I remember falling in love for the first time. I mean, head over heels love that left me blind, deaf, dumb and crazy (more about that later). I was so in love with this male (he was definitely NOT a man) that I couldn't see right to do right. And because he was a Do Wrong Male, he helped me on my path to a broken heart. Whatchutalkin'boutwillis? I mean, he was determined to be Playa of the Decade and so he manhandled my heart and you know what? I let him. WHAT?!! Yeah, I let him. At the time, I didn't realize that I played a part in my own tragic love story. That I had a hand in doing my ownself wrong. Yup...sad, but true.
Think about it--how many of us meet someone and we are immediately into them? We stop doing the things we used to do because we feel we need to spend every waking hour with our lover. We change our patterns to fit the schedule and whims of this new person. We become experts in him/her. I mean, you could tell someone how many times he/she blinks per second. You could recognize your lover from a distance simply from the smell of his/her fragrance. And because you are floating on air, you ignore THE SIGNS...You know, THE SIGNS. The little things that make you say, hmmmm...but you ignore them because you are floating on air: Oooo, girl he makes me feel soooo good or Man, she got it going ON!!. And because you've been lonely or you're caught up in the physical or you're just plain simple (because some of us are), you ignore the second thoughts you're having. You know...THE SIGNS!!!
Unfortunately, too many of us lack the ability of discernment. Sometimes, we trust everyone else's words and experiences but our own. We ignore the little voice in the back of our head that is trying to tell us to OPEN OUR EYES. If someone tries to tell us something to help us see the light, we accuse them of hatin' (Imma have to address Hatin' one day because I feel folks get that twisted, too, but back to the topic). We isolate ourselves in our own delusions and we ignore the little things that will become big things simply because we want what we want. At some point, I'm sure that most of us have done it. We want sooooo badly for something to work that we just overlook things that in any other situation we wouldn't tolerate. But love, lust, passion, infatuation, attraction, desire...baaaayyyybeeeee (in my N'Orleans voice), these things get in the way of clarity and good sense.
Now, y'all know I believe in love, especially good love and reciprocal love, but I also believe in doing yourself right. When I was a younger woman, I had some holes in my heart that I believed could be healed with romantic love. When I fell in love, I fell hard and I lost every ounce of sense I had. This person was a liar. Seriously. And I knew it from the very beginning. And because I needed love (a different kind, though), I surrendered my heart, my mind, my health and my womb to this Do Wrong Male. I could have gotten out at any time, but I didn't because I felt like he completed me. Sad, but true. I didn't know then, but I understand now that I needed someone to complement me, not supplement me. But he was young, too and he fell victim to the hypermasculine ideal of the Playa archetype. He was trying to be a Big Man, but really, he was only a too tall toddler in big boy clothes.
And when I finally came to my senses, pieces of me were scattered all over the place. My heart, my mind, my common sense, my pride...they were broken because I ignored THE SIGNS. I could have saved myself so much aggravation, heartache and shame had I listened to my inner voices and used my head, not my heart to lead me. But you know what? I healed and then I grew up. And from that situation I learned that I'm my best thing and that all is fair in love (and war).
When I entered the dating scene again, I was armed with knowledge and clarity. Even when I got swept off my feet by King Charming (princes were for girls and I was all woman by then), I was purposeful in my courtship. I asked questions, I looked at him for what he was (and not for who I wanted him to be). I knew that I had things that I could not and would not accept. These things were not material possessions, they were character traits. I didn't care if he had a car, but I did care if he was dishonest. I looked at the full measure of the man and didn't rush to a decision to intermingle our hearts (and bodies) quickly. So, this time I knew I didn't have to give up parts of myself to get this man. He didn't want anything that he couldn't give in return. And that was the best SIGN of all. In closing, I just want to say to be diligent about who you let in your heart and in your space. Don't give the best parts of you away to just anyone. You deserve more.
Peace.
"Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff" by Ntozake Shange performed by Alfre Woodard in the Original PBS Playhouse version of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Representing Character or Are You Who You Say You Are?
A friend of mine often posts on FB regarding the difference between Character and Reputation: "Your reputation is what other people think of you; your character is who you really are.” And then she takes it one step further, "Would your character and your reputation recognize each other if they met on the street?" WHOA!!! Now, that's some deep stuff for your mind! Think about it: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are? That might need repeating: is who you say you are in line with who others think you are?
Too often, many of us get caught up in trying to be something that we aren't. We portray ourselves to believe in this or to believe in that. When all the while, we are lying to ourselves and to others. We might believe in one thing, but we do something else entirely. We have adopted personas to fit with whatever others see as acceptable. These social masks get in the way of how we deal with others and sadly, how we deal with ourselves. Sometimes, in private, we do things that we publicly condemn (insert side eye). Sometimes, we engage in discussions or actions that we have stated that we abhor. Sometimes, not all the time. But once in awhile is enough to change who you proclaim to be. Now, make no mistake. I'm not talking about knowing how to behave in different situations and adjusting your behaviors accordingly. That's grown up and indicates a certain level of understanding. No, I'm talking about those folks who talk out of both sides of their mouths, who would have you believe that they are upright, solid and stable, but in the dark...baybeeee, they are a whole 'nuther animal. Fareal.
