open love letter to my husband because I want to speak to the ways that he has shown me love and has made me want to be a better person. If you know me in real life, then you may have seen us together. If so, you know that our connection is bona fide...We are connected in unspeakable ways that make strangers come up to us and tell us that they love us together even though they've just met us at that moment. We are bonded in ways that defy explanation, but never defy logic. Of course, we're together as a couple, because when you see us together, even you couldn't imagine us apart.
My husband is, as Toni Morrison writes in Beloved, "a friend of my mind. [He] gather me, man. The pieces I am, [he] gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a [man] who is a friend of your mind." I make no apologies about loving my husband or the fact that he loves me. I have had enough hardship to last 20 lifetimes and I am blessed to have a man who loves me in all ways, always. And I reciprocate in kind.
"Our Love" by Natalie Cole
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)