We see the duplicitous actions of many folks whenever we look at the news. Anti-gay, homophobic ministers caught engaging in homosexual actions. We see police officers who break the laws they have sworn to uphold; teachers sleeping with their students; bankers stealing money from their customers and...I could go on and on. It's a shame that we have lost sight of the fundamentals of being true to oneself. If you're low down, be low down. Announce it; wear it proudly. Don't portray yourself to be good and you know you are bad--simple. I mean that. If your character is in check and your walk is the same as your talk, then you are all right with me. I like upfront people, the folks who are "straight up and down." I can't stand a double dealing, two timing, back stabbing mickey fickey at'all.
Are you who you say you are? Are your credentials in check for who you present yourself to be? Can you look yourself in the face at the end of the day and say, "I've been truthful in my actions and purposeful in my deeds?" Huh? Can you? If your friends, relatives, colleagues, associates, students, customers, whomever could see you "out of uniform" would they be surprised by your actions? Now, I'm not trying to say that we should strive to be perfect robots who never have fun. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that the core of who you are should be consistent with what/who/how you present yourself to others. You should not be caught "with your pants down" (figuratively and/or literally).
Listen, in every moment you should live out your truths. And in that living, you should be consistent in character and in reputation. You should strive to make sure that you are who you say you are. Skeletons in your closet can come back to haunt you and can ruin your life and/or the lives of others. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get this opportunity to be your best you. You don't live in a bubble or exist in a vacuum. Be sure to make your interactions with others as meaningful as possible. When you find yourself slipping, just remember to ask yourself, "Is my character in line with my reputation?" Peace.
"We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar*
(My comments: This poem represents one of the ways that our ancestors had to wear a "mask" for survival; today we have options. Let the only masks we present to the world be for the benefit of humankind and never for selfish reasons.)
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
*Poem courtesy of http://www.dunbarsite.org and image courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com.
Too often, many of us get caught up in trying to be something that we aren't. We portray ourselves to believe in this or to believe in that. When all the while, we are lying to ourselves and to others. We might believe in one thing, but we do something else entirely. We have adopted personas to fit with whatever others see as acceptable. These social masks get in the way of how we deal with others and sadly, how we deal with ourselves. Sometimes, in private, we do things that we publicly condemn (insert side eye). Sometimes, we engage in discussions or actions that we have stated that we abhor. Sometimes, not all the time. But once in awhile is enough to change who you proclaim to be. Now, make no mistake. I'm not talking about knowing how to behave in different situations and adjusting your behaviors accordingly. That's grown up and indicates a certain level of understanding. No, I'm talking about those folks who talk out of both sides of their mouths, who would have you believe that they are upright, solid and stable, but in the dark...baybeeee, they are a whole 'nuther animal. Fareal.
We see the duplicitous actions of many folks whenever we look at the news. Anti-gay, homophobic ministers caught engaging in homosexual actions. We see police officers who break the laws they have sworn to uphold; teachers sleeping with their students; bankers stealing money from their customers and...I could go on and on. It's a shame that we have lost sight of the fundamentals of being true to oneself. If you're low down, be low down. Announce it; wear it proudly. Don't portray yourself to be good and you know you are bad--simple. I mean that. If your character is in check and your walk is the same as your talk, then you are all right with me. I like upfront people, the folks who are "straight up and down." I can't stand a double dealing, two timing, back stabbing mickey fickey at'all.
Are you who you say you are? Are your credentials in check for who you present yourself to be? Can you look yourself in the face at the end of the day and say, "I've been truthful in my actions and purposeful in my deeds?" Huh? Can you? If your friends, relatives, colleagues, associates, students, customers, whomever could see you "out of uniform" would they be surprised by your actions? Now, I'm not trying to say that we should strive to be perfect robots who never have fun. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that the core of who you are should be consistent with what/who/how you present yourself to others. You should not be caught "with your pants down" (figuratively and/or literally).
Listen, in every moment you should live out your truths. And in that living, you should be consistent in character and in reputation. You should strive to make sure that you are who you say you are. Skeletons in your closet can come back to haunt you and can ruin your life and/or the lives of others. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get this opportunity to be your best you. You don't live in a bubble or exist in a vacuum. Be sure to make your interactions with others as meaningful as possible. When you find yourself slipping, just remember to ask yourself, "Is my character in line with my reputation?" Peace.
"We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar*
(My comments: This poem represents one of the ways that our ancestors had to wear a "mask" for survival; today we have options. Let the only masks we present to the world be for the benefit of humankind and never for selfish reasons.)
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
*Poem courtesy of http://www.dunbarsite.org and image courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday Flirt: Giving Good Love
It's been awhile since I've done a Friday Flirt, so I wanted to get back to the basics and talk about love...good love. In many of our lives, we have battle scars from love gone bad. Tales of "he did me wrong" or "she was a mistake" pepper our conversations at every turn. We hear stories of love gone right and may shake our heads with a disbelieving, "yeah, whatever." Through our own experiences, we may have become bitter and skeptical about whether true love exists. Somewhere, though, in the recesses of our hearts, a memory still lingers of a time when we believed...
Let me try to restore your faith: love is real. Let me say it again: love is real. I know lots of couples who are living their lives full of love and joy. Couples who deal with the complexities of every day living and still manage to give and receive good love. Notice I said, give and receive. At the heart of any good love experience is reciprocity. If I give my all, then you must give your all. Good love, indeed.
How many of us who are in relationships, take the time to make space for our lovers? I don't mean in a way that suffocates who and how you are. I mean in a way that is mutually satisfying. Do you support your lover's interests? Are you invested in his/her dreams? Do you take the time to check in with your lover to make sure that he/she is feeling protected, encouraged, cherished, etc...? Do you? Because that's how you cultivate good love. Think about it: when you are growing your garden, you must nourish your potential crops with plenty of water and sunshine. You have to put in a consistent amount of work to get the desired result. And if you want to reap the benefits of your hard work, you pay attention to any negative change and adjust your actions accordingly. And that is what you must do if you want good love. You pay attention to your lover and feed your relationship properly. If things start to go awry, you check them out and fix what you can--if you want the desired results.
Too many of us may lose sight of the fact that there are two people in a relationship. We let external forces create chaos in our coupledom. I don't mean when you are in a messed up situation and your people try to save you from yourself (y'all know how that can be). No, I'm talking about two people who are living and loving and making mistakes along the way as they navigate the course of their relationship. Unfortunately, things that can be handled between them, may get inflated when outside folks add their opinions. Once you shake and stir what other folks add, you might end up with a mess. Fareal. However, good love requires that two people who are fully invested in the pursuit of mutual togetherness remember that they have to protect their union. Together.
Many of you may be wondering what does good love look like? I believe that good love is consistent. For me, that is an important element. I don't want you acting sometime-y and moody when it comes to matters of the heart. Even in the midst of conflict, I need to know that your love for me is still present. I believe that good love is honest, period. None of that wishy-washy hemming and hawing. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Period. There also needs to be respect. Good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good love should be strong, palpable. I want to feel it to my marrow. I don't want to guess or read some hidden clues that you love me. Fareal. There should be communication: physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Ultimately, I want you to love me like I love you. To give 100% in all ways, always. It's simply not negotiable.
I know what good love feels like because I am in a relationship that satisfies me to the core of my being. When I speak of my lover, you hear the chimes of our wedding bells. Even in our disconnections, we are still connected in myriad ways that serve to balance out our bond. For those of you who seek good love, I wish that you can experience it without fear. I wish that you can have your heart stimulated by good love that awakens a desire so strong it makes your knees buckle. I wish you kisses by the light of the moon and whispered love talk that makes you blush at the memory. I wish you love so good that you wear it like a badge of honor. I wish you love, love, everlasting love that fills all your empty places and gives you wings. I wish you a love so good, that it's good...Peace.
"Body and Soul" by Anita Baker (and yes, I know she has a song called, "Good Love")
Let me try to restore your faith: love is real. Let me say it again: love is real. I know lots of couples who are living their lives full of love and joy. Couples who deal with the complexities of every day living and still manage to give and receive good love. Notice I said, give and receive. At the heart of any good love experience is reciprocity. If I give my all, then you must give your all. Good love, indeed.
How many of us who are in relationships, take the time to make space for our lovers? I don't mean in a way that suffocates who and how you are. I mean in a way that is mutually satisfying. Do you support your lover's interests? Are you invested in his/her dreams? Do you take the time to check in with your lover to make sure that he/she is feeling protected, encouraged, cherished, etc...? Do you? Because that's how you cultivate good love. Think about it: when you are growing your garden, you must nourish your potential crops with plenty of water and sunshine. You have to put in a consistent amount of work to get the desired result. And if you want to reap the benefits of your hard work, you pay attention to any negative change and adjust your actions accordingly. And that is what you must do if you want good love. You pay attention to your lover and feed your relationship properly. If things start to go awry, you check them out and fix what you can--if you want the desired results.
Too many of us may lose sight of the fact that there are two people in a relationship. We let external forces create chaos in our coupledom. I don't mean when you are in a messed up situation and your people try to save you from yourself (y'all know how that can be). No, I'm talking about two people who are living and loving and making mistakes along the way as they navigate the course of their relationship. Unfortunately, things that can be handled between them, may get inflated when outside folks add their opinions. Once you shake and stir what other folks add, you might end up with a mess. Fareal. However, good love requires that two people who are fully invested in the pursuit of mutual togetherness remember that they have to protect their union. Together.
Many of you may be wondering what does good love look like? I believe that good love is consistent. For me, that is an important element. I don't want you acting sometime-y and moody when it comes to matters of the heart. Even in the midst of conflict, I need to know that your love for me is still present. I believe that good love is honest, period. None of that wishy-washy hemming and hawing. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Period. There also needs to be respect. Good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good love should be strong, palpable. I want to feel it to my marrow. I don't want to guess or read some hidden clues that you love me. Fareal. There should be communication: physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Ultimately, I want you to love me like I love you. To give 100% in all ways, always. It's simply not negotiable.
I know what good love feels like because I am in a relationship that satisfies me to the core of my being. When I speak of my lover, you hear the chimes of our wedding bells. Even in our disconnections, we are still connected in myriad ways that serve to balance out our bond. For those of you who seek good love, I wish that you can experience it without fear. I wish that you can have your heart stimulated by good love that awakens a desire so strong it makes your knees buckle. I wish you kisses by the light of the moon and whispered love talk that makes you blush at the memory. I wish you love so good that you wear it like a badge of honor. I wish you love, love, everlasting love that fills all your empty places and gives you wings. I wish you a love so good, that it's good...Peace.
"Body and Soul" by Anita Baker (and yes, I know she has a song called, "Good Love")
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Self Love is the Best Love
This post is an urgent message to all of you out there. It's about the ways we do ourselves wrong and compromise our personal development through our treatment of ourselves. It's about the myriad ways we make ourselves available to others, but take no time to be nice to ourselves. Think about it---when was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and said, "I love you?" Seriously. When was the last time you wrote yourself a letter and professed your undying love to you? Fareal. Sent yourself some flowers? Bought yourself a gift? Wrote a list of your best characteristics? Huh, when was it? I'm not trying to be facetious; I mean it. We spend so much of our time in busy mode, or crisis mode, or helping everyone mode or whatever mode that we may miss out on the goodness of our ownselves.
If I ask you what was the last nice thing you did for yourself, would you be able to name it? Quickly: tell me what's the last nice thing you did for yourself (10 seconds only...10, 9, 8, 7...). Okay time's up; could you do it? If you came up with something, was it really just for you or did it benefit everyone else around you (e.g: a vacuum cleaner for a gift? Um. That's not really for you)? See, that's it right there. Not too many of us can really say that we took some time to be self-ish (not selfish, because that's something different). Not many of us even knows what true "Me time" means.
Can you fully disconnect from the world and just indulge in the luxury of you? Yeah, you. Because your personal time is a luxury, but we often forget that. We squander our time and put ourselves low on the "to do" list. We say we don't have the time to look after ourselves. You know why? Because we give so much of our time away to everyone else, anyone else, that we forget all about ourselves. Sad, but true. But the truth is that we do have time, but we don't often value ourselves enough to use our time on us. We need to recognize our worth and put ourselves on our personal agendas because we need attention, too.
Think about it: if someone calls us to do something or be somewhere, many of us will drop whatever it is that we are doing and grab our capes and head out the door on a rescue mission (Here I Come to Save the Day). But when we are in need, when our bodies ache, our spirits hurt, our minds burn, we put our own healing and our own needs on the back burner. We say, "Oh, I'll get some rest later" or "Oh, I'll be fine", when really, we are coming apart at the seams. We are stressed to our core, but we ignore the warning signs of our own self-sacrifice. People, we have got to do better!!!!!
Listen, you can't love someone else more than you love yourself. Well, you can, but you SHOULDN'T!!! Yeah, I said it. You should love yourself more than you love anyone else. You know why? Because when you love yourself more, you will be able to treat people better and give the best of yourself to those who deserve it. It's true. When you know who and how you are, when you know your likes and dislikes and when you know your purpose and your worth, you will be your best you! You will be able to give without worry, love without fear and grow without limits. How does it go? "To thine ownself be true" and "Charity begins at home." We haven't been listening y'all, but we need to start because we are our own best thing.
Being a better person starts with you. There is nothing external that can fuel your growth like good old fashioned self-reflection combined with purposeful action. You are beautifully created and you are designed for greatness. In every moment, you have the potential to change a life, including yours. Take time out to know the ins and outs of your being. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you (insert name)" and mean it. If you have some work to do on fixing your stuff (baggage, family history, addictions, anger, etc.), then do it...now. But be loving and gentle and kind to you because there is truly only one you. And at the end of the day, you are all you have. So take good care of your inner and outer selves. Because, you know what? You're worth it.
Peace.
Lizz Wright "Open Your Eyes, You Can Fly"
If I ask you what was the last nice thing you did for yourself, would you be able to name it? Quickly: tell me what's the last nice thing you did for yourself (10 seconds only...10, 9, 8, 7...). Okay time's up; could you do it? If you came up with something, was it really just for you or did it benefit everyone else around you (e.g: a vacuum cleaner for a gift? Um. That's not really for you)? See, that's it right there. Not too many of us can really say that we took some time to be self-ish (not selfish, because that's something different). Not many of us even knows what true "Me time" means.
Can you fully disconnect from the world and just indulge in the luxury of you? Yeah, you. Because your personal time is a luxury, but we often forget that. We squander our time and put ourselves low on the "to do" list. We say we don't have the time to look after ourselves. You know why? Because we give so much of our time away to everyone else, anyone else, that we forget all about ourselves. Sad, but true. But the truth is that we do have time, but we don't often value ourselves enough to use our time on us. We need to recognize our worth and put ourselves on our personal agendas because we need attention, too.
Think about it: if someone calls us to do something or be somewhere, many of us will drop whatever it is that we are doing and grab our capes and head out the door on a rescue mission (Here I Come to Save the Day). But when we are in need, when our bodies ache, our spirits hurt, our minds burn, we put our own healing and our own needs on the back burner. We say, "Oh, I'll get some rest later" or "Oh, I'll be fine", when really, we are coming apart at the seams. We are stressed to our core, but we ignore the warning signs of our own self-sacrifice. People, we have got to do better!!!!!
Listen, you can't love someone else more than you love yourself. Well, you can, but you SHOULDN'T!!! Yeah, I said it. You should love yourself more than you love anyone else. You know why? Because when you love yourself more, you will be able to treat people better and give the best of yourself to those who deserve it. It's true. When you know who and how you are, when you know your likes and dislikes and when you know your purpose and your worth, you will be your best you! You will be able to give without worry, love without fear and grow without limits. How does it go? "To thine ownself be true" and "Charity begins at home." We haven't been listening y'all, but we need to start because we are our own best thing.
Being a better person starts with you. There is nothing external that can fuel your growth like good old fashioned self-reflection combined with purposeful action. You are beautifully created and you are designed for greatness. In every moment, you have the potential to change a life, including yours. Take time out to know the ins and outs of your being. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you (insert name)" and mean it. If you have some work to do on fixing your stuff (baggage, family history, addictions, anger, etc.), then do it...now. But be loving and gentle and kind to you because there is truly only one you. And at the end of the day, you are all you have. So take good care of your inner and outer selves. Because, you know what? You're worth it.
Peace.
Lizz Wright "Open Your Eyes, You Can Fly"
Friday, March 25, 2011
Spring Cleaning: Getting Rid of Donkeys
Some of y'all might remember my post on reciprocity. If not, see it here. Well, I mentioned how you should treat people how they treat you: give a little; get a little. I like the idea of "one hand washes the other." But I want to revisit the idea of reciprocity because I think it has another layer. I've been thinking on this since I wrote my last post. Here's the deal--I try to treat people well. However, I've been noticing that some people want, no, expect good treatment even when they give you their butts to kiss. And they feel comfortable enough to mistreat you in ways that are unmistakable. Say what? (Insert sassy 70's soul posturing). It's the truth. I have had my share of dealing with donkeys and they seem to expect you to overlook their bad behaviors 'cause that's just how they are. #growup.
You know the type: moody, sometime-y (it's a word, move along), dramatic, etc. And they always have something going on. Something that usually doesn't involve you, but somehow gets you caught up in it. Amazingly, they feel that their "stuff" is more significant than yours and just oh, well, you should understand 'cause that's how they are. *blank stare* I should? Well, then tell me the part where I get to do the same to you and you understand?! Ha! Naw, Homey don't play that! I mean, Homey can't play that. Fareal. Listen, the world is a hard enough place without having to drag the carcasses of other folks' dead souls along with you. Seriously. We live our lives on hamster wheels, constantly in search of the thing that will bring us satisfaction. Dealing with negative energy will never sustain you. Ne.ver. Let me be perfectly clear: dealing with toxic people will drain your energy. So, save yourself. Cut them out of your lives completely.
Toxic people are emotional bullies. They use a variety of tactics to bring you down to their level. It's ridiculous. If you have a strong sense of who you are, then no one can break your resolve. I know that I have been through some stuff in my life and I understand that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. And in the time you have on Earth (or wherever you are in the galaxy), you make sure that you surround yourself with folks who love you and will support you. Consistently. Not just when they feel like it or when you do what they want you to. I mean, surround yourself with people who will build you up, but never hold you up in your wrongdoing. People who, in spite of your flaws (or because of them), love you still.
So, today I am doing some Spring cleaning. Let me make my public announcement: (tapping mic and clearing my throat): I will no longer allow the unfortunate ones to take up space in my world. Your inconsistent behavior is draining and I refuse to let you occupy one more inch of my space. I am releasing you from any personal connections to me. It's my final act of reciprocity. *exhale* Listen, life is too short to deal with folks who steal your joy. You determine who is important enough to warrant your time, your energy, your you. Seriously. You don't have to bargain for your place in anyone's world. If folks can't be bothered with or by you--hakuna matata (no worries). Cut them out of your world and keep it steppin'. You'll be a better person for it.
Peace!
Lauryn Hill "Lost Ones"
You know the type: moody, sometime-y (it's a word, move along), dramatic, etc. And they always have something going on. Something that usually doesn't involve you, but somehow gets you caught up in it. Amazingly, they feel that their "stuff" is more significant than yours and just oh, well, you should understand 'cause that's how they are. *blank stare* I should? Well, then tell me the part where I get to do the same to you and you understand?! Ha! Naw, Homey don't play that! I mean, Homey can't play that. Fareal. Listen, the world is a hard enough place without having to drag the carcasses of other folks' dead souls along with you. Seriously. We live our lives on hamster wheels, constantly in search of the thing that will bring us satisfaction. Dealing with negative energy will never sustain you. Ne.ver. Let me be perfectly clear: dealing with toxic people will drain your energy. So, save yourself. Cut them out of your lives completely.
Toxic people are emotional bullies. They use a variety of tactics to bring you down to their level. It's ridiculous. If you have a strong sense of who you are, then no one can break your resolve. I know that I have been through some stuff in my life and I understand that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. And in the time you have on Earth (or wherever you are in the galaxy), you make sure that you surround yourself with folks who love you and will support you. Consistently. Not just when they feel like it or when you do what they want you to. I mean, surround yourself with people who will build you up, but never hold you up in your wrongdoing. People who, in spite of your flaws (or because of them), love you still.
So, today I am doing some Spring cleaning. Let me make my public announcement: (tapping mic and clearing my throat): I will no longer allow the unfortunate ones to take up space in my world. Your inconsistent behavior is draining and I refuse to let you occupy one more inch of my space. I am releasing you from any personal connections to me. It's my final act of reciprocity. *exhale* Listen, life is too short to deal with folks who steal your joy. You determine who is important enough to warrant your time, your energy, your you. Seriously. You don't have to bargain for your place in anyone's world. If folks can't be bothered with or by you--hakuna matata (no worries). Cut them out of your world and keep it steppin'. You'll be a better person for it.
Peace!
Lauryn Hill "Lost Ones"
Monday, March 14, 2011
Channeling Dr. Doolittle or Dealing With Donkeys
Ok, so before you think I have lost my mind, let me tell you who I define as "donkeys."* Donkeys (no offense to the beast of burden) are difficult people who make your life miserable for no reason AT. ALL. In other words, they're jack@sses.
No matter who you are, even the most non-judgmental of us have had to deal with so-called Donkeys. They're everywhere: at home, at school, in the workplace, at church and in the department store parking lot (to name a few areas). Their sole purpose is to permeate the air with negative energy and bad vibes. They are harbingers of doom and signal that some terrible stuff is about to go down whenever they come around. I'm serious: you've seen them, sitting somewhere looking sour, faces all screwed up, just terrible...Now, it's not my mission in life to change people (hey, you can't help folks who don't want to be helped), but I can't take the Donkeys. Fareal. Fareal.
Riddle me this: if you are miserable and unhappy within yourself, why can't you keep that to yourself? Seriously. Because Donkeys are known to be otherwise stingy with their stuff (material things, good energy), why can't they keep their att-i-tudes to themselves? I guess that sounds too much like right. Why be miserable by yourself when you can darken someone else's day? (Insert side eye and raised eyebrow here). I guess it's our own fault though. We are becoming a society that celebrates cat fights, rude behavior and adult tantrums. Why be a civilized society when we can scream, shout, bellow or yell and have that substitute for communication? Geesh, Donkeys are taking over the world.
Now as this post is about dealing with Donkeys, I should probably give you a couple of tips on how to actually deal with them:
1) My top way to deal with Donkeys is DON'T. If you can help it, avoid them at all costs. If not, they will be like the dementors in Harry Potter--they will drain your souls. So if you don't have to share air with them, keep it moving. Trust me. You're better off.
Unfortunately, there are times that you have to deal with Donkeys (see above situations), so here are some ways to handle them:
1) If you have to deal with Donkeys (like at work or for a special project), try to limit the amount of time you actually have to talk to them. When you have to talk to them, be sure that you keep it focused on the task at hand. The minute the Donkey starts to stray off topic, get him/her back on track. You don't want to encourage negative conversation, malicious gossip or plain old grumbling. Don't get sucked into becoming a member of Donkeyville because some Donkeys are charming. Before you know it, you're griping and complaining, too.
2) Tell yourself, "it's them, not me." If you have to deal with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it's them. No matter how compelling the arguments are, negative people always see the worst in things. Their rose colored glasses focus on the thorns. Don't let their visions cloud your perspective. That's just their perspectives, don't let it become yours.
After you deal with Donkeys, you probably should hug a child, follow a rainbow, pat a fluffy dog, rock in a corner (you might be traumatized, ok?)...Whatever you do, be sure to purge their negative energy to remove it from your space. Negative people are toxic. Negative energy is toxic. Run!!! You don't want to get any of that on you. You might not be able to control what people do, but you can control what you allow to reside in your spirit. Negative people are draining; they exhaust the universe with their perpetual output of venom. If you are the person that I speak of, go get some counseling. Fareal. Get that mess fixed. Stop being a super toddler and get your tantrums in check! Seriously. It ain't cute and someone should have told you about that. Stop living your life at half empty; the world is much better enjoyed half full (even when it's shaken and/or stirred).
But for the rest of us who aren't Donkeys, protect yourself when interacting with them. Remember: no matter who you have to deal with, be sure that you live a life of abundance. Recognize that there is joy in every breath and purpose in every action. Peace.
*Name calling isn't nice, but the truth is the truth. Some folks are just plain ole nasty. And calling them Donkeys is nicer than some things they can be called.
Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"
No matter who you are, even the most non-judgmental of us have had to deal with so-called Donkeys. They're everywhere: at home, at school, in the workplace, at church and in the department store parking lot (to name a few areas). Their sole purpose is to permeate the air with negative energy and bad vibes. They are harbingers of doom and signal that some terrible stuff is about to go down whenever they come around. I'm serious: you've seen them, sitting somewhere looking sour, faces all screwed up, just terrible...Now, it's not my mission in life to change people (hey, you can't help folks who don't want to be helped), but I can't take the Donkeys. Fareal. Fareal.
Riddle me this: if you are miserable and unhappy within yourself, why can't you keep that to yourself? Seriously. Because Donkeys are known to be otherwise stingy with their stuff (material things, good energy), why can't they keep their att-i-tudes to themselves? I guess that sounds too much like right. Why be miserable by yourself when you can darken someone else's day? (Insert side eye and raised eyebrow here). I guess it's our own fault though. We are becoming a society that celebrates cat fights, rude behavior and adult tantrums. Why be a civilized society when we can scream, shout, bellow or yell and have that substitute for communication? Geesh, Donkeys are taking over the world.
Now as this post is about dealing with Donkeys, I should probably give you a couple of tips on how to actually deal with them:
1) My top way to deal with Donkeys is DON'T. If you can help it, avoid them at all costs. If not, they will be like the dementors in Harry Potter--they will drain your souls. So if you don't have to share air with them, keep it moving. Trust me. You're better off.
Unfortunately, there are times that you have to deal with Donkeys (see above situations), so here are some ways to handle them:
1) If you have to deal with Donkeys (like at work or for a special project), try to limit the amount of time you actually have to talk to them. When you have to talk to them, be sure that you keep it focused on the task at hand. The minute the Donkey starts to stray off topic, get him/her back on track. You don't want to encourage negative conversation, malicious gossip or plain old grumbling. Don't get sucked into becoming a member of Donkeyville because some Donkeys are charming. Before you know it, you're griping and complaining, too.
2) Tell yourself, "it's them, not me." If you have to deal with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it's them. No matter how compelling the arguments are, negative people always see the worst in things. Their rose colored glasses focus on the thorns. Don't let their visions cloud your perspective. That's just their perspectives, don't let it become yours.
After you deal with Donkeys, you probably should hug a child, follow a rainbow, pat a fluffy dog, rock in a corner (you might be traumatized, ok?)...Whatever you do, be sure to purge their negative energy to remove it from your space. Negative people are toxic. Negative energy is toxic. Run!!! You don't want to get any of that on you. You might not be able to control what people do, but you can control what you allow to reside in your spirit. Negative people are draining; they exhaust the universe with their perpetual output of venom. If you are the person that I speak of, go get some counseling. Fareal. Get that mess fixed. Stop being a super toddler and get your tantrums in check! Seriously. It ain't cute and someone should have told you about that. Stop living your life at half empty; the world is much better enjoyed half full (even when it's shaken and/or stirred).
But for the rest of us who aren't Donkeys, protect yourself when interacting with them. Remember: no matter who you have to deal with, be sure that you live a life of abundance. Recognize that there is joy in every breath and purpose in every action. Peace.
*Name calling isn't nice, but the truth is the truth. Some folks are just plain ole nasty. And calling them Donkeys is nicer than some things they can be called.
Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Self-Check: I Know Who I Am--Do You?
Recently, I have experienced some dealings with folks that have made me do a self-check. But that's right up my alley because I like to check in on my stuff. I like to make sure that I take stock of my characteristics to make sure that I am keeping in line with becoming who I want to be. Unfortunately, because I am very nice, I come in contact with some very broken people that other people don't want to deal with. Now usually I don't mind dealing with the broken folks because I'm a work in progress myself. So, it's all good. But you know what makes me shake my head? When people who are so far from having their stuff together try to put you in check about being on the right path--where dey do dat at? (Slang was necessary, stay with me).
Now, I say that with no malice or meanness because as my grandma says, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." So I understand that broken people can help you and your self-development. But what always boggles my mind is how do folks get mad at you for having your stuff together? I mean, really. How can folks get mad at you for minding your own business and doing what works for you? I have never been too arrogant to believe that my way is the only way in the world. But you know what? It works for me!! Yup, it.works.for.me. So, instead of criticizing someone else (or me) for being on his/her grind, make sure that you have your stuff together. People spend far too much energy "hating" on what someone else has. Everything ain't for you! Yeah, I said it. Everyone will not be financially successful, physically fit, emotionally stable, etc. It's the way of the world. As long as there are haves, there will be have-nots. And I'm not talking about the world in terms of illness, poverty, abuse, etc. Because those who have should work hard to help those who need help. What I'm talking about is some good and grown folks who don't handle their business and find ways to put down the efforts of those who are doing the right thing.
One of the sad testimonies about the way our world is going is that if you do the right thing, you are considered to be self-righteous. If I'm not judging you and your immoral ways, leave me alone. Fuh real! People who do drugs, sell drugs, lie, cheat, steal, etc. are often trying to put down those of us who are trying to live our lives on the right side of the law ("you bourgie", "you think you betta than me", "you ain't keepin' it real"). Because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I spend my time thinking about you and your mess. So leave me alone. And that's not said with a tinge of self-righteousness. I do what I do, so do what you do. If you are happy doing your thing, then do just that. However, don't be mad if I can't support your mess because I care about my own consistency. I like for my character and my reputation to be in sync. I like for people to know that I am the same person inside that I present to the world. I love that I have standards and I understand that "keeping it real" is very rarely that.
I have found that most people who say, "I don't care what people think about me" are the first people who get upset when someone says something about them. I have found that people who say, "let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone", just got caught up in some mess. Let me be the first person to admit that I care what people think about me, but I don't live my life based on people's judgment. However, I know that I care about my reputation--I am not going to be acting like a drunken fool in public, posting nekkid pictures on FB, or acting like a general donkey just to make you feel comfortable. Your version of me may have me "keeping it real", but what does that mean, really? I know who I am--do you?
As you mature, it would seem that you would get wiser. Unfortunately, people confuse getting older with being grown. True adulthood is not based on your age. There are some gray haired fools in the world. Seriously. The definition of crazy is doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results. If you want to live like that, just own it. Say, I know I'm crazy and my life will always be a mess and that's okay. I can get with that. What is ridiculous is you living a life of chaos and confusion and then getting mad when someone can't or won't co-sign your mess. You're grown--remember? As an adult, I look to people who are living lives that I wish to emulate and I learn from their lessons in order to forge my own path. I know who I am--do you?
One should not live under the scope of duplicity and falsehood. You should be secure in who and how you are. Love yourself--flaws and all. Don't be discouraged by folks who really are skewed in their version of who you should be. Surround yourself with good people who are positive and speak to the best in you. Also, keep some folks around who will check you if your stuff gets tart (the best kind of keeping it real). Cultivate a life for yourself where you are in control of who and how you are. Make sure you do self-checks often and don't be afraid of the gunk you find. You can't do better until you take a full and honest assessment of your true self. At the end of the day, you have to accept yourself. I love me and I know who I am--do you? I wish you peace and enlightenment on this ever continuing journey of selfhood. Forward motion is good because it means you are working towards something. Good luck!!
Nina Simone "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
Now, I say that with no malice or meanness because as my grandma says, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." So I understand that broken people can help you and your self-development. But what always boggles my mind is how do folks get mad at you for having your stuff together? I mean, really. How can folks get mad at you for minding your own business and doing what works for you? I have never been too arrogant to believe that my way is the only way in the world. But you know what? It works for me!! Yup, it.works.for.me. So, instead of criticizing someone else (or me) for being on his/her grind, make sure that you have your stuff together. People spend far too much energy "hating" on what someone else has. Everything ain't for you! Yeah, I said it. Everyone will not be financially successful, physically fit, emotionally stable, etc. It's the way of the world. As long as there are haves, there will be have-nots. And I'm not talking about the world in terms of illness, poverty, abuse, etc. Because those who have should work hard to help those who need help. What I'm talking about is some good and grown folks who don't handle their business and find ways to put down the efforts of those who are doing the right thing.
One of the sad testimonies about the way our world is going is that if you do the right thing, you are considered to be self-righteous. If I'm not judging you and your immoral ways, leave me alone. Fuh real! People who do drugs, sell drugs, lie, cheat, steal, etc. are often trying to put down those of us who are trying to live our lives on the right side of the law ("you bourgie", "you think you betta than me", "you ain't keepin' it real"). Because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I spend my time thinking about you and your mess. So leave me alone. And that's not said with a tinge of self-righteousness. I do what I do, so do what you do. If you are happy doing your thing, then do just that. However, don't be mad if I can't support your mess because I care about my own consistency. I like for my character and my reputation to be in sync. I like for people to know that I am the same person inside that I present to the world. I love that I have standards and I understand that "keeping it real" is very rarely that.
I have found that most people who say, "I don't care what people think about me" are the first people who get upset when someone says something about them. I have found that people who say, "let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone", just got caught up in some mess. Let me be the first person to admit that I care what people think about me, but I don't live my life based on people's judgment. However, I know that I care about my reputation--I am not going to be acting like a drunken fool in public, posting nekkid pictures on FB, or acting like a general donkey just to make you feel comfortable. Your version of me may have me "keeping it real", but what does that mean, really? I know who I am--do you?
As you mature, it would seem that you would get wiser. Unfortunately, people confuse getting older with being grown. True adulthood is not based on your age. There are some gray haired fools in the world. Seriously. The definition of crazy is doing something over and over the same way and expecting different results. If you want to live like that, just own it. Say, I know I'm crazy and my life will always be a mess and that's okay. I can get with that. What is ridiculous is you living a life of chaos and confusion and then getting mad when someone can't or won't co-sign your mess. You're grown--remember? As an adult, I look to people who are living lives that I wish to emulate and I learn from their lessons in order to forge my own path. I know who I am--do you?
One should not live under the scope of duplicity and falsehood. You should be secure in who and how you are. Love yourself--flaws and all. Don't be discouraged by folks who really are skewed in their version of who you should be. Surround yourself with good people who are positive and speak to the best in you. Also, keep some folks around who will check you if your stuff gets tart (the best kind of keeping it real). Cultivate a life for yourself where you are in control of who and how you are. Make sure you do self-checks often and don't be afraid of the gunk you find. You can't do better until you take a full and honest assessment of your true self. At the end of the day, you have to accept yourself. I love me and I know who I am--do you? I wish you peace and enlightenment on this ever continuing journey of selfhood. Forward motion is good because it means you are working towards something. Good luck!!
Nina Simone "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
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